Sunday, May 25, 2014

Big boy's mama

Ethan will be 11 months on Tuesday, I know right? How is that possible if he was born just yesterday???!!! 

Since I am pregnant and due in September we had to start the weaning process earlier than we had originally planned. My doctor talked to me about the risk of contractions while breastfeeding. Since I don't have a history of preterm labor and I haven't had contractions she said I could continue to breastfeed as long as that continued to be the case. We discussed that further along in the pregnancy contractions are more likely to happen. I wanted to be prepared and not have to wean him cold turkey if anything happened.

We started about a month ago taking all the breastfeeding sessions during the day. It was a breeze, it was a little bittersweet that he didn't even seem to notice. I guess he was ready for it. The first couple of days he would  "attack" me when I was close but other than that he was fine.

The plan was for Bruce to start doing the night feeding at 11 months and then the morning one at 12 months. However today went differently. Ethan woke up at 7:30 am, Bruce got him and brought him into our room. I thought he would for sure go for his milk right away but he was content playing. We decided to give him his sippy cup and see how he did. He drank about half and was fine after that. Again, he didn't seem to notice!

Tonight, Bruce suggested we just kept on with the theme and he fed him his night milk. When I started writing this post I was sitting on the couch hiding. Bruce came out and Ethan made a little noise but right now he seems to be asleep so, so far so good. My baby is growing into a big boy. Now I wonder if I can grow into a big boy's mama and be OK with that little bit of his babyhood been gone. It has, after all, been something we've shared for 11 months! 

Grow on my sweet boy, your mama will be OK!

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Two years

Today is our Evan's second Heaven Birthday.

Two years ago today we held his little body in our arms in what was one of the most bittersweet days of my life. If you would like to read the full story you can go to the label with his name.

As you can imagine I miss him terribly and it hurts. My heart wishes I had been planning a birthday party instead of wondering how this day was going to go. Last year although I was already pregnant with Ethan being sad seemed like the most natural thing. After all it had only been a year and my arms were still empty.

This year felt different. In the days leading up to today I wondered how I was going to feel and more so how I was supposed to feel. It has been two years, I have my almost 11-month-old Ethan and am 5 months pregnant with our 3rd baby boy. So I should probably be focusing on my blessings, right?

I do, most of the time I do, but it's not like any of my boys will ever take my Evan's place in our family or in our heart. I still miss him. It's still hard. My heart still hurts and tears still roll down my cheeks.

Today I felt lost. It felt like it shouldn't be just another normal day but at the same time we are not throwing a birthday party and he is not here for us to make him feel special. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to feel?

I'm not sure. I do know I don't want to forget. I don't want it to feel like I'm forgetting. I don't want the world to forget. It is a very strange feeling and at times very confusing. I feel the need to be sad so I remember him. I need to cry to show he's still in my heart and mind.

I love you baby and I miss you more than words can express!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

It is a...

We've known for a couple of weeks now. We had our 20 week ultrasound on May 5th, we were 19 weeks 6 days and that's exactly what baby measured. I'm not sure what that says about this baby but none of my kids before had measure so exactly. Anyway, I think it would have been really difficult to hide it if we didn't want to find out. It was pretty obvious and we are super excited. We are having... 

... another boy!!! Everybody was rooting for a girl. There are no girls on my husbands side of the family and only 1 girl on mine but not this time. We couldn't be happier. Bruce says we make boys, so far he's right. 3 boys and counting!

Not only are we happy because this will save us a ton of money (we pretty much have everything for baby) but also because Ethan is getting a partner in crime. We pray they will grow close together and be the best of friends although he doesn't really know what is going on right now. 

I am also secretly happy that I remain the only girl and that I get to be loved by yet another guy. I love my boys, big and small!!!

I gotta go now one of them just woke up from his nap.