Thursday, June 30, 2011

I think I might.... getting there...

...It has been a rough first part of the year. Loosing two babies led to grief, tears and despair. It sounds like a long time ago but I am just now starting to feel normal again. Everything happened so fast, I don't think I had time to recover from the first loss when I was pregnant again and a week later had lost another baby. It hit me hard. Lots of questions, lots of righteous questions (why ME?/ I've been sooo good/why do I have to loose babies when there's other 'non-deserving' people pregnant out there/why everybody seems to be pregnant right now when I'm hurting so much)I think I wanted the world to stop and I didn't want anybody else to be pregnant! (Don't judge me I know all these thoughts were/are wrong, don't think God hasn't spoken to me about it, and I'm working on changing it).

I've feared. I've closed up. I've mourned. Less and less everyday and more silently. Sometimes I think "I would have a huge tummy right now", "We would be preparing for the arrival of baby Coy #1", "How would it be?". It hurts to think all this and I try not to entertain those thoughts too long.

I went from being afraid of getting pregnant and loosing a baby again to being afraid of staying pregnant and what comes next. In part selfishly (I don't want to give up my comfortable life for someone that will be completely dependent upon me) and in part because I wasn't still am not sure I am capable of raising a life of my own. How could I if I feel so broken? I think I hit rock bottom when I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted kids anymore, wait, but that's been a life-long dream of mine, how did this happen? I wasn't going to let anything or anyone steal this from me!

God has been faithful (shocking, NOT!). I've been praying and giving it all to him. All my feelings, my fears, my wounds, my desires, everything. I've been being honest with myself. I've been asking God to put His dreams back in my heart. And today I am happy to say that I, for the very first time in the last couple of months, feel a bit of a desire to get pregnant again. I wan to try again! I will not let the trials I've gone through stop me. I have the King of Kings on my side. He defeated death on the cross so who am I to let death stop me from accomplishing the dreams He put in my heart. I WILL hold my children on this earth and I WILL meet my babies in HEAVEN. They are alive and well, dancing before the throne of God, taking walks with Jesus and sitting on his lap (I could not offer anything better than that!), so:

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"
1 Corinthians 15:55

I will not let you paralyze me anymore or scare me. God will fulfill His plans for me and I am not going to stop Him by listening to the bs the master liar wants me to believe.

Maybe we'll get good news soon!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

New shoes!

So today besides having a lovely date day with Bruce, I got new shoes!

Love 'em!

A while ago I decided to start working out and I have been doing it on and off for the last 6 months or so but between pregnancies, visits, trips and laziness, well let's just say I haven't been as faithful as I should.

Truth is I didn't know what a good work out would be since I want to loose weight and I am completely out of shape. So what I've been doing is walk for about an hour every other day or so. I don't think I have done it long enough to know if it works or not but I didn't know what else  to do. Anyway, last week I read this post and there it was!

The perfect way to go from the couch to 5k in 9 weeks! I can do 9 weeks! However, I had one little problem: no appropriate shoes for running. So today we took care of that problem and now I am looking forward to starting my training! Maybe I will run a half marathon or two for a good cause as some ladies are doing. For now I will take one day at a time and hope to make it all the way  to week 9. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

If you've lost a baby... most definitely want to read this book! Specially the chapter titled "I have two sisters". I don't want to ruin it for anybody so I won't say more than I need to. The book is about a kid that went to Heaven during a surgery that saved his life. In Heaven he not only met Jesus and his cousin John, but he also met a girl that wouldn't stop kissing and hugging him. This little girl was the baby his mom miscarried before he was born. A girl he didn't know about and who he wouldn't have recognized if it weren't because she looked like their older sister and because she told him she had died in their mom's tummy. Reading how Colton describes his meeting with his sister in Heaven brought tears to my eyes and a whole new meaning to the concept I had of people going to Heaven.

I've lost two babies in the past 6 months and recently A (SIL) lost hers, and although I know in my head that all three of them are in heaven it has never been as real to me as it is now after reading this book. Now I have new hope, something new to look forward to. Now I know that they are in heaven together, that most likely they play together and they know each other! I look forward to meeting them in heaven and knowing if they are boys or girls. To see how beautiful they are, to hug them and play with them.

I know I still have a lot to live for, don't get me wrong, I don't want to die yet. And although I am at a weird place right now regarding getting pregnant and having children I do want to live to see the fruit(s) of our love.

So if you've lost a baby or anybody you love I would widely recommend that you read this book. I don't remember the last time I read a book in 2 days, it is THAT good! I hope it blesses you as much as it blessed me.

Visitors and a broken pump

On Friday 10th I got out of work and drove home to find a full house. G (MIL), B (DIL), KL (SIL) and T (BIL) were already home. I was so good to see them after almosta a year. After driving 14 hours they were all passed out in the livingroom. We talked for a while, made dinner and we all sat and ate. Everybody went to bed early.

On Saturday we went to the flea market, that was a quick trip since the guys were done and the heat was beating on us. Then we went to pick up some more gorceries (not that we didn't have enough). When we got home that day B got a stainless steel pot set out of the car, it was my anniversary present from them! Oh how I wanted one of those, I love it and I love them! God keeps surprising me with the smallest details.

That night after dinner water slowly stopped flowing through our faucets! Catastrophe: We didn't have water to shower or wash dishes and we had visitors! Thankfully the company we are leasing from (BNM) is amazing so they immediately sent TLC to our house to fix the problem. Which they didn't but the guy that came managed to destroy our fence. Somehow his truck got caught on the side of the fence and he pulled it. Needless to say Bruce worked for weeks to put that fence up by himself, so he was pissed. So on top of not fixing the problem we already had they created another problem.

