I've been pondering...

The other day I saw something on a friend's Facebook page that made me think a lot. She has gone through quite a bit of loss and she posted that she was having one of those days in which you just miss what you've lost. I can totally relate! She also said that when we mourn we tend to paint a picture in our heads about what would have been. Of course, that picture is always better than our reality or at the very least it is a good picture. However there is no way to know that if such and such hadn't/had happened then our life would be better (or as good as we picture it in our dreams).

This is how this reflection applies to me: When I think of Evan I think what he would be like now. I wonder how he would be with his brothers. I imagine our big family of 5 enjoying life all together. I get tired just thinking how crazy it would be to have two toddlers and a baby. I think that I would be able to say that I have 3 under 3. You get the picture. HOWEVER... and this is where my friend's reflection made me think differently... what if life were completely different to what I imagine.

What if Evan had been healthy or healed on this Earth? Maybe our view on having babies wouldn't have changed. Maybe we would have waited longer to have another baby. Maybe Jason wouldn't be here, maybe even Ethan wouldn't be here! 

What if Evan would have lived with the health challenges that we knew he had? We would have spent hours upon hours in the hospital with him. He would have had surgery(ies). We would have been too worried, concerned and busy to even think about getting pregnant again. Maybe that experience would have made us too afraid to even have more kids. We would be missing out on our Ethan and Jason!!! 

My heart breaks when I think of that. Granted we wouldn't know what we would be missing but now that we know the thought of it is almost unbearable! Nothing says that if Evan had lived our life would be exactly as it is + him. Maybe our story would be completely different. 

Now, this doesn't make me miss my baby any less but it does make me want to enjoy my boys a lot more. It makes me want to cherish the good times and work through the hard ones. It makes me want to live life here and now. It makes me want to create memories every chance I get. It makes me proud, happy, and thankful that I have my Evan in Heaven and my Ethan and Jason in my arms.

I won't say that I wouldn't change a thing because, if I had a choice, I would choose to have all 3 right here with me. That is just the honest truth, but knowing what I know now I can accept and intentionally enjoy the life I do have!

I miss him!

So, it's been a while! It's been a busy couple of... months. Two boys, holidays, kitchen remodel, parents and in-laws visiting. It's made for a crazy but very enjoyable time! Also, I was going through sort of a writers' block spell. I didn't have anything to write about till now.

I've been feeling kind of strange lately. There are lots of feelings going on in my heart and my head. I've been missing Evan a LOT which makes me feel a little guilty because, well, I have two AMAZING, healthy, growing kids. So here is the thing having Evan makes me appreciate Ethan and Jason more but having them makes me miss him even more. I miss what I never had. I miss seeing him grow. I miss him playing with his brothers. I miss his little steps around the house. How is it possible to miss something/things you never had? The more I see my boys grow and develop, do new things and reach new milestones the more I miss seeing Evan doing the same things, reaching the same milestones.

The holiday season doesn't make it any easier. It's like there's a a piece of our family missing. It's like we are not complete. I try to balance how much I miss my boy in Heaven and how much I want and do enjoy my boys!

Anyway, I don't have much more to write I just... miss my Evan! 

I love you sweet boy and I miss you a lot. You will always have your special place in my heart and in our family!

And his name shall be

Naming a human is no easy task! 

A few years ago on a road trip we took to Oklahoma, right around the time we had started talking and dreaming about having babies, we came up with 4 names for the babies we were dreaming of having. Two boy names and 2 girl names. Evan Matthew and Ethan Andrew being the boys' names. 

When I was pregnant with them, the minute we knew they were boys we also knew what their names would be. It was who they were even before they were conceived. It is also amazing to me that both the boys have lived to the meaning of their names:

Evan Matthew is our "young fighter" and Ethan Andrew is definitely "manly, strong and enduring"!

We were ready to name a girl after that but to our delight we got another boy! 

Coming up with another boy name wasn't easy. We just couldn't seem to agree on one. We both like names with good meanings and I prefer names that are less likely to be shortened. After going through many names we finally agreed on one we both liked but for some reason it just didn't seem right and we didn't have a middle name. Even when we had decided on a name and told our families we didn't want to make it public because "what if we change our mind?". 

Anyway it was only about two weeks ago that we made it official so here it is...

Jason Allan Coy

Jason means "that who heals" and Allan means "Fair and handsome". So of course I know he is handsome (not that I am biased or anything) but maybe he'll be a doctor too!

