God's surprise

Who doesn't like a good surprise!? I know there are people that don't but I've always loved surprises. I like when someone loves me enough to take the time and effort to put together a surprise. I've received many surprises in life, some more pleasant than others and some bigger than others. 

The one I am going to tell you about is the biggest surprise I could ever receive and also the best! It was/is being orchestrated by God, who could ever love me more than my God? Anyway, without further ado...

Can you see it?

Just in case you have the same facial expression as Ethan does let me clarify:

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!

Our 5th baby is in the oven. If you've read pretty much any of my previous posts you know that pregnancy is not the happiest place on earth for me. As happy and excited as I am there is always the lingering question: will I get to hold and bring home this baby? Having had a positive outcome with my last pregnancy I am not as nervous this time around but there are a million "what ifs" crossing my mind at any given time. 

It is a time of choosing to trust God every day no matter what comes and deciding to love this baby and enjoy this pregnancy (as much as I can with a 7-month-old wiggling around at home). 

Isn't it the best surprise ever? For the first time we were not seeking it, or trying or doing ovulation tests or even paying attention to the calendar and BOOM it happened! Deep in my heart I was kind of hoping it would happen like this for once so I am very very thankful and looking forward to holding this little one in September! 

It might take a huge belly for it to completely sink in though, it's weird to be thinking about another baby when it feels like you just had a baby yesterday. We're in for some exciting times around here!

What is the best surprise you've ever received?

A plea for the unborn

I know there is a lot of controversy regarding abortion. When does life start? Is it really murder? Don’t I (the mother) get to have a choice over my own body? Is what’s or who’s in my womb a real person? A fetus can’t feel or can they? I don’t want to get into a technical discussion, although I will say just for the record, that I believe with all my heart that life starts at conception and from that moment on we should value, cherish, and protect it NO MATTER WHAT! “That’s easier said than done” you might say. Let me tell you my story.

I write this with no intention to condemn but with the hope that my story will inspire and bless whoever reads it. We lost two precious babies due to miscarriage before we found ourselves pregnant with our sweet Evan Matthew. At our 12 week ultrasound we found out there was something going on with our boy’s body. They couldn’t see exactly what it was but it looked like his intestines hadn’t traveled back inside when they should have. Hearing this made my heart sink to my stomach. As you can imagine we were given the option to terminate the pregnancy which for us WAS NOT AN OPTION. Needless to say we were given this option suggestion every time we had and appointment even though we declined EVERY time.

From then on we prayed and prayed, our friends and family prayed and prayed. We knew we were going to carry OUR baby to term NO MATTER WHAT. We didn’t know what would happen, every ultrasound we hoped to hear that everything was fine and that we didn’t have to worry anymore but that never happened. It was a very difficult time and doctors didn’t make it any easier but we pulled through. Our Evan Matthew passed away in my womb at 37 weeks. It wasn’t what we wanted or what we expected but today I can proudly say I fought for my baby. We knew it was our responsibility. We knew he deserved a chance. We believed that there was a chance the doctors were wrong. More so we know our God has the power to heal him. Who are we to do anything other than protect his life however short it would be?

Also let me tell you something, holding him in my arms was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I LOVE him so much I would not be the same without my Evan and I am at peace knowing that my baby knew his mom and daddy love him.

So as you can see choosing life was NOT easy although not choosing life was never an option for us. I know full well the fear and pain a situation like this can bring but abortion would have only added guilt and more pain to the mix. Today we know that we took care of our son to the best of our knowledge and ability with God’s help. It is our responsibility as human beings to defend our own no matter how small or sick they might be, actually allow me to rephrase that we MUST defend our own WHEN and BECAUSE they are small and sick. We DON’T get to dispose of a HUMAN LIFE because it doesn’t meet the standards we have set.

If you think you are out of options think again, there are many couples willing to adopt and love children; couples that can’t have babies of their own, couples that have a mission to love and care for special needs children. If you think you can’t take care of your unborn baby for any reason look for a family that will and give them both a chance! 

