Monday, November 18, 2013

The way I feel right now

Ever since I remember I've wanted 4 kids. When I met my husband that was one of the things we had in common. 4 is his magic number as well. That was before we ever knew how hard it can be to bring kids into this world and I'm not referring to labor and delivery or the financial side of it. In November 2010 we found out we were pregnant for the first time and it wasn't until June 2013 that we got to take a healthy baby boy home after 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth. So you see my point.

After Evan was born it didn't take long for us to want to try again, we just wanted a baby so bad! I got pregnant 5 months later and the whole time Bruce would kind of joke "hurry up so we can get another one in there!". I felt the same way, "let's get this baby out so we can get more!". Ethan was a c-section so we have to wait to avoid complications but during this time that I have been focused on our son rather than getting pregnant many other thoughts and feelings have crossed my mind.

For a while I thought we've paid our dues, for sure we won't have any more difficult pregnancies. However, recently I've been following a blog of a lady that lost her twins at 19 weeks and a year later lost her baby boy which of course they did not expect and another lady from a blog I follow just had a miscarriage after many others and a stillbirth. This makes me feel like there is no reassurance of no more heartbreak. Any of it could happen again and I would survive, I know I would but the heartbreak, that, is something I would rather never experience again.

I am in no way ready to be done but there is a part of me that thinks "we got what we wanted, we have a perfectly healthy, easy, and gorgeous baby boy why get ourselves into more potential heartbreak?". One look at Ethan makes all the anxiety and worry during pregnancy more than worth it. I would do it again in a heart beat if only I could know that everything will be OK but I can't know that so I'll leave it to God. He knows what I don't and he will get us through whatever comes just as He has before. 

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