Friday, June 15, 2012

Letter to my little man

My dear sweet Evan,

Today is a difficult day for mommy. "June 15th!" I repeated again and again every time someone asked me when our due date was. I delivered you 3 weeks ago and it's still hard to believe everything happened so fast.

May 24th was probably the hardest day of my life. When we "heard" that piercing silence, when we saw your still little body on that screen, when it was finally confirmed that you were no longer with us. Our hearts literally hurt, dad and I held tight and cried. Not because of you, we instanly knew you are better now. That now you have everything we could have never offered you. But knowing that we would never see you alive on this earth was the most painful thought of all.

I think about you every day. I have strech marks that won't let me forget you were here, with me. Those 8 months altough the hardest they were the most beautiful too beacause we got to love, protect and care for you as we never had for anyone. Fighting for your life has been one of our greatest honors. We were privileged to see you grow in mommy's belly. It made us so happy to see you so full of live every ultrasound. We smiled every time we saw your legs kick or your hands cover you face. It was a relief to see that you looked happy. I hope you could feel our love every moment of your very short life.

You are a special little man, you know your name means "Young fighter gift from the Lord" and we agree that every word of that meaning fits you like a glove. You are a champ, you always seemed so peaceful and happy even when we knew your earthly body wasn't perfect. Even when we held you after that peace on your face made dad and me feel much better knowing that you were in peace and that you were not hurting.

It's been a very tough season in our life and it is not over yet. We think of you and it hurts to think about what we are missing. We miss you so much. I miss you kicking around in my belly. I miss the ultrasound. I miss knowing that you were there. I miss rubing my belly to show you love. I miss trying to picture your cute little face and wonderign who you would look like. You looked so much like me, your nose and your hair were just like mine. But let me tell you, you had a lot of your daddy too. Your feet looked just like his, long and skiny. At first I thought your mouth looked like mine but a couple of times now when I see dad's mouth I immediately think of yours! You were the most perfect blend of us two and the perfect picture of how our love looks like.

I love you so much baby. We will never ever forget you and you will forever be a part of our family. We will be sure to tell your brothers and sisters about you. Please know that your life though short has a big purpose that I am sure we will continue to discover. Be asured on our love that though imperfect it's the best we can give. Please say hi to everyone up there. We look forward to seeing you and holding you someday.

With all my love,
Mommy.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Today...

It's half past midnight and I just saw the date on my computer screen. Today was supposed to be a happy day. You see today I would have been 39 weeks pregnant, a milestone I looked forward to my whole pregnancy. The day when our little one would have been perfectly developed and ready to be met by a world that loves him very much. Today would have been that day, one of the happiest days of my life.

Instead...today I have sad news. Today is a reminder of what I don't have, of what I lost, of what I miss. On May 24th 2012 I delivered the cold and still body of my sweet baby boy Evan Matthew Coy... it's Matthew with 2 t's (I've been miss spelling it a lot lately, sorry baby). Our young fighter gift from the Lord went to be with his Father sometime between Monday May 21st at 4pm and Wednesday May 23rd at 8pm. I wish I could recall the last time I felt him kick but as of now it's all a blur.

I wrote this e-mail on Saturday after it all happened, I know one day I will want to read it again so here it is:

Before I type any details I want to say that yesterday our miracle became tangible to us. I'm not exactly sure of the time but the moment our sweet Evan's heart stopped beating he was healed. Of course not in the way we wanted it to happen but in the perfect way His creator decided would be best not only for him but for us. I'm not saying this to sound spiritual or inspiring, I believe every word with all my heart and that belief doesn't make my heart or arms ache any less, it doesn't make this time any easier and it certainly doesn't stop tears from pouring out of my heart and eyes every time I think of our sweet boy.

