These mixed feelings

Tomorrow my baby will be 5 months old, I read it and know it but it's still hard to believe! I know EVERY mom says this but I'll say it anyway: they grow SO fast! I look at him and wonder where did my newborn go? I understand that he has been growing since the moment he was conceived but this past couple of weeks it has been so much more evident. Last Monday I looked at him and saw something different. He did not look like my tiny new baby anymore. I saw an older boy looking back at me, not just in size but there was something about his face that looked all "grown up"!  

Yesterday at around 3 pm he woke up from nap time screaming bloody murder, which is totally unlike him. I couldn't figure out what was wrong and teething didn't even cross my mind. Later at bath time I felt his first little tooth coming through, besides the guilt for not having any idea that that was what was bothering my boy I felt so many mixed feelings! Also he started using stage 3 diapers and hes has finally crossed that stage into 6 month clothes. For a few weeks now he has been right where 3m clothes are kind of snug but still fit and 6m clothes fit but are a tad big. Well no more, 3m clothes don't fit anymore!  It all seems to be happening at the same time. Also yesterday he started trying to turn from back to front. He has only turned from front to back twice but he's already trying! 

Growing so fast!

After we lost Evan and reading FB updates that said "my baby is growing so fast and I want to cry!" or "I'm a little sad my baby reached this or that milestone" it would make me angry. I would think how can you be sad that your baby is growing? At least he IS growing! Be thankful for that! I will never see my baby grow, he will never reach milestones, he will never do any of the things your baby is doing, just be happy! I would give ANYTHING to see my boy do what yours is doing! 

Now that we have Ethan I get it. Those moms don't mean anything bad by that, they are not being negative and they are thankful. I see my son so happy and healthy. He was tiny for what seemed like the blink of an eye and I'm sure every stage will seem that way once it's gone. When he leaves behind a size in diapers or clothes, when he turns over or discovers how to use his hands there's a part of me that is proud and happy beyond believe that my baby is healthy but there is always this little part of me that wants to cry because a little piece of my baby slips away with every milestone. It's not easy but I want to make it a point to spend time soaking him in at every stage. Making memories and watching him grow strong. This makes me want to be present making his every stage the best that it can be!

I love you Ethan, keep on growing son!

The way I feel right now

Ever since I remember I've wanted 4 kids. When I met my husband that was one of the things we had in common. 4 is his magic number as well. That was before we ever knew how hard it can be to bring kids into this world and I'm not referring to labor and delivery or the financial side of it. In November 2010 we found out we were pregnant for the first time and it wasn't until June 2013 that we got to take a healthy baby boy home after 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth. So you see my point.

After Evan was born it didn't take long for us to want to try again, we just wanted a baby so bad! I got pregnant 5 months later and the whole time Bruce would kind of joke "hurry up so we can get another one in there!". I felt the same way, "let's get this baby out so we can get more!". Ethan was a c-section so we have to wait to avoid complications but during this time that I have been focused on our son rather than getting pregnant many other thoughts and feelings have crossed my mind.

For a while I thought we've paid our dues, for sure we won't have any more difficult pregnancies. However, recently I've been following a blog of a lady that lost her twins at 19 weeks and a year later lost her baby boy which of course they did not expect and another lady from a blog I follow just had a miscarriage after many others and a stillbirth. This makes me feel like there is no reassurance of no more heartbreak. Any of it could happen again and I would survive, I know I would but the heartbreak, that, is something I would rather never experience again.

I am in no way ready to be done but there is a part of me that thinks "we got what we wanted, we have a perfectly healthy, easy, and gorgeous baby boy why get ourselves into more potential heartbreak?". One look at Ethan makes all the anxiety and worry during pregnancy more than worth it. I would do it again in a heart beat if only I could know that everything will be OK but I can't know that so I'll leave it to God. He knows what I don't and he will get us through whatever comes just as He has before. 

Today...

It's half past midnight and I just saw the date on my computer screen. Today was supposed to be a happy day. You see today I would have been 39 weeks pregnant, a milestone I looked forward to my whole pregnancy. The day when our little one would have been perfectly developed and ready to be met by a world that loves him very much. Today would have been that day, one of the happiest days of my life.

Instead...today I have sad news. Today is a reminder of what I don't have, of what I lost, of what I miss. On May 24th 2012 I delivered the cold and still body of my sweet baby boy Evan Matthew Coy... it's Matthew with 2 t's (I've been miss spelling it a lot lately, sorry baby). Our young fighter gift from the Lord went to be with his Father sometime between Monday May 21st at 4pm and Wednesday May 23rd at 8pm. I wish I could recall the last time I felt him kick but as of now it's all a blur.

