"Be still and know that I am God"
Ever since Evan was conceived we've known that his life is sustained by his Creator. After two miscarriages, the first couple of weeks were scary, any slight cramping or discharge would make us wonder if everything was going to be OK. We held on to the quote above. Our pregnancy progressed and at week 12 we got news that something was not right. Read the story here.
A lot of things happened after that post. We've been to a million doctor's appointments and not only is their report the same but it has gotten worse. Every doctor we talk to has a different story, they range from everything will be OK all Evan needs is surgery to he's not growing so he could not survive long enough, and everything in between. Needless to say I'm over their reports and opinions!
Two ultrasounds ago the doctor freaked out because Evan is behind in growth and wanted to admit me right there and then, she didn't even know what for but that was her great solution! Instead of that we agreed to monitor him twice a week. About a week later we had an app with the OB and he said he didn't see the point on monitoring that closely because delivering early will not benefit anyone. Bottom line he's better off inside than outside. That for us represented both, a wake up call and a relief. Wake up call: doctors are not always right and we can use our brain and decide what we think is best for our baby. Relief: we don't have to spend every waking hour at the hospital with doctors and monitors, which, don't get me wrong, I would do a thousand times if that would do my son any good but it doesn't.
When we got out of that last appointment we had a lot of feelings. It was tough to hear the doctors give up on Evan by stating he won't survive. I cried, of course. At the same time I experienced a peace that can only come from my Father. It was as though He was saying "Evan is mine. He is in MY hands. No one else can do anything for him but ME. Know that I am his God." As hard as it has been to surrender our baby boy to God I don't think we've never experienced such peace and joy. We can laugh, and plan, and enjoy.
In very simple words, the doctors can't predict the outcome, they cannot give us a real diagnosis, they can't fix him right now, they can't give us any comfort or answers, they can't see the One who is sustaining our sons life. We, well we can't do ANYTHING other than pray, believe, and love the fruit of our love. Love him so much that we give him back to the One who made him. Love him so much that we cry and hurt and wait. Wait in our God who renews our strength. Wait with expectation of what we know HE is able to do. Wait on a miracle knowing that there is NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM.
Complete and absolute dependence on other than yourself is not fun. But when that other is the Creator, the Prince of Peace, the Healer, the Savior, the Redeemer, the Giver of life, the Comforter...well your life could not be in better hands even if it's no fun!
We cannot see the whole picture, our vision is blured by tears and feelings but HE sees everything and He is carrying us through this valley becase HE is GOD indeed!
|Can't wait to hold you little man!|
BTW I am 32 weeks pregnant and our little warrior's heart is beating as strong as ever and he is kicking and pushing and punching ad though saying "I ain't going anywhere!".