Before the year ends

Wow it has been very long since I posted! I guess I don't have a good excuse other than my days just fly by. I can't say I'm too busy because really I'm not, however a lot has been going on. I'll have to use bullet style to fit everything into one post but I am sure I will love to come back and read this and see how far God has taken us. So here we go:

- Late October we found out that in June 2012 we will be welcoming our first born into our family! It's been one crazy ride full of  joy, doubt, worry, trust, disbelief, growth, and so much love. Since then we've been able to see and hear baby twice and it has been one of the most amazing experiences in life. I'm sporting a cute lil bump now and can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl so I can start calling baby by name! Just a couple more weeks till we find out!

So in love!



- I quit my job and started my own English/Spanish translation business. It's had a slow start but it's going. I am an interpreter but now that I've been having some time to make some crafts I'm thinking about maybe using my creativity to make some money. I think I can do both at the same time we'll see how it goes. Right now I've been focused on enjoying the Holidays, finding us a place to live, packing and looking forward to getting settled in our new place, which brings us to the next point.

 

The business

- In November we took a trip to Miami for my good friend's wedding, we had a very good time and it was kind of our babymoon. When we got back home a letter from the company we're leasing was waiting for us in the mail. The letter was to inform us that they would not be renewing our contract and that we had to move by the end of December. We really love the house but apparently the owner wants to sell and we just can't pay what she's asking for it. Anyway, we've had a hard time finding another place because we really got spoiled with this one but today we finally signed a contract for our new home at least for the next year. We're hoping to be able to buy next year, we'll see what happens! For now we're happy that we have a new home that is still close to Bruce's job and in the side of town that we love. God is faithful!

 

bye, bye house

 

- Both our cars broke down during the same week. We sold Bruce's truck for 200 bucks cuz there was no point on trying to fix it and he fixed mine so we're back to being a one-car family for now but hopefully soon we'll get a second car. The savings on the insurance policy and gas are sweet though!

 

Bye, bye truck

 

That's what the last months of 2011 have brought our way. We are thankful because we are ending our year in a much better note than we started it, we know that God is good no matter what and we are thankful for a year in which He turned our mourning into dancing.

 

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing: you have put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness.   

Psalm 30:11

 

Thank you Jesus!

Pinterest inspires me

Ever since I discovered Pinterest I became an addict. Seriously I spend a lot of time there and it has turned out to be an amazing source of inspiration. Good thing Bruce thinks it's a good thing for me even when it's costing us some money, but hey all good thing cost, right? right?

Anyway, so I saw this:

Source

And loved the idea! Halloween is not big at all at home but Thanksgiving and Christmas that's another story. We go all out! We love both holidays and love the idea to have some cute pillow cover made by yours truly. So this is how it went down.

I went to walmart and got this fabric and zippers:

And I went to JoAnn and got these zippers:

At first I thought I would try a different tutorial for the covers but I didn't want to have to spend money for both holidays so I went with this zipper tutorial so I could do what I call "double duty pillow covers". I designed, printed and cut the stensils (I failed to take a picture of those). I traced, sewed and painted my pillow covers and this is the wonderful result!:

The Christmas ones still need some work but I am
still to figure out what to do to them. I have time.

So this os how Pinterest inspired me to make something unique, thrifty and cool looking. I love my new addiction!

Loooong weekend, finally!

I've worked the past two Saturdays so I am really looking forward to getting this long weekend started. I have a few plans and projects that are exciting!

• My long weekend starts today at 2pm, I'm getting off work early! I plan to run a few errands and start working on a project for my husband is kind of a surprise and I am stocked!
• We finally finished a project we've been working on together for the living room. We had a vertical bookshelf and we decided to give it a face lift and use it differently. I love the result so much that it deserves a post of its own but I have to get some decent pictures first.
• I am in the process of making some fall decorations hopefully I will be able to finish them this weekend and have a fall-y house by Tuesday!
• I am quiting my job at the end of this month. I'm so excited! I am starting my own business and I am very nervous too. I'm working on my web page and my cousin is helping me design my logo and stuff it is Ah.mazing! Can't wait to spend more time at home and getting mu business going! Yaaaay!
• Since Bruce started school we haven't had much time off at the same time but it looks like this weekend we'll be able to spend some time together. That man makes my heart skip a beat!
• Monday I'm going bowling with Miss Laura, can't wait! I'm sure we will have a blast!