I wrote this e-mail on Saturday after it all happened, I know one day I will want to read it again so here it is:

Before I type any details I want to say that yesterday our miracle became tangible to us. I'm not exactly sure of the time but the moment our sweet Evan's heart stopped beating he was healed. Of course not in the way we wanted it to happen but in the perfect way His creator decided would be best not only for him but for us. I'm not saying this to sound spiritual or inspiring, I believe every word with all my heart and that belief doesn't make my heart or arms ache any less, it doesn't make this time any easier and it certainly doesn't stop tears from pouring out of my heart and eyes every time I think of our sweet boy.

We had an appointment on Monday with the cardiologist and his heart was doing perfectly fine as it had been the whole time. After that we met with the OB and we agreed that we would plan a c-section for week 39. On Wednesday night about 8pm I started to have contractions, I was awake all night as they became more regular and intense. At around 7am we decided to head to the hospital, they where going to hook us up to a monitor to check his heart and my contractions but they couldn't find his heart. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that his little heart was no longer beating. We held each other and cried trying to suck the news in and make decisions. We called Sharon, she came in and was everything we couldn't be at the time. God has been so good by putting the Cooks in our life. Who knew that my husband's boss' wife would guide me through labor, I don't think that's a common occurrence but God doesn't have limitations as on how he gives us what we need. Our OB came in to confirm with yet another ultrasound that Evan was no longer with us. Let me mention that we suspect that this OB is a believer, he advocated for Evan's life from the moment we met and he always referred to him by name, God's provision yet again. After that second ultrasound we started discussing what was next. They admitted me into labor and delivery to get things going. Although I had been having contractions all night I wasn't dilated at all do they gave me some pill and waited. It didn't seem like it for me because contractions just kept getting worse but I progressed to 5 cm fairly quick Melanie was documenting my contractions and when she said they where 2 mins apart I found it hard to believe since I felt I was hardly getting any breaks from the pain. Let me tell you that delivering Evan has been probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. I had to focus on breathing through every contraction but sometime they would get so painful that I would lose focus and only think of what was really going on. Nurse Sharon did a great job keeping me on track and helping me do what needed to be done. And Bruce did a wonderful job holding my hand, being loving and even breathing with us through every contraction. I couldn't have asked for better people to be by my side during this time. It seemed like an eternity but I finally got to the point were I was allowed to push. What a relief! It took a couple of contractions and several pushes but we did it and Evan was out been wrapped and handed to us. The peace and quiet in the room were amazing, all the doctors and nurses stood back just watching in utter respect of the moment we were living. For a while there it was only the three of us, our Evan is beautiful. Bruce was in awe of how much he looked like me. His nose is like mine, my dad's and my grandma's! He had  beautiful dark hair and perfect little lips. After he got cleaned up and wrapped up they handed him back to me and I could see his feet a tiny copy of his daddy's feet! What a wonderful experience to see the fruit of our love in one little person! After we got cleaned up we got to spend some more time with him, what a precious boy, he looked so peaceful and beautiful. It was hard to stop looking at him, I wanted to memorize every feature so I will never forget his face.

After we spent quite a while with our son the nurses took him to take some pictures, then they took pictures of all three of us. Melanie brought us dinner so we said good bye to our man, we ate and visited for a while. They moved me to another room and later my parents flew in from Mexico City. We hugged and cried and they got to meet their grandson. It was such a beautiful moment in which all of us in that room where focused on our Evan. We held him, I didn't want to let go, I couldn't stop looking at his cute face, it was a precious time that I will treasure in my heart for as long as I live. Time came to say good bye, only to his body, only for now, only until we meet in Heaven. I kissed his forehead as much as I could. I put him on the onesie and hat I had packed for him. I wrapped him up real tight and put him in the little basket they had brought him in. I told him to say hi to his siblings for me, I told him how much I loved him, and I said good bye. That might have been harder than delivering him.

We were blessed that every doctor and nurse were so caring and compassionate. We didn't have to struggle with anyone and no one tried to minimize what we were going through. We know those are answered prayers. Today a genetics specialist checked Evan and against all odds came to talk to us, he let us know that the diagnosis was a ruptured large omphalocele, which means that most of his liver and intestines were outside and that at some point they were covered by a membrane but it had ruptured leaving his organs exposed to the amniotic fluid for too long which they believe was the cause of death. He also said that although this condition is sometimes associated with other syndromes in his case it was an isolated event. After that talk we were discharged. Adding to the list of hard things we've had to do was walking out of that hospital with an empty belly and empty arms. Thank God for thoughtful friends who send a bouquet of roses to fill that emptiness.

I am doing well physically, I haven't had any pain or weakness. Which is good because I think I'd rather cope with only one kind of pain at the time and my heart hurts enough as it is. Bruce is hurting just as much but he has been an awesome support. Seeing him look at his Evan has been one of the most precious things I've ever witnessed and the love and tenderness he's shown toward me have been above and beyond anything I could ask for. I am blessed with such and amazing husband and daddy of our kids. We know this is the beginning of our grief because no matter how many kids we get to keep on this earth no one will ever take the place of our Evan. We will always miss him and have him in our hearts. Our Evan was a fighter, he survived beyond what was expected against all odds and we are so very proud of him. We are also thankful that we have the privilege of being his parents, that we could fight for his life, protect him, hold him and love him. He came into our life to bring us lots of joy and dreams but also to be used to strengthen our love. To draw us closer together and to God. We are broken but we still have hope and we don't plan on giving up any time soon.