Also, just now as I type this I was thinking (with no intention to stretch the meaning) that this pregnancy has been by far the easiest and least stressful of all. By no means am I completely "healed" from my previous experiences but I do feel that having Jason's pregnancy go so well has given me back a little piece of something that I had lost along the way. Perhaps the hope that a pregnancy can actually go as intended, with no complications and more peace than worry. 

Maybe, in that way, Jason is already living up to his name. Doesn't sound too crazy or does it?

Different kinds of love

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. It may be weird but I thought I would share anyway since it has been VERY real to me especially the past few months. You may be able to relate.

There are different kinds of love, well that's obvious you may think. Of course I don't love my husband the same way I love my kids or my parents. Yeah that's very clear and easy to recognize. But what about the love for our kids. I've discovered that I love each of my boys in a different way. Granted, all 3 of them are in different places right now and I am inclined to think that's were the difference lies.

Evan died and it was horrible, extremely painful and devastating. I loved seeing him in my belly on the ultrasounds. I enjoyed feeling him and dreaming if how he would be, what he would look like. I miss him terribly and what I miss the most is that I never got to really know him. He never took a breathe outside my womb, we never heard his voice. We never got to see his personality develop. We didn't get to really know him and I think that's what makes our love for him different.

Ethan is here with us, he has been for almost 15 months now, when did that happen? Since he was born we've spent countless hours getting to know him. Celebrating his milestones, nursing him when he's sick, disciplining him, working to mold him, getting frustrated at him, and then forgiving him. He has filled our house and life with a joy and chaos that we never knew before. We've had to learn to put his needs before ours. We've been intentional about spending time with him, teaching him, enjoying him. Our life changed in a very different way than it did when Evan was born. A way we didn't expect and we hadn't experienced before.

We loved Ethan when he was in my tummy but all the time we've invested in him and the time we've had to get to know him has changed that love. We don't love him the same way we love Evan. In a way the love seems deeper and greater but it's only because we know him in a way we never knew our Evan.

Same thing with baby. We love him very much but we don't know him yet. We haven't spent nearly as much time caring for him as we've had his brothers. I'm sure our love for him will change the moment they place him in our arms and will change even more as we spend time with him.

I guess this is why parents wonder, will I be able to love my second child as much as I love my first? It's not because you don't love them already it's because you don't know them and it's hard to imagine loving someone else as much.

It doesn't matter though if it's different kinds of love, I LOVE my boys and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world!

On pain and Rainbow Babies

Something has been weighing in my mind since we got pregnant with Ethan and today I re-read this quote and thought it might be a good time to share: 

We call rainbow babies to those born after a loss.
They are beauty after the storm.

We did not know about the concept of Rainbow Babies before we lost our Evan. We didn't really know about Rainbow Babies until we had our Ethan.

Having a Rainbow Baby is an interesting thing.

Losing a child changes you in many many ways. It changes the way you see the world, faith, and even yourself. Things that used to be important are not anymore and things that you never thought about now are the center of your thoughts. 

When you get the opportunity to be a parent to another baby, one that stays with you on this side of Heaven, you cherish more, you hold tighter, you love deeper. But here is the thing, having a Rainbow Baby doesn't "make up" for your loss. There is no replacing the precious life that is no longer with you. It doesn't make it all OK. It doesn't make you forget. It doesn't take the pain away. Experience has taught me that at times it even makes your heart hurt a little bit more because you find yourself thinking "If he were here, he would be...". It makes you miss what you'll never have. It makes you wonder how it would be.

You really never forget and you shouldn't. Evan is as much a part of our family as any other of our children. We love to talk about him. We love it when people ask or talk about him. We want our kids on earth to know they have a brother in Heaven. We know he was real and we like it to be acknowledged as such. He is and forever will be a very important part of our family. The way we love him and the way we love our babes on Earth may be different but we love him nonetheless. That is a topic for another post.

So that's where my heart is. As the picture says the rainbow doesn't mean the storm never happened (even a double rainbow) it means we get the privilege of enjoying something beautiful even in the midst of the pain. For that I am thankful.

When people ask

Ever since I was pregnant with Ethan it's been a common occurrence and I'm sorry to say that I haven't figured it out yet. Most interactions begin with "How far along?", that's an easy one. Then it is inevitably followed by "Is this your first?", that's when it gets complicated.

Let me be clear not complicated for me, I know Ethan is not my first. The answer is VERY clear in my heart and in my head. "No, this is my second. My first one is in Heaven, he's not in my arms or running around but he is still my first born." Well if you know the whole story Evan is really the third, so Ethan is the 4th and so on, see how it gets complicated? 

