Another day, another year

Today completes another year in our life. Probably the most difficult and painful as well as beautiful and precious. You see a year ago today our sweet Evan's spirit was born into the arms of our Jesus and his little body into ours.

A year ago today our God was good because he healed my son. It most certainly took me a while to be thankful for that healing but today I can honestly say my heart thanks God for delivering my baby from earthly suffering even if it meant breaking my heart.

A year ago today I met the most beautiful baby, held him and memorized his face. What a special time we spent together as a family. I would give a lot to be able to spend just a few more minutes with my precious son.

What a year it has been and today I cried nearly as much as I did that day but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am honored to be my Evan's mama. I will always love him and no one will ever take his place in my heart.

 Happy 1st Birthday my dear Son, we love you more than words can express!

Evan's birth story

Ever since I discovered the blogosphere I've read several birth stories and always wondered how mine would be. For a while and because I don't have a living child to account for it I never even gave writing Evan's birth story a second thought, till now.

It doesn't matter that he's not here with us he will always be the first child I gave birth to and I will always want to remember what a special moment it was and how God was present even in the midst of the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. So here it goes.

Contractions started on Wednesday May 23rd at around 8:30 pm. As I've said before I wish I remembered exactly when was the last time I felt him move but I don't. I know it was sometime between Monday at 3 pm (that was the last time we saw him on an ultrasound, he seemed so peaceful and happy just moving around mamma's belly) and Wednesday morning. Anyway, contractions started and as a first time mom I wasn't sure whether I was in labor or not. I kept praying that wasn't it. I googled and googled but I still wasn't sure. I was up all night. I walked, I sat, I folded baby clothes, I prayed. 

On Thursday at around 7 in the morning Bruce woke up and told me to call the nurse. I called, told her what was going on and she told us to drive to the hospital, I was not quite there but close. We got to the hospital and they kept asking if I was feeling Evan move, I thought I was so I kept saying yes, now I know that what I was feeling were only contractions, the mind is a powerful thing. They connected me to the monitor, contractions where regular and strong, very different from any pain I've experienced before. Then the monitor to listen to his heart, the nurse searched and searched but we kept hearing it, that piercing silence, the loudest most deafening silence I've ever heard. The nurse announced it "I'm sorry, but I think your baby passed away". What? This couldn't be happening. We held each other and cried. What are we supposed to do now? We had called my friend/adoptive mom/birth coach Sharon and she was on stand by, after the final verdict the nurse offered to call her. She was on her way. Meanwhile we called my parents, they were on their way form Mexico City. 

Sharon got to the hospital I will never be able to thank her for everything she was for us that day. She hugged me, cried with me and then was all the strong and sound of mind we couldn't be. You see she is a nurse so she has medical training but more than that she has delivered 7 kids, so if anyone has the experience I needed to go through this was her. They offer pain meds and with confidence she looked at me and said "I think we can do it without them, I'll be there, we'll do it together!". I didn't know what it was to deliver a baby but she sort of transferred her confidence to me.

They did an ultrasound to verify that our Evan was no longer with us, we saw his still body on the screen. We cried some more. The next step was to move us to a delivery room, to check my progress and see where we were in the labor process. When we were settled in our room they checked me, I was 3 cm. Contractions kept on going. They gave me a pill to dilate the cervix, it was going to take about 3 hours to get to 10 cm. I was exhausted but the contractions wouldn't let me sleep.

My friends Leslie and Melanie where there. William showed up. It was awesome to have so many familiar faces with us and know that we were not alone. I heard that throughout the day many friends were at the hospital some came in, some stayed out and prayed, some called, texted or e-mailed. I am grateful for every single one of them.

I took a shower and the contractions continued. Bruce has on one side of the bed and Sharon was on the other. Every contraction they would both hold my hand. My Bruce was the loving, sympathetic, tender support I needed. I would look at him and be comforted in his love and in the peace of having him right there going through it all with me, if not through the physical pain the devastation of having lost our beloved son. Sharon on the other hand was my strong, practical, always loving but firm coach. No matter what was going on around us or who was talking with one look I would let her know a contraction was coming she would focus her eyes on mine and breathe with me. Very calmly but firmly she would ask me to keep my eyes opened, look at her, relax and breathe. Breathing helped a lot, relaxing was hard I was trying to go against every fiber of my body that would want to tense up but when I was able to it helped a lot too.