Life is good, happy Columbus' day weekend!

I remember...

...our vacation to Rio.

After we graduated I stayed in Brazil a couple more weeks and we planned a trip to Rio de Janeiro. Nathalie, you and I took the bus to Buzios where we had booked a hotel room with my parents' time share. It was beautiful. We had a blast at the hotel. We made food, swam, and went around town. One morning you came into the girls' room to wake me up and you smelled like heaven. You had just shaved and brushed your teeth and the mixture of smells between your after shave lotion and the toothpaste is something that I will never forget and if I smell it ever again you will come to my mind.

After our "rich" vacation in Buzios we decided to take the bus to Rio. We were short on money but we decided to stay anyway. We found a little one room apartment with a mattress. Us girls stayed in the room and you slept in the mattress in the livingroom. We went around town, to the beach and to the Christ statue in the picture. We had a lovely time. I remember you made me an apron with a plastic bag. We had a very serious talk which you were very nervous about ;). You woke me up with a beautiful pink rose one morning and a love note. It was a good time and I didn't want it to be over!

Gotta unload

I'm not sure if anyone reads my blog yet but this is my space, my journal and where I can just unload. There's a lot going on right now in my head and in our life, so here it is:

• I've been getting headaches every single day for about 2 weeks now and I'm starting to worry a bit. I'm reluctant to make a doctor's app though I know I probably should. Maybe I'm just thinking too much or our mattress sucks and is time to get a new one.
• Bruce is back in school which is awesome but I don't get to see him much during the week, I know it won't be forever but I miss him when he's not around, he makes my life happier!
• We are actively TTC this month, I'm working on trusting God and only Him. I'm trying not to dump all my trust on Ovulation Tests. I'm struggling with trusting God and being at ease with His perfect time. I'm praying this is the month we get a baby! We'll see what the future holds.
• Last week I started attending a women's small group. I'm so excited about it. Since we got to the States I've struggled to find a good girlfriend. Besides the topic is "Strategic shopping", what girl doesn't like a small group that is about shopping! We also get to enjoy delish food, make friends and listen to the wisdom and experience of a woman I admire, awesome right?
• I just found a blog of a girl who is a spray paint lover and she is converting me. My husband is afraid I'm going to want to spray paint everything in our house now. Furniture watch out, here I come  muahahaha!
• There is a project I've been wanting to tackle but to be honest I'm afraid to start it. I'm making a cover for our comforter but I have no idea where to start so I'm putting it off with the excuse of lack of material. Maybe next week I'll get brave and start it. Hopefully I won't disappoint my husband who is very excited about it!

See? I already feel better! There is definitely something about pouring one's brain out!

I wouldn't mind...

the nausea and the dizziness
if it means I'll see two pink lines

the heartburn and the cramps
if it means I'll hear your heart beat

the multiple trips to the bathroom
it if means I'll see you growing healthy

the pain and the hot flashes
if it means I'll feel you move in my belly

the swollen feet and the strech marks
if it means you get to stay with us

the baby weight and the sore breasts
if it means I can hold and kiss you

all that is painful and uncomfortable
if it means at the end I will meet you and fall in love with you!

God promised you to us and we can't wait to meet you, hopefully soon!

Love mom and dad.

I remember...

...our trip to Chile.                               

For our DTS outreach we went to Chile. I happened to be the only Spanish speaker in the group, the perfect excuse to spend time with me on our way over there. We took a bus from Brazil to Chile, 4 days on a bus and not much more to do than talk and learn Spanish! 

It was a very special time, we got to know each other, talk, be stressed about the future, fight against people who wanted to keep us apart, dance, joke and flirt. Since we were not allowed to speak much to each other we kept a notebook that we passed back and forth with our conversations. We wrote each other letters. We went to different cafes to chat or e-mail each other. We tried to have private conversations in a room full of people just so we wouldn't get in trouble. Oh 'good' times!

It was the first time I got an e-mail from you. A beautiful poem you wrote yourself. My heart was beating so fast when I read it. I discovered what love is. I think I read it like 20 times, just over and over again to take it all in, to understand every word and the intention behind it. I love that poem so much that I framed it and hung it in my room when I went back home for those 2.5 long years.