The thing is though, most people are not ready for a truthful answer. They are not asking because they really want to know. They just want to make conversation, like they're talking about the weather. So, here is what I haven't figured out. Sometimes, just to spare them of an awkward moment, I'll just answer "Yes, he is", and immediately after that I feel guilty. I feel I'm betraying my Evan. Does he not count? Why should I care more about this stranger than I care about honoring the place my baby boy has in my heart and our family? 

Sometimes I say "No, we have one in Heaven and he is our second", depending on the person the reactions will vary. Mostly it gets awkward and they try to change the subject. Rarely they compassionately just say "I'm so sorry!". I can count with one hands the times when their response has been of genuine interest and compassion "What happened?... I'm so sorry...", those are my favorite because it gives me the chance to share my boy with the world. When I do this I sometimes feel bad for making them feel bad or sad or awkward but at the end of the day I think, well they asked, right?

Here is what I've learned. When you ask a question you need to be ready for the answer no matter what it may be. If you don't think you are ready for the answer then don't ask! That's the cold truth. There is another side of things which I have also learned. If I hadn't gone through what I have gone through there is no way I would have the awareness I do about loss, so I can't expect everybody to have the same awareness if they haven't experienced what I have. 

So, I am just as ignorant about other people's experiences (pain, sickness, chronic sickness, different types of loss, etc) as others are about the loss I've lived through. All I can do is be kind and understanding when asked and when asking. When giving an answer and when receiving an answer I was not prepared to get. Bottom line:

Source

It is a simple truth yet a very important one to live by. 

Ethan is 1 little monkey

We had Ethan's 1st birthday party on June 29th. At first we thought about having it at the park but it was going to be way too hot plus all my decoration plans wouldn't have been possible there.

We went into overdrive to get the house ready for the party and I am glad we did! Every little detail I wanted came to fruition and I couldn't be happier with the memories we created for our 1st birthday party ever. I had been dreaming about a 1st Birthday Party ever since I got pregnant with our first back in 2010. Wow!!! It was a long time coming, things don't always happen like you imagine but this party did! 

OK, so on with the program. Let me give you a tour of the party and tell you a a little bit about it.

Right as guests walked in they saw a "one a day" presentation playing on our TV,
I tried to take a picture a day for his first year, I had to cheat on some days but
for the most part they were chronologically accurate.

On one corner of the living room we had the "present table" which
was our ottoman, it turned out great because we sat there to open his presents.

As you walked into the dining room to the right we had a cotton candy and
snow cone station.

Then we had the food station. We served banana chips (ruffles),
monkey tails (hot dogs), and alligator jaws (watermelon). 

Walking into the den we set up Ethan's high chair.

 

To the right of the high chair we had the "cake" table. Tons of monkeys
that spelled ONE and his special one with his candle.

   

Along the den we set up the table for everyone. Daddy had the last
minute idea to use banana clusters as centerpieces and I added
some pictures but I took the picture before I did that.
I loved how it turned out!

We decorated the mantel with his hospital onesie, some pictures, and his first
piece of art (which mostly we made cuz he didn't want anything to do with
the paint). He did stamp his footprint so there. Also we hung his "monthly"
footprints (I had to cheat a bit too, life happens way too fast!).

In the den we have a "window" that opens to the kitchen, we closed the
shutters and I set up his tiny bits picture, a frame with lots of pictures for
everyone to flip through, and our Evan's bear attending baby brother's party.

 

Outside we had the piñata, that was all Bruce. He made a palm tree
and hung coconuts filled with candy, when the kids hit the trunk the coconuts
fell and some busted open. Everybody loved it, it was very original and it worked
like a charm!

We also had a cake for Ethan so he would smash it with his guests, we
didn't make a mess like the first time but he enjoyed it!

   

Our family picture. I wish it had turned out better but in the
heat of the moment that's all we had time for. 

   

"Happy Birthday" time, not too loud so birthday boy wouldn't
get startled because he was having a hard time with all the people
invading his house. Once he got over it he enjoyed the party!

Well, that's it for today. We had a great time and we were very pleased with how everything turned out. We had lots of friends and friends that are family join us to celebrate this very awaited day!

Only Abuela was able to make it in town for the party, she enjoyed it a lot and we were happy to have her. We wish we could have had more of our family here but that's how distance works. 

Happy Birthday sweet boy, I hope you'll like what you see when you look at this pictures!

My baby is ONE today

When did that happen? I know everybody says this, it must be because it's true. It doesn't really feel like a whole year has gone by but my itty bitty baby is turning into a big boy way too fast and right in front of my eyes!

