Today...

...was baby #1's due date. I've missed him the past 7 months or so. Sometimes the thought of how big my belly would be at the time hits me and leaves me thinking. This week the thought has been that we would be welcoming our baby into our family around these days. It makes me wonder how that would be like and how it would feel. Anyway, I thought that it would be nice to share a letter I wrote for our baby the day after he left us. So here it is:

January 10th 2011.

My dear sweet baby,

This is your mommy. A couple of days ago you were in my womb and I was thrilled. So excited to see you, to feel you and to see my belly grow because of you. Dad and I had been waiting for a couple of years to be ready to get pregnant and welcome you into our home. Neither of us felt ready for the responsibility we knew it was to raise you and guide you in God's pad but in November last year something changed in our hearts. We went to spend Thanksgiving with Uncle James and Aunt Ashley and their beautiful son Zachary, we had a wonderful time with them and watching your cousin be funny and silly. God used that time and that little one to put a strong desire in our hearts to have a baby of our own. Funny, but not too long after that we learned that we were expecting you! It made our hearts skip a beat and we were delighted. I wanted to go buy everything to be ready to receive you, dad had to stop me! We kept it a secret for a couple of weeks because your abuelos where going to come visit and we wanted to tell them in person. Finally they came and we told them, they couldn't be happier. We called your grandma and grandpa to tell them too and they were very excited. We got you some Christmas presents and you even participated in a Mexican tradition:“Reyes” and they brought you some things. Oh I forgot to tell you, you were a traveler too, you went with us to New York, we had a good time although we couldn't wait to come back to our new home.
Anyway, today you are not with us anymore, last Friday night we had to go to the ER just to find out that you were gone, the news broke our hearts. Even as I write this letter I can't help but cry, it hurts. But I know that now you are with your Lord and that there's not a better place than that. Although I wish I was still carrying you in my womb and I could still look forward to holding you in August (that's when we thought we would meet you), I know that there's no better place than Heaven for you. And I rest in the hope of God's promise that I will see you again when I go to Heaven with our Lord.
Please know that Dad and I love you very much, that we miss you and that we look forward to meeting you one day in Heaven. You have been the best news we've had so far and as short as your life was you brought a lot of blessings, laughter and joy into our life. We love you baby and we will be sure to share with your brothers and sisters how happy you made us. Thank you for being such a blessing, say hi to our Father for us.

With all of my love,

MOM.

Mommy still thinks of you baby and is looking forward to meeting you in Heaven! 

No, I'm not, but it's ok

So I'm not pregnant but it's all good. I'm learning to wait, trust and live right this moment. Count my blessings and not worry about what I don't or could have. God is God and I am not waiting stinks but I have Him.

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

10 things I am thankful for:

1. Salvation, because of Jesus I get to have eternal life!
2. Jesus, He is the best!
3. Bruce, a lot of people out there wish they had found their life mate so I'm not going to take him for granted!
4. Family, I love them!
5. Food, it's delicious and yep taken for granted sometimes too.
6. My job, it's been a blessing I know also a lot of people would kill to have my job so as much as I dislike it I'm thankful and try to make the best out of it (sometimes).
7. Bruce's job, you have no idea how much I feared he wouldn't find a job he loved (besides firefighting, scaryyyy), but he loves it and is growing in it and he is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G at it!
8. The sun, since I started running I'm rocking a nice tan!
9. My doggies, they bring tons of fun times, smiles and happiness to my life.
10. My bed, I love sleeping on it, it's sooo comfy!

Life is good!

Unhealthy?

On Sunday my husband was reading my blog and he looked at me in a kind of concerned way. Later I asked him what that was all about, he said it was about the pictures and tickers I had added to my blog. He was concerned that I had added them because I haven't gotten over it or I am just holding on to my babies in a creepy unhealthy way.