We had an appointment on Monday with the cardiologist and his heart was doing perfectly fine as it had been the whole time. After that we met with the OB and we agreed that we would plan a c-section for week 39. On Wednesday night about 8pm I started to have contractions, I was awake all night as they became more regular and intense. At around 7am we decided to head to the hospital, they where going to hook us up to a monitor to check his heart and my contractions but they couldn't find his heart. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that his little heart was no longer beating. We held each other and cried trying to suck the news in and make decisions. We called Sharon, she came in and was everything we couldn't be at the time. God has been so good by putting the Cooks in our life. Who knew that my husband's boss' wife would guide me through labor, I don't think that's a common occurrence but God doesn't have limitations as on how he gives us what we need. Our OB came in to confirm with yet another ultrasound that Evan was no longer with us. Let me mention that we suspect that this OB is a believer, he advocated for Evan's life from the moment we met and he always referred to him by name, God's provision yet again. After that second ultrasound we started discussing what was next. They admitted me into labor and delivery to get things going. Although I had been having contractions all night I wasn't dilated at all do they gave me some pill and waited. It didn't seem like it for me because contractions just kept getting worse but I progressed to 5 cm fairly quick Melanie was documenting my contractions and when she said they where 2 mins apart I found it hard to believe since I felt I was hardly getting any breaks from the pain. Let me tell you that delivering Evan has been probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. I had to focus on breathing through every contraction but sometime they would get so painful that I would lose focus and only think of what was really going on. Nurse Sharon did a great job keeping me on track and helping me do what needed to be done. And Bruce did a wonderful job holding my hand, being loving and even breathing with us through every contraction. I couldn't have asked for better people to be by my side during this time. It seemed like an eternity but I finally got to the point were I was allowed to push. What a relief! It took a couple of contractions and several pushes but we did it and Evan was out been wrapped and handed to us. The peace and quiet in the room were amazing, all the doctors and nurses stood back just watching in utter respect of the moment we were living. For a while there it was only the three of us, our Evan is beautiful. Bruce was in awe of how much he looked like me. His nose is like mine, my dad's and my grandma's! He had  beautiful dark hair and perfect little lips. After he got cleaned up and wrapped up they handed him back to me and I could see his feet a tiny copy of his daddy's feet! What a wonderful experience to see the fruit of our love in one little person! After we got cleaned up we got to spend some more time with him, what a precious boy, he looked so peaceful and beautiful. It was hard to stop looking at him, I wanted to memorize every feature so I will never forget his face.

After we spent quite a while with our son the nurses took him to take some pictures, then they took pictures of all three of us. Melanie brought us dinner so we said good bye to our man, we ate and visited for a while. They moved me to another room and later my parents flew in from Mexico City. We hugged and cried and they got to meet their grandson. It was such a beautiful moment in which all of us in that room where focused on our Evan. We held him, I didn't want to let go, I couldn't stop looking at his cute face, it was a precious time that I will treasure in my heart for as long as I live. Time came to say good bye, only to his body, only for now, only until we meet in Heaven. I kissed his forehead as much as I could. I put him on the onesie and hat I had packed for him. I wrapped him up real tight and put him in the little basket the had brought him in. I told him to say hi to his siblings for me, I told him how much I loved him, and I said good bye. That might have been harder than delivering him.

We were blessed that every doctor and nurse were so caring and compassionate. We didn't have to struggle with anyone and no one tried to minimize what we were going through. We know those are answered prayers. Today a genetics specialist checked Evan and against all odds came to talk to us, he let us know that the diagnosis was a ruptured large omphalocele, which means that most of his liver and intestines were outside and that at some point they were covered by a membrane but it had ruptured leaving his organs exposed to the amniotic fluid for too long which they believe was the cause of death. He also said that although this condition is sometimes associated with other syndromes in his case it was an isolated event. After that talk we were discharged. Adding to the list of hard things we've had to do was walking out of that hospital with an empty belly and empty arms. Thank God for thoughtful friends who send a bouquet of roses to fill that emptiness.

I am doing well physically, I haven't had any pain or weakness. Which is good because I think I'd rather cope with only one kind of pain at the time and my heart hurts enough as it is. Bruce is hurting just as much but he has been an awesome support. Seeing him look at his Evan has been one of the most precious things I've ever witnessed and the love and tenderness he's shown toward me have been above and beyond anything I could ask for. I am blessed with such and amazing husband and daddy of our kids. We know this is the beginning of our grief because no matter how many kids we get to keep on this earth no one will ever take the place of our Evan. We will always miss him and have him in our hearts. Our Evan was a fighter, he survived beyond what was expected against all odds and we are so very proud of him. We are also thankful that we have the privilege of being his parents, that we could fight for his life, protect him, hold him and love him. He came into our life to bring us lots of joy and dreams but also to be used to strengthen our love. To draw us closer together and to God. We are broken but we still have hope and we don't plan on giving up any time soon.