It wasn't an easy time by no means. Lots of challenges, uncertainty and mixed feelings. However, I cherish that time. We were together, getting to know each other and with all of our life ahead of us to enjoy, to dream about. We made it through it, we survived, we graduated!

I remember...

...when we talked.                                    

We were spring cleaning the base. I was sweeping  some stairs and I saw you  approach with your back pack. You looked distressed. Finally you gathered the courage and told me: "I don't want a relationship with you!". I was speechless. We had been hanging out a lot. We had become very close but I was not thinking about relationships with anyone. I of course told you that and that was it. We finished cleaning and remained friends as always. I was worried that after our little talk we would grow apart but we didn't. Actually, the opposite happened.  

After some trips down town, talks while we did homework, movies and meals, one day I was in the computer room and asked me if we could talk after you came back. I told you I had to ask you something. After you left I sat there trying to figure out something smart to ask you but couldn't come up with anything. When you got back you came to see me.

We were both nervous. Since I couldn't think of anything to say you asked if you could make it easier for me, so this is what was said next:

-B: "I like you."

-P: (nervous laugh and silence, followed by your very first Spanish lesson) "What do you mean? Because in Spanish we have 2 translations for that. 1) Me caes bien (which you can use for friends) or 2) Me gustas (which you only use when talking to a woman that you like). So which is it?"

-B: "Me gustas."

-P: Like 10 mins of nervous rumbling followed by a very honest: "I think I like you too."

After that you stood up and walked away.

I remember...

...when we met.    
                                     

It was January of 2006. I had just arrived to the YWAM base in BH, Brazil. I was a week late due to paper work needed but the leaders of our DTS (Discipleship and Training School) had accepted me into the school. You and the rest had just come back from a week long camp near the Amazon river.

To celebrate the end of the camp and the beginning of the school they threw a bbq (churrasco) party. I had just been introduced to everybody there. I didn't really notice you until you, with that strong, outgoing attitude that is so you, got up on a chair and yelled: "Hey, let's pray!". I remember thinking "That man is a leader!". That was the first time I noticed you.

Later that day Ron invited me out for burgers. I thought there would be a bunch of us but it was only Ron, Sergio, you and I. We ate and played pool. You thought I was from the States and found it hard to believe that I had never even been here. Somehow we joked about you kissing me. You promised you would kiss me one day and we laughed about it. Little did we know!

Back to life

Last weekend was a very eventful one for me. Since I did all my wifey things on Friday (groceries ans stuff), I had all Saturday off. I dropped Bruce off at work and hit some garage sales. Among other cool stuff I scored these x 2= 4:

I've been wanting to put some decorative pillows in the living room but haven't been able to talk myself into spending $13 a pop for non-essential items. I am creative and I love having projects, however, for the past year or so I haven't been so focused on excersicing my creativity. To be honest I was starting to feel quite rusty. So when I saw these 20'x 20' and the lady said she wanted $1 for all four of them I was sold! New decorative pillows for the house AND I get to have a project all for $1 + some fabric that I get to pick!!! What a deal!

I never owned a sewing machine before but that has never stopped me from having sewing projects here and there so it was not going to stop me now. I went to Hobby Loby and picked this:

I measured, cut, and started sewing yes, with thread and needle all by hand. Bruce was sitting by my side and when I finished the first pillow cover he asked: "Are you going to make 3 more of those?", I said : "Yes!" and he said: "Come on let's go to Walmart!", and I asked: "What for?", and he answered: "To get you a sewing machine.", and I said: "Yey!".

So off we went to Walmart. We tried to research real quick on our phones and decided either Singer or Brother would be a good pick. I didn't want to spend too much but Bruce wanted me to be happy with whatever I got. I got this:

                                                    

Exciting, right? Our Walmart trip turned into a Walmart and JoAnn trip where we found some really cool fabric for a comforter that I'm going to make! Another project!!!! (Report on that coming when we get the fabric). That night we went home and I gave the whole sewing machine my very first try:

I got so excited that I sewed all three pillow covers without looking for a zipper tutorial first and it turns out that before sewing the 3 edges that don't have a zipper you need to do the zipper one, oh blessed tutorials. So the next day I undid them all and took my first attempt at following a sewing tutorial. It was a bit of a disaster at first and at second and at third but at about the fourth or fifth attempt I did it and here is the result:

My very first zipper!