The way I feel right now

Ever since I remember I've wanted 4 kids. When I met my husband that was one of the things we had in common. 4 is his magic number as well. That was before we ever knew how hard it can be to bring kids into this world and I'm not referring to labor and delivery or the financial side of it. In November 2010 we found out we were pregnant for the first time and it wasn't until June 2013 that we got to take a healthy baby boy home after 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth. So you see my point.

After Evan was born it didn't take long for us to want to try again, we just wanted a baby so bad! I got pregnant 5 months later and the whole time Bruce would kind of joke "hurry up so we can get another one in there!". I felt the same way, "let's get this baby out so we can get more!". Ethan was a c-section so we have to wait to avoid complications but during this time that I have been focused on our son rather than getting pregnant many other thoughts and feelings have crossed my mind.

For a while I thought we've paid our dues, for sure we won't have any more difficult pregnancies. However, recently I've been following a blog of a lady that lost her twins at 19 weeks and a year later lost her baby boy which of course they did not expect and another lady from a blog I follow just had a miscarriage after many others and a stillbirth. This makes me feel like there is no reassurance of no more heartbreak. Any of it could happen again and I would survive, I know I would but the heartbreak, that, is something I would rather never experience again.

I am in no way ready to be done but there is a part of me that thinks "we got what we wanted, we have a perfectly healthy, easy, and gorgeous baby boy why get ourselves into more potential heartbreak?". One look at Ethan makes all the anxiety and worry during pregnancy more than worth it. I would do it again in a heart beat if only I could know that everything will be OK but I can't know that so I'll leave it to God. He knows what I don't and he will get us through whatever comes just as He has before. 

Our VERY Happy Valentine's Day

Yesterday was a VERY special day. Valentine's is normally not a huge day for us, I mean we do try to have a special dinner or get a little something for each other but it's just not big like Christmas or birthdays. Anyway, yesterday was different, it was a day we both had been looking forward to for about a month. As I said before it was the day after I passed the 20 week mark and when we had an ultrasound scheduled to find out if we're having a little boy or a little lady!

Before I make the big announcement I want to recap our day just because this is sort of our family's diary. If you can't wait or just don't want to read the whole thing feel free to scroll down and enjoy the news!

The day started at about 7:30am maybe earlier. I've been having trouble sleeping so I was up at 6:30 a few minutes later my Valentine got up and left the room so I turned on the movie I didn't finish watching the night before (Ocean's 13, can I just say I love those movies). Bruce came back to the room with a plate of strawberries and Nutella which is my favorite thing on earth right now. All I've been eating for breakfast the past month or so is this delicious idea I found on Pinterest:

Source here

Before you judge me I'm aware it's not the healthiest ever but I use whole grain bread, and I like to tell myself that baby needs carbs (bread), fat (nutella), protein (eggs), and fruit (strawberries) so if you think about it is a pretty balanced breakfast right? rigth? ok maybe not but I LOVE IT!

Anyway, he brought the french toast later with a huge Valentine's balloon

He left the room again and came back with a bottle of chocolate milk. This was sognificant because when we met in Brazil and then were in Chile togehter that's how he would let me know he had been thinking of me!

He left the room one more time and returned with this gorgeous orchid that makes me smile every time I look at it!:

After the movie it was time to get ready and get to our appointment. If you've read some of our story you know that our biggest concern wasn't the sex of our baby but what could be wrong. All kinds of worrisome thoughts crossed our minds during the days leading to yesterday, however when we went into the ultrasound room there was peace.

Bruce was convinced it's a girl and I wanted a boy... are you ready for the news. Let me say first that all of our concerns and worries were cleared. Every organ looks good and is working in perfect order. The heart is perfect and beating at 147 bpm. All the measurements are what they are supposed to beand our due date of July 3rd was confirmed! Are you ready now?

Ok without further ado I give you the big announcement:

Yes, Mr. Evan Matthew is having a baby brother!

For our Spanish speaking family!