It's been two weeks since the hardest day of our life. My heart is still broken and the pain is still here. Life is slowly going back to normal and I'm lost as of what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. I'm not quite ready for normal yet. Most days I have to make myself get out of bed and take a shower and get dressed and eat. If I didn't I would sleep.

I miss you little man, mommy loves you so very much!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

In His hands

"Be still and know that I am God"

Ever since Evan was conceived we've known that his life is sustained by his Creator. After two miscarriages, the first couple of weeks were scary, any slight cramping or discharge would make us wonder if everything was going to be OK. We held on to the quote above. Our pregnancy progressed and at week 12 we got news that something was not right. Read the story here.

A lot of things happened after that post. We've been to a million doctor's appointments and not only is their report the same but it has gotten worse. Every doctor we talk to has a different story, they range from everything will be OK all Evan needs is surgery to he's not growing so he could not survive long enough, and everything in between. Needless to say I'm over their reports and opinions!

Two ultrasounds ago the doctor freaked out because Evan is behind in growth and wanted to admit me right there and then, she didn't even know what for but that was her great solution! Instead of that we agreed to monitor him twice a week. About a week later we had an app with the OB and he said he didn't see the point on monitoring that closely because delivering early will not benefit anyone. Bottom line he's better off inside than outside. That for us represented both, a wake up call and a relief. Wake up call: doctors are not always right and we can use our brain and decide what we think is best for our baby. Relief: we don't have to spend every waking hour at the hospital with doctors and monitors, which, don't get me wrong, I would do a thousand times if that would do my son any good but it doesn't.

When we got out of that last appointment we had a lot of feelings. It was tough to hear the doctors give up on Evan by stating he won't survive. I cried, of course. At the same time I experienced a peace that can only come from my Father. It was as though He was saying "Evan is mine. He is in MY hands. No one else can do anything for him but ME. Know that I am his God." As hard as it has been to surrender our baby boy to God I don't think we've never experienced such peace and joy. We can laugh, and plan, and enjoy.

In very simple words, the doctors can't predict the outcome, they cannot give us a real diagnosis, they can't fix him right now, they can't give us any comfort or answers, they can't see the One who is sustaining our sons life. We, well we can't do ANYTHING other than pray, believe, and love the fruit of our love. Love him so much that we give him back to the One who made him. Love him so much that we cry and hurt and wait. Wait in our God who renews our strength. Wait with expectation of what we know HE is able to do. Wait on a miracle knowing that there is NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM.

Complete and absolute dependence on other than yourself is not fun. But when that other is the Creator, the Prince of Peace, the Healer, the Savior, the Redeemer, the Giver of life, the Comforter...well your life could not be in better hands even if it's no fun!

We cannot see the whole picture, our vision is blured by tears and feelings but HE sees everything and He is carrying us through this valley becase HE is GOD indeed!

Can't wait to hold you little man!
BTW I am 32 weeks pregnant and our little warrior's heart is beating as strong as ever and he is kicking and pushing and punching ad though saying "I ain't going anywhere!".







Sunday, April 15, 2012

3 years into it... Part 2

So this is a bit overdue, I couldn't do it earlier but it's still april so it counts. Let's keep the memories coming!

In June 2010 I was hired by the Consulate, so our period of comfortable living begun. With the extra income we were able to a lot more relaxed with our spending (which we needed after being so tight in Mexico). We started looking into moving out of the apartment, into a house and buying a truck for Bruce. By the end of the year everything fell into place. We found a cute little house very close to CFA, we got Bruce a truck without going into debt and we had found out we were pregnant for the very first time.

Our first house!

The beater truck

Baby on the way!
In December my parents came over to visit, they stayed at our house during Christmas while we went to New York! That trip was kind of bittersweet because my parents were in our new house and we were away. It felt wrong but we had a good time together. When we came back we celebrated both Christmas and New Year together with my parents, it was a blessed time!