Not bad uh? After a couple more of these, this is how our couch looks like now:

Green side showing



Turquoise side showing



You like them? I do! Bruce is not too sure about the colorful pattern, he sais it's hippie, hope it grows on him! But I think it brings some color into the room and the best part is that I made the covers!!! I had almost forgotten how good it feels to have a project. Planning it. Shoppping for it. Struggling through it. Figuring it out. And having the end result right before your eyes and loving it! I feel like I came back to life! Can't wait to tackle all the projects I have in mind. Love being creative!

I am doing it!

I am on week 8 of my couch to 5k training! To be honest I messed up a bit and repeated w3 on w4 so I've been running for 7 weeks (and counting) but I'm behind on the actual training  schedule anyway it doesn't matter that much because the point is that I AM actually running! I never thought I would find an achievable training and 6 weeks in a row is a huge achievement for me! I've tried to excersice before and I haven't gone further than a couple of weeks tops.

When I started writing this post on Thurday I was proud of the fact that I am keeping up with the training I started but on Friday I achieved something even bigger that made me VERY PROUD of my consistency and taught me something that might be obvious for you but it wasn't for me. So after work I went grocery shopping when I was driving home I was debating between running or not because it was getting dark. I got home and thought I could beat darkness, I put on my running atire and off we went (the dogs run with me). I started my 5 min walking and then I thought I started the timer for the 8 min jogging. When I started approaching the spot where I had started running and the timer hadn't gone off I started wondering. I checked the timer and I hadn't really pushed the start button. I had already ran 1 mile straight and didn't even know it so I pushed a little harder and ended up running a whole 1 mile and 1/2 and I haven't looked back since. More progress has happened the last couple of days. I've been running 25 mins straight and I'm loving it!

Yeeeey for me!

Oh and what I learned: I can run better with no sun, while it gives me a beautiful tan it drains the energy out of me!

Today...

...was baby #1's due date. I've missed him the past 7 months or so. Sometimes the thought of how big my belly would be at the time hits me and leaves me thinking. This week the thought has been that we would be welcoming our baby into our family around these days. It makes me wonder how that would be like and how it would feel. Anyway, I thought that it would be nice to share a letter I wrote for our baby the day after he left us. So here it is:

January 10th 2011.

My dear sweet baby,

This is your mommy. A couple of days ago you were in my womb and I was thrilled. So excited to see you, to feel you and to see my belly grow because of you. Dad and I had been waiting for a couple of years to be ready to get pregnant and welcome you into our home. Neither of us felt ready for the responsibility we knew it was to raise you and guide you in God's pad but in November last year something changed in our hearts. We went to spend Thanksgiving with Uncle James and Aunt Ashley and their beautiful son Zachary, we had a wonderful time with them and watching your cousin be funny and silly. God used that time and that little one to put a strong desire in our hearts to have a baby of our own. Funny, but not too long after that we learned that we were expecting you! It made our hearts skip a beat and we were delighted. I wanted to go buy everything to be ready to receive you, dad had to stop me! We kept it a secret for a couple of weeks because your abuelos where going to come visit and we wanted to tell them in person. Finally they came and we told them, they couldn't be happier. We called your grandma and grandpa to tell them too and they were very excited. We got you some Christmas presents and you even participated in a Mexican tradition:“Reyes” and they brought you some things. Oh I forgot to tell you, you were a traveler too, you went with us to New York, we had a good time although we couldn't wait to come back to our new home.
Anyway, today you are not with us anymore, last Friday night we had to go to the ER just to find out that you were gone, the news broke our hearts. Even as I write this letter I can't help but cry, it hurts. But I know that now you are with your Lord and that there's not a better place than that. Although I wish I was still carrying you in my womb and I could still look forward to holding you in August (that's when we thought we would meet you), I know that there's no better place than Heaven for you. And I rest in the hope of God's promise that I will see you again when I go to Heaven with our Lord.
Please know that Dad and I love you very much, that we miss you and that we look forward to meeting you one day in Heaven. You have been the best news we've had so far and as short as your life was you brought a lot of blessings, laughter and joy into our life. We love you baby and we will be sure to share with your brothers and sisters how happy you made us. Thank you for being such a blessing, say hi to our Father for us.