So I got to explaining him that it is not the case. I mean it still hurts at times and I get teary when I think about what would be but I AM healing. The reason why I decided to put up those pictures and tickers is deeper. Since I read "Heaven is for real" I realised how real our babies are. They ARE persons, they ARE in Heaven, they ARE now part of our story, they ARE as important as any other kids we will have. So I did it as a memorial, as a way to remember them and (assuming they know or Jesus tells them what is going on here on earth) let them know that mommy and daddy love them.

There it is, I hope you don't judge and if you've lost a baby and are reading this that this will help you rest in the assurance that you will meet your baby one day!

I think I might....

...be getting there...

...It has been a rough first part of the year. Loosing two babies led to grief, tears and despair. It sounds like a long time ago but I am just now starting to feel normal again. Everything happened so fast, I don't think I had time to recover from the first loss when I was pregnant again and a week later had lost another baby. It hit me hard. Lots of questions, lots of righteous questions (why ME?/ I've been sooo good/why do I have to loose babies when there's other 'non-deserving' people pregnant out there/why everybody seems to be pregnant right now when I'm hurting so much)I think I wanted the world to stop and I didn't want anybody else to be pregnant! (Don't judge me I know all these thoughts were/are wrong, don't think God hasn't spoken to me about it, and I'm working on changing it).

I've feared. I've closed up. I've mourned. Less and less everyday and more silently. Sometimes I think "I would have a huge tummy right now", "We would be preparing for the arrival of baby Coy #1", "How would it be?". It hurts to think all this and I try not to entertain those thoughts too long.

I went from being afraid of getting pregnant and loosing a baby again to being afraid of staying pregnant and what comes next. In part selfishly (I don't want to give up my comfortable life for someone that will be completely dependent upon me) and in part because I wasn't still am not sure I am capable of raising a life of my own. How could I if I feel so broken? I think I hit rock bottom when I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted kids anymore, wait, but that's been a life-long dream of mine, how did this happen? I wasn't going to let anything or anyone steal this from me!

God has been faithful (shocking, NOT!). I've been praying and giving it all to him. All my feelings, my fears, my wounds, my desires, everything. I've been being honest with myself. I've been asking God to put His dreams back in my heart. And today I am happy to say that I, for the very first time in the last couple of months, feel a bit of a desire to get pregnant again. I wan to try again! I will not let the trials I've gone through stop me. I have the King of Kings on my side. He defeated death on the cross so who am I to let death stop me from accomplishing the dreams He put in my heart. I WILL hold my children on this earth and I WILL meet my babies in HEAVEN. They are alive and well, dancing before the throne of God, taking walks with Jesus and sitting on his lap (I could not offer anything better than that!), so:

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15:55

I will not let you paralyze me anymore or scare me. God will fulfill His plans for me and I am not going to stop Him by listening to the bs the master liar wants me to believe.

Maybe we'll get good news soon!

If you've lost a baby...

...you most definitely want to read this book! Specially the chapter titled "I have two sisters". I don't want to ruin it for anybody so I won't say more than I need to. The book is about a kid that went to Heaven during a surgery that saved his life. In Heaven he not only met Jesus and his cousin John, but he also met a girl that wouldn't stop kissing and hugging him. This little girl was the baby his mom miscarried before he was born. A girl he didn't know about and who he wouldn't have recognized if it weren't because she looked like their older sister and because she told him she had died in their mom's tummy. Reading how Colton describes his meeting with his sister in Heaven brought tears to my eyes and a whole new meaning to the concept I had of people going to Heaven.

I've lost two babies in the past 6 months and recently A (SIL) lost hers, and although I know in my head that all three of them are in heaven it has never been as real to me as it is now after reading this book. Now I have new hope, something new to look forward to. Now I know that they are in heaven together, that most likely they play together and they know each other! I look forward to meeting them in heaven and knowing if they are boys or girls. To see how beautiful they are, to hug them and play with them.

I know I still have a lot to live for, don't get me wrong, I don't want to die yet. And although I am at a weird place right now regarding getting pregnant and having children I do want to live to see the fruit(s) of our love.

So if you've lost a baby or anybody you love I would widely recommend that you read this book. I don't remember the last time I read a book in 2 days, it is THAT good! I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me.