Two years

Today is our Evan's second Heaven Birthday.

Two years ago today we held his little body in our arms in what was one of the most bittersweet days of my life. If you would like to read the full story you can go to the label with his name.

As you can imagine I miss him terribly and it hurts. My heart wishes I had been planning a birthday party instead of wondering how this day was going to go. Last year although I was already pregnant with Ethan being sad seemed like the most natural thing. After all it had only been a year and my arms were still empty.

This year felt different. In the days leading up to today I wondered how I was going to feel and more so how I was supposed to feel. It has been two years, I have my almost 11-month-old Ethan and am 5 months pregnant with our 3rd baby boy. So I should probably be focusing on my blessings, right?

I do, most of the time I do, but it's not like any of my boys will ever take my Evan's place in our family or in our heart. I still miss him. It's still hard. My heart still hurts and tears still roll down my cheeks.

Today I felt lost. It felt like it shouldn't be just another normal day but at the same time we are not throwing a birthday party and he is not here for us to make him feel special. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to feel?

I'm not sure. I do know I don't want to forget. I don't want it to feel like I'm forgetting. I don't want the world to forget. It is a very strange feeling and at times very confusing. I feel the need to be sad so I remember him. I need to cry to show he's still in my heart and mind.

I love you baby and I miss you more than words can express!