We are beyond excited for our little man! I am thankful that God heard and gave me the desire of my heart and I am thrilled that in a few months I will be holding my dear son on this side of Heaven! After the appointment the news were of setting in. The news that we're having a boy, that he's healthy, that we will actually be holding a living baby very soon, that ou life is about to change even more for real! For the first time in a very long time we felt free to be excited, to plan, to talk about the future, to shop for baby, and to get ready for what is coming! It was so liberating and even today sharing the news with our friends and family the day was bright and beautiful.

What a wonderful Valentine's Day, it is one that will be hard to top but I don't have a problem with that and I'm sure Bruce doesn't either!

In His hands

"Be still and know that I am God"

Ever since Evan was conceived we've known that his life is sustained by his Creator. After two miscarriages, the first couple of weeks were scary, any slight cramping or discharge would make us wonder if everything was going to be OK. We held on to the quote above. Our pregnancy progressed and at week 12 we got news that something was not right. Read the story here.

A lot of things happened after that post. We've been to a million doctor's appointments and not only is their report the same but it has gotten worse. Every doctor we talk to has a different story, they range from everything will be OK all Evan needs is surgery to he's not growing so he could not survive long enough, and everything in between. Needless to say I'm over their reports and opinions!

Two ultrasounds ago the doctor freaked out because Evan is behind in growth and wanted to admit me right there and then, she didn't even know what for but that was her great solution! Instead of that we agreed to monitor him twice a week. About a week later we had an app with the OB and he said he didn't see the point on monitoring that closely because delivering early will not benefit anyone. Bottom line he's better off inside than outside. That for us represented both, a wake up call and a relief. Wake up call: doctors are not always right and we can use our brain and decide what we think is best for our baby. Relief: we don't have to spend every waking hour at the hospital with doctors and monitors, which, don't get me wrong, I would do a thousand times if that would do my son any good but it doesn't.

When we got out of that last appointment we had a lot of feelings. It was tough to hear the doctors give up on Evan by stating he won't survive. I cried, of course. At the same time I experienced a peace that can only come from my Father. It was as though He was saying "Evan is mine. He is in MY hands. No one else can do anything for him but ME. Know that I am his God." As hard as it has been to surrender our baby boy to God I don't think we've never experienced such peace and joy. We can laugh, and plan, and enjoy.

In very simple words, the doctors can't predict the outcome, they cannot give us a real diagnosis, they can't fix him right now, they can't give us any comfort or answers, they can't see the One who is sustaining our sons life. We, well we can't do ANYTHING other than pray, believe, and love the fruit of our love. Love him so much that we give him back to the One who made him. Love him so much that we cry and hurt and wait. Wait in our God who renews our strength. Wait with expectation of what we know HE is able to do. Wait on a miracle knowing that there is NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM.

Complete and absolute dependence on other than yourself is not fun. But when that other is the Creator, the Prince of Peace, the Healer, the Savior, the Redeemer, the Giver of life, the Comforter...well your life could not be in better hands even if it's no fun!

We cannot see the whole picture, our vision is blured by tears and feelings but HE sees everything and He is carrying us through this valley becase HE is GOD indeed!

Can't wait to hold you little man!

BTW I am 32 weeks pregnant and our little warrior's heart is beating as strong as ever and he is kicking and pushing and punching ad though saying "I ain't going anywhere!".

Dear time,

I would really really really appreciate if for just this next week and a half you could pass by a little faster! What? You want to know why? Well you see, there is a VERY GOOD possibility that I could be pregnant. It's too early for symptoms and I don't want to pee on a stick before I actually miss my period which is not for another week and a half. I know I have been selfish in thinking that I don't want to have a baby right now and stuff but the truth is I'm getting anxious! I want to know! And I know I would love it if I were! I know everything is in God's hands and it's ok if I'm not but this waiting time is not my favorite.

Now I have to confess I am a little nervous because once I find out, if I AM pregnant then I will want the first three months to go by fast just to be sure that I won't loose this one but nothing is for sure anyway so I guess I will just turn to the one that holds my life in His hands and rest in the knowledge that He is in control over every single thing that happens in my life.

So time: take your time because He is in control of you too and He is never early and never late!

Sincerely,

Me.