I had been thinking about a theme for his 1st birthday party since he was like 6 months and this is what I came up with:

"5 little monkeys" is the first song I learned in English way back
in kindergarten and to date it brings back fond memories of those years. 

I chose monkeys as Ethan's theme and when my mom was in town before he was born we found this cute beanie baby monkey, so it all fit together. I came up with the play on words (and number) and with daddy's help the party started to come to life!

We have a lot of fun plans for the party. I will post pictures soon! 

Today we celebrated by waking up the birthday boy with balloons and presents.

After the presents we had his cake smashing session. I wasn't sure how that was going to go because he is not a fan of textures but once he got a little bit in his mouth it was over, the cake didn't stand a chance. I took approximately 589 pictures and I was able to narrow it to about 200, it's impossible to pick the best ones they are all super cute! 

The hat was a nice thought but he wouldn't keep it on!

What is this???

I think I like it!

Yeah, I like it so much I'll dive in it!

Now I'm having fun!

Staple monkey face, not sure were he learned to do it
but I sure don't want him to grow out of it!

Then we went out for breakfast and off to Explora (a kid's museum in town). Ethan and Daddy had a blast learning and discovering together. My heart is full just from seeing those two enjoy things together and each other!

Fascinated with the shooting water

Water is his favorite thing to play with

Bubbles!!!

This is how he shows love, I love you too my boy!

Abuela had a good time too.

To end the day we took his official 12 month picture with Daddy's 49ers hat, almost a monthly tradition.

Won't keep it on long enough for a picture but this works!

We had a really fun time celebrating his 1st year of life and we pray we get to celebrate many more!

My dear sweet boy,

It's been an honor and a privilege to see you grow during this past 12 months. For the most part it's been easy, not because I am a super mom but because you are a super baby. We lucked out with you, every transition and every milestone have been dictated by your readiness. There hasn't been any major drama or difficulty. Of course you've had hard days and I have too but nothing compared to the horrors some people warned us about. You've spoiled us!

I love to watch you play and see all the silly things you come up with. Sometimes I feel my heart is going to burst out of my chest with love. I don't understand how I can love a tiny person so so much. You have changed our life and I am thankful that you are growing strong and healthy.

Keep on growing my love, soon you'll be joined by your brother on Earth and we all will have a blast!

Love, 

Mommy

*Party post coming soon!

Big boy's mama

Ethan will be 11 months on Tuesday, I know right? How is that possible if he was born just yesterday???!!! 

Since I am pregnant and due in September we had to start the weaning process earlier than we had originally planned. My doctor talked to me about the risk of contractions while breastfeeding. Since I don't have a history of preterm labor and I haven't had contractions she said I could continue to breastfeed as long as that continued to be the case. We discussed that further along in the pregnancy contractions are more likely to happen. I wanted to be prepared and not have to wean him cold turkey if anything happened.

We started about a month ago taking all the breastfeeding sessions during the day. It was a breeze, it was a little bittersweet that he didn't even seem to notice. I guess he was ready for it. The first couple of days he would  "attack" me when I was close but other than that he was fine.

The plan was for Bruce to start doing the night feeding at 11 months and then the morning one at 12 months. However today went differently. Ethan woke up at 7:30 am, Bruce got him and brought him into our room. I thought he would for sure go for his milk right away but he was content playing. We decided to give him his sippy cup and see how he did. He drank about half and was fine after that. Again, he didn't seem to notice!

Tonight, Bruce suggested we just kept on with the theme and he fed him his night milk. When I started writing this post I was sitting on the couch hiding. Bruce came out and Ethan made a little noise but right now he seems to be asleep so, so far so good. My baby is growing into a big boy. Now I wonder if I can grow into a big boy's mama and be OK with that little bit of his babyhood been gone. It has, after all, been something we've shared for 11 months! 

Grow on my sweet boy, your mama will be OK!

God's surprise

Who doesn't like a good surprise!? I know there are people that don't but I've always loved surprises. I like when someone loves me enough to take the time and effort to put together a surprise. I've received many surprises in life, some more pleasant than others and some bigger than others. 

The one I am going to tell you about is the biggest surprise I could ever receive and also the best! It was/is being orchestrated by God, who could ever love me more than my God? Anyway, without further ado...

Can you see it?

Just in case you have the same facial expression as Ethan does let me clarify:

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

Our 5th baby is in the oven. If you've read pretty much any of my previous posts you know that pregnancy is not the happiest place on earth for me. As happy and excited as I am there is always the lingering question: will I get to hold and bring home this baby? Having had a positive outcome with my last pregnancy I am not as nervous this time around but there are a million "what ifs" crossing my mind at any given time. 