About half an hour into it they came to check, I had progressed to 5 cm. At some point after that I got nauseated and threw up. They gave me some medicine for that and we kept going. Contractions became more regular and stronger. Melanie was monitoring and she said they were coming every 2 mins exactly. It felt like a lot less. I was so tired I started sleeping between contractions. A contractions would come, I would focus on Sharon, get through it and fall deep asleep, the next contraction would wake me up and it would start all over again. What I remember being the hardest is when in the middle of a contraction what was  going on became very clear. I would think "My baby is death, I'm giving birth to the still body of my baby boy, I can't do this, this is too hard!". Talk about pain! I remember even saying it out loud but Bruce and Sharon pulled me through, "You can do it, you are strong, I know it hurts but you need to do it!". 

They checked me again and I was at 7 or 8 cm. Sharon said I would soon enter into transition ans shortly after it would be over. Not too long after they checked me that last time I started having the urge to push but I wasn't supposed to. Sharon sent for the doctor, she said I was in transition. Every cell of my body was telling me to push and yet I had to fight against it. If you ask me I think that is the hardest part of delivering, thankfully it didn't last long. Finally the doctor arrived he checked again, I remember yelling "I'm going to push!" and I heard the best words I could have heard anyone say at the moment, "Ok, push!". Oh the relieve! After that it was like my body knew what to do and by listening to it I did to. When a pushing contraction was coming I would count "1,2,3" and I would push. It took about three pushes and Evan was out. It was pain like any other, it burnt and then it was all over. 

They took Evan to clean him and wrap him. Shortly after they handed him to me, he was the most beautiful baby boy I've laid eyes on. The doctors and nurses stood back in perfect silence and utter respect of the moment we were living. His body was far from perfect but he is oh so precious to his mom and dad. We spent two unforgettable hours with our Evan. We had pizza dinner with friends in the room. I was feeling surprisingly well. They moved us to another room and I was finally able to rest some while Bruce and Sharon went to the airport to pick up my parents. When they came back we asked the nurse to bring Evan back to the room. Abuelos got to hold him and meet him. William held him too. It was a beautiful family time that God gifted us with and that I am very thankful for. 

Letter to my little man

My dear sweet Evan,

Today is a difficult day for mommy. "June 15th!" I repeated again and again every time someone asked me when our due date was. I delivered you 3 weeks ago and it's still hard to believe everything happened so fast.

May 24th was probably the hardest day of my life. When we "heard" that piercing silence, when we saw your still little body on that screen, when it was finally confirmed that you were no longer with us. Our hearts literally hurt, dad and I held tight and cried. Not because of you, we instanly knew you are better now. That now you have everything we could have never offered you. But knowing that we would never see you alive on this earth was the most painful thought of all.

I think about you every day. I have strech marks that won't let me forget you were here, with me. Those 8 months altough the hardest they were the most beautiful too beacause we got to love, protect and care for you as we never had for anyone. Fighting for your life has been one of our greatest honors. We were privileged to see you grow in mommy's belly. It made us so happy to see you so full of live every ultrasound. We smiled every time we saw your legs kick or your hands cover you face. It was a relief to see that you looked happy. I hope you could feel our love every moment of your very short life.

You are a special little man, you know your name means "Young fighter gift from the Lord" and we agree that every word of that meaning fits you like a glove. You are a champ, you always seemed so peaceful and happy even when we knew your earthly body wasn't perfect. Even when we held you after that peace on your face made dad and me feel much better knowing that you were in peace and that you were not hurting.

It's been a very tough season in our life and it is not over yet. We think of you and it hurts to think about what we are missing. We miss you so much. I miss you kicking around in my belly. I miss the ultrasound. I miss knowing that you were there. I miss rubing my belly to show you love. I miss trying to picture your cute little face and wonderign who you would look like. You looked so much like me, your nose and your hair were just like mine. But let me tell you, you had a lot of your daddy too. Your feet looked just like his, long and skiny. At first I thought your mouth looked like mine but a couple of times now when I see dad's mouth I immediately think of yours! You were the most perfect blend of us two and the perfect picture of how our love looks like.