On Sunday we all went to church, then out for lunch and then the girls went shopping and the guys... I don't really know what the guys did. By Monday morning we still didn't have any water. So BNM offered to pay a night at a hotel, which we gladly accepted. We all went over there to take showers and only B slept there. On Tuesday no water yet. BNM paid for another night at a hotel but this time we didn't go for the cheap one we got a room ate the Radisson (which where we live has a water park). So we put on out swimming wear and headed there for an evening of water fun. God works things out in amazing ways!

On Wednesday the real useful pump (our water comes from a well) came in and in three hours it was fixed. Blessed running water! The only down side to it all is that we had to front all the money for useless TLC (that charged an outrageous amount of money for doing nothing and wrecking our fence) and the hotel rooms, so now we're waiting on BNM to send us a check.

Thursday was the last day they were going to be in town, Bruce had to work and B wanted to wander around town and buy a bicycle. So us girls and T went to the aquarium, the botanical garden and out for lunch. Around 7pm Bruce was out of work and since we wanted to celebrate fathers' day ahead we all went out for late dinner to a fancy seafood restaurant. We had a lovely evening!

Friday Bruce went into work at 5.45am and our guests headed back home at 6am. I suffered a major case of empty-nest which mught have led to a little bit of a meltdown but my good Lord conforted me and I was good for the rest of the day. I ran errands and  by 6pm I was in bed not to wake up until 9am next morning. It was a very blessed week! There is no doubt that THAT IS LIFE, the rest is what you do to be able to afford life, right?

Thursday, June 9, 2011


So today I was very bored at work and I started browsing through blogger to see if I could find more interesting people to read about (I do this more than I care to confess). Anyway I came across this blog and I just couldn't stop reading!

I've always known that I wanted to be a stay-at-home wife/mom but it never occurred to me that this desire could be more than a wish to not have to wake up every morning and go to an office for 8 hours. For a while now I just thought of myself as a passionless woman that just wanted to stay home and sleep or watch tv all day because no office job sounds attractive to me. Now even when this does sound appealing I don't think Bruce would love this idea and to be honest I don't think I could do that for too long I think it would drain the life out of me as much as my 9-5 job does.

I've been working 9-5 over the past year and although it has been great for our finances (we have been able to live a very comfortable life) and for me, in a way, (I really wouldn't have as much house work to do to keep me busy all day every day); it is not at all what I see myself doing for the rest of my days, gosh no! I think I would die slowly.

Reading the blog I mentioned above shined a whole new light on my desire. It is a God-given desire! He made me that way! He created me so I would want to be a better wife for my husband, have a clean and pretty house, plan, shop and cook meals, be there to see my kids' milestones, raise them and love on them! That's why I've never had passion for the work place or any career in particular.

Now I do have a plan to keep being productive. I am an interpreter and translator and that opens a world of possibilities for me to work from home at least while we don't have kids. I have already given the first steps back home (long story) so I'm praying I will be back home in a couple of months!

Thank you God for the many ways you use to speak to me!

Monday, June 6, 2011

My job is a delight (NOT!)...but it has it's bright side!

I cannot begin to desribe how traped I feel at my job. I just wasn't born for a 9-5 office job. I hate the nonsense, I hate the impracticality (is that a word?) anyway I am in the process of getting my residency so I can start my own business and work form home, yey exciting! I know it might not be as easy as it sounds but I am sure that I will enjoy it a ton more!

One good thing about my job though is paid vacation. I get 4 weeks a year! And I'm taking some time off next week. Mom and Dad in-law are coming to town, so exciting! I can't believe we haven't seen them in over a year! Lots of fun planned for the week bbq, the zoo, the aquarium, the great Sandia Mountain, maybe some girl time out, some shopping (I love shopping with my father-in-law Bob, aka Bargain Bob) if there is a bargain he will find it even if he doesn't need whatever it is that is for sale but it is hilarious to see him go around the stores looking for underprized treasures.

Can't wait till they get here and we have some family time!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Camp: I survived!

I'm back. Burned. Tired. Sore. But back and alive! My first real camping experience was a blast. We left on Saturday morning stopped at McD's for breakfast (because I totally left the pb&j and nutella sandwiches I made on the counter) and coffee. Then a quick stop at Walmart and off we went. After 1.5 hours or so driving we made it to the camp site. It was pretty full and we found a cramped little place and started unpacking.

Firs camp site
 As we started unpacking we noticed we hadn't brought the poles for our tent (thruth is our friend William borrowed the tent from his parent and the poles were not in the bag). Anyway we did bring a rope and that saved the day. We unpacked set up the tents and got in the car to head to town to get some stuff we needed. As we drove down the road the guys spotted the perfect camping site. Two tables together, a fire pit and tons of room for our tent. We decided it was worth it to go get all the stuff and bring it to this new perfect spot.

How we made the tent work with a rope
So I stayed saving our new finding while the guys went to get all our stuff. We settled on our new place and headed down to town. There was a beautiful river running right beside the road. When we came back the camp host told us that there was a pack of does close by. We went to see them and took some pictures. When it got late we started the fire as we chilled there and talked till 2 am. Next morning we went hiking -talk about a good work out- I realized I'm completely out of shape! Need to work on that ~sigh~. The view at the top of the mountain was absolutely worth the hike.

Our visitors

Happy campers!

The view from the top of the mountain

The fire

On Monday we went rafting (yes you guessed, my first time). I had a blast! It was windy and you know how wind and wet well it's not the best combination but I was having such a good time I didn't even notice. We went down some rapids and the best was to see Bruce smiling back at me as if saying "that's my girl!" (sometimes I do tough or adventurous things just to see that smile). After our rafting adventure we headed back home. We went home and cleaned up, oh blessed hot shower how I missed you!