With all of my love,

MOM.

Mommy still thinks of you baby and is looking forward to meeting you in Heaven! 

The day I became a resident

Since I am a Mexican that happened to fall in love and marry an American who brought me to his country to live with him I had to go through a bunch and I mean a BUNCH of paperwork to become resident of the USA. Now I have been living in the States for the past year and a half so this is how it played out:

Dec 18th 2009 - We moved to the Sates. We arrived in California @ my in-laws for Christmas. I entered the country as a tourist.

Jan 13th 2010 - We moved to ABQ, NM. We packed all we owned including our dog in the car God blessed us with and drove to NM.

March 1st 2010 - I started an internship at the Consulate of Mexico. Basically free work for the Mexican government to thank them for my education which WE paid for but whatever!

Early May - We start wondering what we are going to do since my tourist permit will expire at the end of June. Do I leave the country and come back in? do we file for residency? What to do?

May 15th 2010 - They are so happy with my work that they decide to offer me a paid position...there is a problem though, I don't have work authorization at the time!

Late May - We travel to Juarez in order for me to get an A-2 visa (which is a special visa for workers of a foreign government). I was granted the visa and I was good to stay in the States for as long as I was hired at the consulate.

April 4th - Our 2 year anniversary! According to immigration attorney it's best to file for residency after we've been married for 2 years.

Mid April - I filed my papers for my residency and the wait starts.

May 30 - I went to get my biometrics (picture, signature and finger prints) taken.

August 10 - We go to our immigration interview. The man that interviewed us was very friendly. At the beginning we were nervous but he was so nice he made us feel comfortable. We rocked the interview and I became a resident... which means I am free to work wherever I want... which means I'm quiting the consulate in September... which means I get to start my own translation and interpretation business... which means I get to have more time to do stuff around the house and start a hobby... which means I am thrilled and very much looking forward to what God has in store for the months to come!!!

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness!

Making our home

One of the things I love the most about married life is that we get to 'build' our home. On December last year we bought our very first couches:

Pleader reclining couches

It was so exciting (for me) to go to the store knowing that we had a budget and that we could pick anything we liked within that price range! Sometime between when we got out of the store after the purchase and when we got to sit (and recline) on our brand new couches for the very first time Bruce admitted that he would have never even thought about buying new furniture (that's what craigslist is for, right?). However, I loved seeing his face full of satisfaction the first couple of times we got to hang out in the living room or when he got home from work to a furnished house.

My parents' Christmas present for us was a gorgeous dining set that we saw the same day we bought the couches:

Marble top and pleader chairs

So the dining/living areas were covered, we are so happy with how everything turned out and  specially excited that we don't owe a dime on either piece of furniture(please don't take offense)!

Next step our bed! Long story short we got our bed from some guy that was moving out of his house and wanted us to take as much stuff as we could out of his hands. This was when we first moved to the Sates (after a year in Mexico City), anyway, we rented a U-haul and got tons of stuff among which there were two twin mattresses. We set them together on the floor in our tiny apartment and called it a 'king size' bed. It wasn't as comfortable as it sounds because we would have a crack in the middle, it was a pain! So I got some yarn and sew both mattresses together and voila, problem solved! Then Bruce got some 5 gal buckets and set them underneath to make the bed higher, it worked for a while until the box springs started breaking so, I was forced to take them out and set our bed on the floor. Bruce didn't like it to much but we didn't have an option. Anyway, last Sunday I thought that we could splurge some money of this months budget to buy a decent bed frame. It took two stores and three transactions to get the bed of our dreams (to be honest it's still growing on me but I like it and I love that Bruce is happy with it!). So with no further ado I give you our new bed:



It's massive and it makes our room look so small but it's perfect!



It's missing the drawers on the front and the foot board is cracked so we need to get a new foot board and the drawers which will hopefully be in soon.