It is a time of choosing to trust God every day no matter what comes and deciding to love this baby and enjoy this pregnancy (as much as I can with a 7-month-old wiggling around at home). 

Isn't it the best surprise ever? For the first time we were not seeking it, or trying or doing ovulation tests or even paying attention to the calendar and BOOM it happened! Deep in my heart I was kind of hoping it would happen like this for once so I am very very thankful and looking forward to holding this little one in September! 

It might take a huge belly for it to completely sink in though, it's weird to be thinking about another baby when it feels like you just had a baby yesterday. We're in for some exciting times around here!

What is the best surprise you've ever received?

We're back!

We flew back into town last Monday. We got back ready to kick it in high gear. With closing on our first home on Thursday and moving scheduled for Friday we only had a couple of days to finish packing. After scrambling around to get all the last papers over to our lender we found out on Wednesday that because of a mistake they made we would not be able to close on Thursday as planned. Which ended up being a blessing in disguise because they ended up giving us an unexpected lenders credit and we won't have a mortgage payment till April which will help us get our finances back on track, finally!

The down side is that when we started packing before we left we planned to be back home for only a couple of days and we were going to be so busy finishing up that we wouldn't even have time to cook or notice all the stuff that was already in boxes. We went from planning to be "living off of boxes" for three days to 8 days! It hasn't been easy but it's coming to an end and we are thrilled for what's coming!!!

Anyway, we had a wonderful time in Mexico. Lots of friends, family, and good food. Not only that but also a very needed week at the beach resting, swimming, and eating to our hearts content. Lots of "firsts" for our little one that we thoroughly enjoyed and the Abuelos where beyond themselves spoiling, holding, changing, and loving on Ethan which gave Bruce and I a very needed break as well as a few date nights with no extra babysitting charge! 

Besides all the "firsts" we lived in Mexico we also lived a couple of very significant events for our family. We had Ethan's dedication with the Pastor/dear friend that officiated our wedding and celebrated Ethan's 7 months with our friends and family there. Since we won't be there when he turns one, we decided to throw him a 7 month monster party which was a big success.  

I leave you with some pictures:

First flight, First Vacation, First Time Swimming, First Time at the Beach!

Thank you Abuelos for the best Christmas present ever!

More on the party and the dedication soon, stay tuned!

1/2 a year

I know, I know all I blog about lately is my son... maybe that has to do with the fact that he is my life right now! 

Anyway, today my baby is 6 months old, half a year of an amazing journey in which I have discovered a different kind of love. I never knew it was possible to love someone like I love this little guy, who by the way is anything but little! Everybody keeps telling me how big he is and everything was put into perspective for me when someone told me their one-year-old is 21 pounds, Ethan was 18 lbs. 10 oz. at his 4 month appointment so he is BIG!

I am beyond in love with him he has such a beautiful character. 

I love to do a "mini" photo session every month, daddy says I torture the boy but I'm taking advantage of him not being mobile or talking yet. I say "mini" because in my had I shot only a couple of pictures and when I download them I find out I took 360 pictures, how did that happen? And then it is sooo hard to get rid of them so I end up with about 50 pictures of the same pose because he looks cute!!!

Here's his 6 month picture (one of many): 

He is exploring everything with his mouth!

It is awesome to see him grow, explore and discover the world. He's rolling back to tummy and tummy to back. When he's laying down he tries to pull himself up. He can sit and stand with a little help. At the rate he's growing he will be running around and talking in about 3 seconds. It is amazing how fast they grow but I have a feeling my boy might be in more of a hurry than most! 

We love every minute with you son, let's discover together!

His First Christmas!

June 27th was the start of a year of firsts that we are enjoying immensely! 

It's been a wonderful couple of days. Daddy had to work on Tuesday but to our surprise he came home an hour early. Once he was home the festivities officially began. 

Our Christmas Eve was full of...

Christmas Jammies

Christmas Crafts,

Family Picture Attempts,

Presents from Daddy, 

Presents from Mommy,

and lots of fun. We are loving this parenting thing! Ethan has such a beautiful temperament which makes everything that much more enjoyable.

Christmas Day was lots of fun too, we...

had a quiet morning,

enjoyed lunch and presents with friends that are family,

took pictures with mommy

and just mom and dad,

it was a special time in which we felt loved and started some Christmas traditions for our young family!

Today is back to normal but our hearts are full and we are looking forward to many more firsts in this little guy's life. 

We love you son, Merry First Christmas!