New York, New York

Celebrating!
After that one of the most difficult times of our life began. When the year started we had no idea what awaited us. On January 7th we miscarried our first baby. It was one of the most painful experiences ever. It is sweet though to remember how my husband held my hand through it all, it brought us closer together. Shortly after in March we found out we were pregnant again, it hadn't sinked in yet when we miscarried again. It was heartbreaking, it made us question God a lot and even give up on the idea of having a baby for a while. It took us a couple of months to get back on our feet and even desire to keep trying. We weren't doing anything to avoid getting pregnant but we weren't actively trying either. Not until around July I think. It didn't happen for a couple of months. In September I decided to quit working at the Consulate. At the end of the month I suspected something was a bit off so I took a HPT: negative, oh well. A week went by and I still thought something was not normal, I took another HPT: POSITIVE! Our hearts were overjoyed. Now the waiting, waiting and praying this little one would stick, every cramp was a scare, thank God I didn't spot till week 12 I was still scared but the ultrasound kept showing a strong heartbeat as well as his intestins and liver being ourside. Another journey began, a journey of prayer, faith, and tears. This particular journey is not over yet, more on that in another post. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant, we are very excited as the day when we will meet our little boy approaches!

Our little cutie!

Growing!
That on the baby front.

At the end of October I stopped working at the Consulate to start my own business and a full time housewife. During the months and now years that Bruce has being working at CFA he's grown and advanced, now he is a manager and his income has doubled from the one he started with. He does a wonderful job planning and executing Family Nights and I love that I can come help him! His boss loves him and his bosse's family has adopted us, they are such a blessing!

In November 2011 we went to Miami to my friend Zully's wedding and on our babymoon.

Fishing!
We spent Christmas at home just the two of us, a very beautiful time just bonding and creating memories!

Our feast!
By the end of the year we had to move ones more and we found an apartment close to our old house, it's smaller but we ara making it work! My mom came to visit and help us move, I wouldn't have been able to pull it off without her.

Welcome to our new home!
This year we started house hunting and we're waiting to hear about an offer we put in on a house in February. I'm loving being a full time housewife, and teaching Spanish and English! It's been a hard last year and a half but it has only made us grow. It has been wonderful to have Bruce by my side every step of the way and I wouldn't have it any other way. He is the best for me and I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone.

Current family picture to follow, hopefully soon!



Wednesday, April 4, 2012

3 years into it... Part 1

Today is our 3rd year anniversary and to celebrate I want to do some reminiscing. Bruce and I were talking this morning and agreed on how fast time has gone by. It doesn't really feel like 3 years but at the same time we've shared so many things I think they are worth writing before we forget.

This is how it started:

You may kiss your bride!
Then off to our honeymoon, we spent a week in Cancun relaxing, enjoying and well you know doing what one does in a honeymoon ;):

Honeymooners dinner

In Jan 2009 Bruce had moved to Mexico City (where I was going to college) so we could get married. We found a tiny 1 bedroom apartment at walking distance from my school and really cheap. That was our very first home. We have so many memories of that little place, unfortunately we seem to have lost all the pictures. While living in that apt we added a member to our family, our ever faithful Booger:

He's brought lots chaos to our life but we love him!
We had our first Thanksgiving together which was a surprise for him, it was a good time:

First time carving the turkey as the
ma of the house!
 In December I graduated:

Cheers, with my college girls!
A couple of days later we got on a plane with 2 bags, 2 carry-ons, 2 personal items, and a dog on our way to California to spend the Holidays:

Happy Holidays 2009!

We spent the rest of the year in Cali and mid January we packed everything we owned in  the car God through my MIL blessed us with a we where on our way to Albuquerque, NM so I could do an internship at the Mexican Consulate here:

Yes, everything we owned fit in that little car!
Our first home in ABQ was a hotel room or 3. It didn't take us long to find a 1 bedroom apartment that we could afford which felt pretty big at the time:

No furniture at all!
 We filled it little by little and we barely spent any money in the process. God has always been faithful!:

The office

The diningroom

The entertainment center
In March, almost simultaneously I started my internship and Bruce found a job at what would become one of the bigget blessings in our life:

A very wonderful place!
This is how our family looked like in our first aniversary:
Cute little family
This will continue tomorrow...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Fearfully and wonderfully made

When we were about 11 or 12 weeks pregnant I started spotting, I freaked out a bit and on my next appointment (around week 13) the doctor ordered an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok. At the ultrasound there was baby perfect, beautiful, moving and with a heart beating away! I couldn't hold my tears in, it was beautiful!

isn't he gorgeous?

The technician went out to get the doctor and they found that it seemed like there was something going on. They sent us across the hall to the specialist, who performed another ultrasound. What was said at that time: baby's guts seem to be outside when they are supposed to be in by now. It was still early so they scheduled another ultrasound for 16 weeks.