So everything looks perfect right? We have a king size bed frame and we don't need a new mattress because we have a 'king size mattress' (insert squealing tires sound effect here); we put the bed together, we put the box springs on the bed and oh goodness our 'king size mattress' is too short!!! Bruce was a little disappointed but we decided that it is the perfect excuse to buy ourselves a new king size mattress (great take on life adversities, right?) Of course that will be next month, but hey our bedroom is coming together!

Driving on bittersweet lane

Last night we recieved some unexpected visitors. Bruce's brother J and family arrived at around 8:30 in the evening! They are on their way to California because they are moving there. He is in the army and is being transfered back home (the Coys are from Cali).

We are so happy for them because that's exactly what they wanted and at the same time it's kind of sad because they were the ones that lived the closest to us. They were only 7 hours away, ok it's not thaaaat close but consider that my family lives in Mexico City and Bruce's parents live 15 hours away in California. So a 7 hour drive to spend time with family wasn't bad at all!

We love spending time with them. It's so perfect, the kids are awesome, the guys have a blast and I never laugh so much as when they are together and us girls just love each other! We are so thankful for them and excited that they get to live by the beach. God's been good to them! Can't wait to drive to Cali for Christmas!

Ps Have I mentioned that I hate the feeling of an empty house after everybody leaves?

No, I'm not, but it's ok

So I'm not pregnant but it's all good. I'm learning to wait, trust and live right this moment. Count my blessings and not worry about what I don't or could have. God is God and I am not waiting stinks but I have Him.

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

10 things I am thankful for:

1. Salvation, because of Jesus I get to have eternal life!
2. Jesus, He is the best!
3. Bruce, a lot of people out there wish they had found their life mate so I'm not going to take him for granted!
4. Family, I love them!
5. Food, it's delicious and yep taken for granted sometimes too.
6. My job, it's been a blessing I know also a lot of people would kill to have my job so as much as I dislike it I'm thankful and try to make the best out of it (sometimes).
7. Bruce's job, you have no idea how much I feared he wouldn't find a job he loved (besides firefighting, scaryyyy), but he loves it and is growing in it and he is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G at it!
8. The sun, since I started running I'm rocking a nice tan!
9. My doggies, they bring tons of fun times, smiles and happiness to my life.
10. My bed, I love sleeping on it, it's sooo comfy!

Life is good!

Unhealthy?

On Sunday my husband was reading my blog and he looked at me in a kind of concerned way. Later I asked him what that was all about, he said it was about the pictures and tickers I had added to my blog. He was concerned that I had added them because I haven't gotten over it or I am just holding on to my babies in a creepy unhealthy way.

So I got to explaining him that it is not the case. I mean it still hurts at times and I get teary when I think about what would be but I AM healing. The reason why I decided to put up those pictures and tickers is deeper. Since I read "Heaven is for real" I realised how real our babies are. They ARE persons, they ARE in Heaven, they ARE now part of our story, they ARE as important as any other kids we will have. So I did it as a memorial, as a way to remember them and (assuming they know or Jesus tells them what is going on here on earth) let them know that mommy and daddy love them.

There it is, I hope you don't judge and if you've lost a baby and are reading this that this will help you rest in the assurance that you will meet your baby one day!

Dear time,

I would really really really appreciate if for just this next week and a half you could pass by a little faster! What? You want to know why? Well you see, there is a VERY GOOD possibility that I could be pregnant. It's too early for symptoms and I don't want to pee on a stick before I actually miss my period which is not for another week and a half. I know I have been selfish in thinking that I don't want to have a baby right now and stuff but the truth is I'm getting anxious! I want to know! And I know I would love it if I were! I know everything is in God's hands and it's ok if I'm not but this waiting time is not my favorite.

Now I have to confess I am a little nervous because once I find out, if I AM pregnant then I will want the first three months to go by fast just to be sure that I won't loose this one but nothing is for sure anyway so I guess I will just turn to the one that holds my life in His hands and rest in the knowledge that He is in control over every single thing that happens in my life.

So time: take your time because He is in control of you too and He is never early and never late!

Sincerely,

Me.

I think I might....

...be getting there...