I love you so much baby. We will never ever forget you and you will forever be a part of our family. We will be sure to tell your brothers and sisters about you. Please know that your life though short has a big purpose that I am sure we will continue to discover. Be asured on our love that though imperfect it's the best we can give. Please say hi to everyone up there. We look forward to seeing you and holding you someday.

With all my love,

Mommy.

I think I might....

...be getting there...

...It has been a rough first part of the year. Loosing two babies led to grief, tears and despair. It sounds like a long time ago but I am just now starting to feel normal again. Everything happened so fast, I don't think I had time to recover from the first loss when I was pregnant again and a week later had lost another baby. It hit me hard. Lots of questions, lots of righteous questions (why ME?/ I've been sooo good/why do I have to loose babies when there's other 'non-deserving' people pregnant out there/why everybody seems to be pregnant right now when I'm hurting so much)I think I wanted the world to stop and I didn't want anybody else to be pregnant! (Don't judge me I know all these thoughts were/are wrong, don't think God hasn't spoken to me about it, and I'm working on changing it).

I've feared. I've closed up. I've mourned. Less and less everyday and more silently. Sometimes I think "I would have a huge tummy right now", "We would be preparing for the arrival of baby Coy #1", "How would it be?". It hurts to think all this and I try not to entertain those thoughts too long.

I went from being afraid of getting pregnant and loosing a baby again to being afraid of staying pregnant and what comes next. In part selfishly (I don't want to give up my comfortable life for someone that will be completely dependent upon me) and in part because I wasn't still am not sure I am capable of raising a life of my own. How could I if I feel so broken? I think I hit rock bottom when I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted kids anymore, wait, but that's been a life-long dream of mine, how did this happen? I wasn't going to let anything or anyone steal this from me!

God has been faithful (shocking, NOT!). I've been praying and giving it all to him. All my feelings, my fears, my wounds, my desires, everything. I've been being honest with myself. I've been asking God to put His dreams back in my heart. And today I am happy to say that I, for the very first time in the last couple of months, feel a bit of a desire to get pregnant again. I wan to try again! I will not let the trials I've gone through stop me. I have the King of Kings on my side. He defeated death on the cross so who am I to let death stop me from accomplishing the dreams He put in my heart. I WILL hold my children on this earth and I WILL meet my babies in HEAVEN. They are alive and well, dancing before the throne of God, taking walks with Jesus and sitting on his lap (I could not offer anything better than that!), so:

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15:55

I will not let you paralyze me anymore or scare me. God will fulfill His plans for me and I am not going to stop Him by listening to the bs the master liar wants me to believe.

Maybe we'll get good news soon!

If you've lost a baby...

...you most definitely want to read this book! Specially the chapter titled "I have two sisters". I don't want to ruin it for anybody so I won't say more than I need to. The book is about a kid that went to Heaven during a surgery that saved his life. In Heaven he not only met Jesus and his cousin John, but he also met a girl that wouldn't stop kissing and hugging him. This little girl was the baby his mom miscarried before he was born. A girl he didn't know about and who he wouldn't have recognized if it weren't because she looked like their older sister and because she told him she had died in their mom's tummy. Reading how Colton describes his meeting with his sister in Heaven brought tears to my eyes and a whole new meaning to the concept I had of people going to Heaven.

I've lost two babies in the past 6 months and recently A (SIL) lost hers, and although I know in my head that all three of them are in heaven it has never been as real to me as it is now after reading this book. Now I have new hope, something new to look forward to. Now I know that they are in heaven together, that most likely they play together and they know each other! I look forward to meeting them in heaven and knowing if they are boys or girls. To see how beautiful they are, to hug them and play with them.

I know I still have a lot to live for, don't get me wrong, I don't want to die yet. And although I am at a weird place right now regarding getting pregnant and having children I do want to live to see the fruit(s) of our love.

So if you've lost a baby or anybody you love I would widely recommend that you read this book. I don't remember the last time I read a book in 2 days, it is THAT good! I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me.

A song that became my prayer

This song touches me so deeply, first because I know my heart hasn't reflected praise at all times during or after my losses (specially the first one) and second because I truly want praise to be my first response no matter what the circumstance in my life is.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

May this be a prayer that flows from your heart no matter the circumstances you are going through. 

REMEMBER WHAT JESUS SAID: "In the world you'll have trouble. But cheer up! I have overcome the world." Thank you Jesus!