These mixed feelings

Tomorrow my baby will be 5 months old, I read it and know it but it's still hard to believe! I know EVERY mom says this but I'll say it anyway: they grow SO fast! I look at him and wonder where did my newborn go? I understand that he has been growing since the moment he was conceived but this past couple of weeks it has been so much more evident. Last Monday I looked at him and saw something different. He did not look like my tiny new baby anymore. I saw an older boy looking back at me, not just in size but there was something about his face that looked all "grown up"!  

Yesterday at around 3 pm he woke up from nap time screaming bloody murder, which is totally unlike him. I couldn't figure out what was wrong and teething didn't even cross my mind. Later at bath time I felt his first little tooth coming through, besides the guilt for not having any idea that that was what was bothering my boy I felt so many mixed feelings! Also he started using stage 3 diapers and hes has finally crossed that stage into 6 month clothes. For a few weeks now he has been right where 3m clothes are kind of snug but still fit and 6m clothes fit but are a tad big. Well no more, 3m clothes don't fit anymore!  It all seems to be happening at the same time. Also yesterday he started trying to turn from back to front. He has only turned from front to back twice but he's already trying! 

Growing so fast!

After we lost Evan and reading FB updates that said "my baby is growing so fast and I want to cry!" or "I'm a little sad my baby reached this or that milestone" it would make me angry. I would think how can you be sad that your baby is growing? At least he IS growing! Be thankful for that! I will never see my baby grow, he will never reach milestones, he will never do any of the things your baby is doing, just be happy! I would give ANYTHING to see my boy do what yours is doing! 

Now that we have Ethan I get it. Those moms don't mean anything bad by that, they are not being negative and they are thankful. I see my son so happy and healthy. He was tiny for what seemed like the blink of an eye and I'm sure every stage will seem that way once it's gone. When he leaves behind a size in diapers or clothes, when he turns over or discovers how to use his hands there's a part of me that is proud and happy beyond believe that my baby is healthy but there is always this little part of me that wants to cry because a little piece of my baby slips away with every milestone. It's not easy but I want to make it a point to spend time soaking him in at every stage. Making memories and watching him grow strong. This makes me want to be present making his every stage the best that it can be!

I love you Ethan, keep on growing son!