Saturday, January 31, 2015

I've been pondering...

The other day I saw something on a friend's Facebook page that made me think a lot. She has gone through quite a bit of loss and she posted that she was having one of those days in which you just miss what you've lost. I can totally relate! She also said that when we mourn we tend to paint a picture in our heads about what would have been. Of course, that picture is always better than our reality or at the very least it is a good picture. However there is no way to know that if such and such hadn't/had happened then our life would be better (or as good as we picture it in our dreams).

This is how this reflection applies to me: When I think of Evan I think what he would be like now. I wonder how he would be with his brothers. I imagine our big family of 5 enjoying life all together. I get tired just thinking how crazy it would be to have two toddlers and a baby. I think that I would be able to say that I have 3 under 3. You get the picture. HOWEVER... and this is where my friend's reflection made me think differently... what if life were completely different to what I imagine.

What if Evan had been healthy or healed on this Earth? Maybe our view on having babies wouldn't have changed. Maybe we would have waited longer to have another baby. Maybe Jason wouldn't be here, maybe even Ethan wouldn't be here! 

What if Evan would have lived with the health challenges that we knew he had? We would have spent hours upon hours in the hospital with him. He would have had surgery(ies). We would have been too worried, concerned and busy to even think about getting pregnant again. Maybe that experience would have made us too afraid to even have more kids. We would be missing out on our Ethan and Jason!!! 

My heart breaks when I think of that. Granted we wouldn't know what we would be missing but now that we know the thought of it is almost unbearable! Nothing says that if Evan had lived our life would be exactly as it is + him. Maybe our story would be completely different. 

Now, this doesn't make me miss my baby any less but it does make me want to enjoy my boys a lot more. It makes me want to cherish the good times and work through the hard ones. It makes me want to live life here and now. It makes me want to create memories every chance I get. It makes me proud, happy, and thankful that I have my Evan in Heaven and my Ethan and Jason in my arms.

I won't say that I wouldn't change a thing because, if I had a choice, I would choose to have all 3 right here with me. That is just the honest truth, but knowing what I know now I can accept and intentionally enjoy the life I do have!

Saturday, January 17, 2015

My phrase {2015}

I'm not sure if I've shared this before but ever since 2012 instead of New Year's resolutions I come up with a phrase to live by throughout the year and that hopefully will stick forever. I personally like it better because instead of remembering my years by the resolutions I failed to stick to I have a phrase that gives meaning to them. Not that there's anything wrong with setting goals and working to accomplish them, it's just my personal preference for the beginning of the year.

With everything we were going through in 2012 "Trust and be Thankful" were the words that resonated in my heart. So much so that it was the phrase I held on to for 2 years. 2014 brought the calm after a couple of stormy years "Relax and Enjoy" marked that year. We had spent so much time longing to have a baby in our arms and the time was finally here so I made it a point to soak up every moment, every challenge, every milestone. There was so much to enjoy in 2014. My growing baby and my grown belly. When we found our I was pregnant again I wanted to take advantage of the sweet time Ethan and I were sharing (just us) because I knew that would soon change forever. It was a good year!

For 2015 I chose "Here and Now". We're only a few days into the year and I've already thought of many ways in which I want to apply this. I really hope that at the end of the year I can say I was present in my life. I don't want to spend my time wondering what my life would be if Evan had lived. I don't want to spend my time wishing for more babies. My reality right here, right now is that I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful boys in my arms. I don't want to miss any of what God has in store for us. I don't know what life would be if... I don't know what life will be when... All I know is what life is like right now and if I'm honest with you it is pretty awesome!

I have the privilege of being provided for. I have the luxury of staying home with my boys. I get to watch them grow every day. I go to bed at the end of the day next to my best friend. We have family, friends and friends that are family close and far. We have more material things than we know what to do with. There's food on our table, in our fridge and in our pantry and these are only a handful of things off the top of my head.

This is just the tip of the iceberg regarding what I know this year's phrase will teach me. Looking forward to discovering more!

What about you? Do you have resolutions or a phrase or maybe a word for this year? I'd like to know if you'd like to share!