It's been two weeks since the hardest day of our life. My heart is still broken and the pain is still here. Life is slowly going back to normal and I'm lost as to what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. I'm not quite ready for normal yet. Most days I have to make myself get out of bed and take a shower and get dressed and eat. If I didn't I would sleep.

I miss you little man, mommy loves you so very much!

In His hands

"Be still and know that I am God"

Ever since Evan was conceived we've known that his life is sustained by his Creator. After two miscarriages, the first couple of weeks were scary, any slight cramping or discharge would make us wonder if everything was going to be OK. We held on to the quote above. Our pregnancy progressed and at week 12 we got news that something was not right. Read the story here.

A lot of things happened after that post. We've been to a million doctor's appointments and not only is their report the same but it has gotten worse. Every doctor we talk to has a different story, they range from everything will be OK all Evan needs is surgery to he's not growing so he could not survive long enough, and everything in between. Needless to say I'm over their reports and opinions!

Two ultrasounds ago the doctor freaked out because Evan is behind in growth and wanted to admit me right there and then, she didn't even know what for but that was her great solution! Instead of that we agreed to monitor him twice a week. About a week later we had an app with the OB and he said he didn't see the point on monitoring that closely because delivering early will not benefit anyone. Bottom line he's better off inside than outside. That for us represented both, a wake up call and a relief. Wake up call: doctors are not always right and we can use our brain and decide what we think is best for our baby. Relief: we don't have to spend every waking hour at the hospital with doctors and monitors, which, don't get me wrong, I would do a thousand times if that would do my son any good but it doesn't.

When we got out of that last appointment we had a lot of feelings. It was tough to hear the doctors give up on Evan by stating he won't survive. I cried, of course. At the same time I experienced a peace that can only come from my Father. It was as though He was saying "Evan is mine. He is in MY hands. No one else can do anything for him but ME. Know that I am his God." As hard as it has been to surrender our baby boy to God I don't think we've never experienced such peace and joy. We can laugh, and plan, and enjoy.

In very simple words, the doctors can't predict the outcome, they cannot give us a real diagnosis, they can't fix him right now, they can't give us any comfort or answers, they can't see the One who is sustaining our sons life. We, well we can't do ANYTHING other than pray, believe, and love the fruit of our love. Love him so much that we give him back to the One who made him. Love him so much that we cry and hurt and wait. Wait in our God who renews our strength. Wait with expectation of what we know HE is able to do. Wait on a miracle knowing that there is NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM.

Complete and absolute dependence on other than yourself is not fun. But when that other is the Creator, the Prince of Peace, the Healer, the Savior, the Redeemer, the Giver of life, the Comforter...well your life could not be in better hands even if it's no fun!

We cannot see the whole picture, our vision is blured by tears and feelings but HE sees everything and He is carrying us through this valley becase HE is GOD indeed!

Can't wait to hold you little man!

BTW I am 32 weeks pregnant and our little warrior's heart is beating as strong as ever and he is kicking and pushing and punching ad though saying "I ain't going anywhere!".

I wouldn't mind...

the nausea and the dizziness
if it means I'll see two pink lines

the heartburn and the cramps
if it means I'll hear your heart beat

the multiple trips to the bathroom
it if means I'll see you growing healthy

the pain and the hot flashes
if it means I'll feel you move in my belly

the swollen feet and the strech marks
if it means you get to stay with us

the baby weight and the sore breasts
if it means I can hold and kiss you

all that is painful and uncomfortable
if it means at the end I will meet you and fall in love with you!

God promised you to us and we can't wait to meet you, hopefully soon!

Love mom and dad.

Unhealthy?

On Sunday my husband was reading my blog and he looked at me in a kind of concerned way. Later I asked him what that was all about, he said it was about the pictures and tickers I had added to my blog. He was concerned that I had added them because I haven't gotten over it or I am just holding on to my babies in a creepy unhealthy way.

So I got to explaining him that it is not the case. I mean it still hurts at times and I get teary when I think about what would be but I AM healing. The reason why I decided to put up those pictures and tickers is deeper. Since I read "Heaven is for real" I realised how real our babies are. They ARE persons, they ARE in Heaven, they ARE now part of our story, they ARE as important as any other kids we will have. So I did it as a memorial, as a way to remember them and (assuming they know or Jesus tells them what is going on here on earth) let them know that mommy and daddy love them.

There it is, I hope you don't judge and if you've lost a baby and are reading this that this will help you rest in the assurance that you will meet your baby one day!