...It has been a rough first part of the year. Loosing two babies led to grief, tears and despair. It sounds like a long time ago but I am just now starting to feel normal again. Everything happened so fast, I don't think I had time to recover from the first loss when I was pregnant again and a week later had lost another baby. It hit me hard. Lots of questions, lots of righteous questions (why ME?/ I've been sooo good/why do I have to loose babies when there's other 'non-deserving' people pregnant out there/why everybody seems to be pregnant right now when I'm hurting so much)I think I wanted the world to stop and I didn't want anybody else to be pregnant! (Don't judge me I know all these thoughts were/are wrong, don't think God hasn't spoken to me about it, and I'm working on changing it).
I've feared. I've closed up. I've mourned. Less and less everyday and more silently. Sometimes I think "I would have a huge tummy right now", "We would be preparing for the arrival of baby Coy #1", "How would it be?". It hurts to think all this and I try not to entertain those thoughts too long.
I went from being afraid of getting pregnant and loosing a baby again to being afraid of staying pregnant and what comes next. In part selfishly (I don't want to give up my comfortable life for someone that will be completely dependent upon me) and in part because I
wasn't still am not sure I am capable of raising a life of my own. How could I if I feel so broken? I think I hit rock bottom when I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted kids anymore, wait, but that's been a life-long dream of mine, how did this happen? I wasn't going to let anything or anyone steal this from me!
God has been faithful (shocking, NOT!). I've been praying and giving it all to him. All my feelings, my fears, my wounds, my desires, everything. I've been being honest with myself. I've been asking God to put His dreams back in my heart. And today I am happy to say that I, for the very first time in the last couple of months, feel a bit of a desire to get pregnant again. I wan to try again! I will not let the trials I've gone through stop me. I have the King of Kings on my side. He defeated death on the cross so who am I to let death stop me from accomplishing the dreams He put in my heart. I WILL hold my children on this earth and I WILL meet my babies in HEAVEN. They are alive and well, dancing before the throne of God, taking walks with Jesus and sitting on his lap (I could not offer anything better than that!), so:
"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"
1 Corinthians 15:55
I will not let you paralyze me anymore or scare me. God will fulfill His plans for me and I am not going to stop Him by listening to the bs the master liar wants me to believe.
Maybe we'll get good news soon!