We were not sure what to think, we cried, we prayed, we talked to friends and sought counsel. Doctors even mentioned terminating the pregnancy as an option, it made me sick! They also mentioned the amniocentesis test, we refused cuz there's a risk of miscarriage, not taking any chances! We started praying for a miracle!

A couple of weeks ago we went in for the 16 week ultrasound, not much progress. Baby's guts are still out, they cannot tell much yet we have to wait again. All that was said did not matter all I saw on that ultrasound was a perfect, precious baby, MY baby. The baby we LOVE with no condition, the one God sent for us to love, protect and welcome into our family. A marvelous blessing that put a big smile on my face every time I see him!

Perfect!
Ever since this journey started God has been faithful on filling me/us with His perfect peace. We and everybody around us are believing in a miracle. Believing that baby will be born perfect, with no need of surgery or a stay at the hospital. We trust that we will be able to bring him home with us after his birth. We believe and our hope is on the Lord! Now don't get me wrong that doesn't mean we're not scared. But God's sweet word keep coming to my mind and heart:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
Psalm 139


Our baby is fearfully and wonderfully made, because God's works are wonderful. We are in awe for His faithfulness and can't wait to see what He has in store for us and for our little one!

If you read me please join us in prayer!


God is able!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The first of the year

2012 started at full speed. The main event: a non expected or planned move! Moving is always a huge amount of work, from finding a new place to packing the small stuff to moving the big furniture it is a crazy process. This particular move was more than physically tiring it was emotionally draining.

As I told you here we found out we had to move mid-November. We were not ready for it, we were not expecting it and most of all we DID NOT want to move. We've been looking into buying but have not been ready and we had such a great deal at that house: price, location, and space. It was hard to wrap our heads around the fact that we had to move. We tried everything to stay there but it is not what God has for us anymore and you know how that goes.

We looked for weeks. Places were to small, too far, too expensive, too inconvenient or they wouldn't accept Booger and we are not about to part with him, he is such an important part of our family! We got tired, discouraged, and angry. We decided to take a break for the Holidays and resume our look after New Year, when we did Bruce found a little place right up the street from where we used to live.

We went to see it, he loved it, we applied for it and the next day we had a new place to live. It wasn't that easy for me though. You see I want a three bedroom house, with a yard and enough room to fit all our stuff. Is that too much to ask? Well apparently there's more important things that I need to learn and that God wants to take care of. I threw my fit but we had already gone through the application process and to tell the truth we did not have more time to be looking, we had a lot to do and not enough time.

I was really worried that our furniture would not fit in the smaller apartment. I had a bad attitude about the whole situation and I gave Bruce a hard time! He, as usual, confronted me, listened to me, forgave me and loved me unconditionally. He does such a good job at representing Jesus in my life, I love my man. Anyway, to make an already long story not so long everything fit and I love it! I was reminded of God's care for us (we can move any time as long as we give a 30 day notice which works perfect for our plans to buy, might be sooner than we think!). I was reminded that is not the building or its size that make a home it's the people that share live with me(as long as I get to wake up to my hot man, a growing belly and a happy dog I am home!). God touched my heart by sending my mom to help us with the move and bless us with stuff we have been wanting for a while (I would have never been able to pull off all the cleaning/moving/settling by myself, specially because I get so tired and there's a lot of heavy duty work that needed to be done). All these goodness out of one move! How do I ever second guess God's moves? There another lesson! He never stops amazing me!

Now the pictures, not that you care too much but this is sort of my family's diary.

New home

Welcome to our love nest

The kitchen with the island my love got for me

The zebra moved into the office
side of the kitchen, hey I needed
to make it work!

The office on the other side of the kitchen

Livingroom and the awesome rug mom got for us!

Dinning room, so happy it fit outside of the kitchen

Panrty and Booger's food station

Guest bathroom, my decor fits!

Bruce did a great job picking the curtain

The bookshelf we transformed

Our bed fit beautifully!

The fish had to go in our room, bye bye tv,
it will be good for us!

Cool looking master bathroom, love it!
Have I mentioned how much I love making a house feel like our home? I think it worked out pretty good and no matter how long we live here we will be comfortable and happy because we have each other! What a crazy time and how many valuable lessons!

Happy 2012!