...It has been a rough first part of the year. Loosing two babies led to grief, tears and despair. It sounds like a long time ago but I am just now starting to feel normal again. Everything happened so fast, I don't think I had time to recover from the first loss when I was pregnant again and a week later had lost another baby. It hit me hard. Lots of questions, lots of righteous questions (why ME?/ I've been sooo good/why do I have to loose babies when there's other 'non-deserving' people pregnant out there/why everybody seems to be pregnant right now when I'm hurting so much)I think I wanted the world to stop and I didn't want anybody else to be pregnant! (Don't judge me I know all these thoughts were/are wrong, don't think God hasn't spoken to me about it, and I'm working on changing it).

I've feared. I've closed up. I've mourned. Less and less everyday and more silently. Sometimes I think "I would have a huge tummy right now", "We would be preparing for the arrival of baby Coy #1", "How would it be?". It hurts to think all this and I try not to entertain those thoughts too long.

I went from being afraid of getting pregnant and loosing a baby again to being afraid of staying pregnant and what comes next. In part selfishly (I don't want to give up my comfortable life for someone that will be completely dependent upon me) and in part because I wasn't still am not sure I am capable of raising a life of my own. How could I if I feel so broken? I think I hit rock bottom when I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted kids anymore, wait, but that's been a life-long dream of mine, how did this happen? I wasn't going to let anything or anyone steal this from me!

God has been faithful (shocking, NOT!). I've been praying and giving it all to him. All my feelings, my fears, my wounds, my desires, everything. I've been being honest with myself. I've been asking God to put His dreams back in my heart. And today I am happy to say that I, for the very first time in the last couple of months, feel a bit of a desire to get pregnant again. I wan to try again! I will not let the trials I've gone through stop me. I have the King of Kings on my side. He defeated death on the cross so who am I to let death stop me from accomplishing the dreams He put in my heart. I WILL hold my children on this earth and I WILL meet my babies in HEAVEN. They are alive and well, dancing before the throne of God, taking walks with Jesus and sitting on his lap (I could not offer anything better than that!), so:

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15:55

I will not let you paralyze me anymore or scare me. God will fulfill His plans for me and I am not going to stop Him by listening to the bs the master liar wants me to believe.

Maybe we'll get good news soon!

New shoes!

So today besides having a lovely date day with Bruce, I got new shoes!

Love 'em!

A while ago I decided to start working out and I have been doing it on and off for the last 6 months or so but between pregnancies, visits, trips and laziness, well let's just say I haven't been as faithful as I should.

Truth is I didn't know what a good work out would be since I want to loose weight and I am completely out of shape. So what I've been doing is walk for about an hour every other day or so. I don't think I have done it long enough to know if it works or not but I didn't know what else  to do. Anyway, last week I read this post and there it was!

The perfect way to go from the couch to 5k in 9 weeks! I can do 9 weeks! However, I had one little problem: no appropriate shoes for running. So today we took care of that problem and now I am looking forward to starting my training! Maybe I will run a half marathon or two for a good cause as some ladies are doing. For now I will take one day at a time and hope to make it all the way  to week 9. Wish me luck!

If you've lost a baby...

...you most definitely want to read this book! Specially the chapter titled "I have two sisters". I don't want to ruin it for anybody so I won't say more than I need to. The book is about a kid that went to Heaven during a surgery that saved his life. In Heaven he not only met Jesus and his cousin John, but he also met a girl that wouldn't stop kissing and hugging him. This little girl was the baby his mom miscarried before he was born. A girl he didn't know about and who he wouldn't have recognized if it weren't because she looked like their older sister and because she told him she had died in their mom's tummy. Reading how Colton describes his meeting with his sister in Heaven brought tears to my eyes and a whole new meaning to the concept I had of people going to Heaven.

I've lost two babies in the past 6 months and recently A (SIL) lost hers, and although I know in my head that all three of them are in heaven it has never been as real to me as it is now after reading this book. Now I have new hope, something new to look forward to. Now I know that they are in heaven together, that most likely they play together and they know each other! I look forward to meeting them in heaven and knowing if they are boys or girls. To see how beautiful they are, to hug them and play with them.

I know I still have a lot to live for, don't get me wrong, I don't want to die yet. And although I am at a weird place right now regarding getting pregnant and having children I do want to live to see the fruit(s) of our love.

So if you've lost a baby or anybody you love I would widely recommend that you read this book. I don't remember the last time I read a book in 2 days, it is THAT good! I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me.