Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I'm afraid...

I'm afraid of a lot of things lately. Some fears are bigger than others and I struggle to surrender them to God (as I know I should).

One of the most constant fears or worries has been this coming weekend. It's Easter weekend and we are having Bruce's brother and family over. Don't get me wrong I'm excited to see them. We don't have family in town and have struggled to make friends so having family over is something we always look forward to. What puts a damper on the whole thing is that my sister-in-law is pregnant. (Which I'm very happy about). However, I was supposed to be pregnant too! Her due date is October 31st and mine was November 15th. So close! When I found out we both were pregnant I was so excited. I thought our kids would get along great being so close. Now all those plans and dreams are gone.

We never told his family about the second pregnancy. And I'm afraid that at any random moment I will just burst into tears, that I won't be able to handle the pain, that I will have to explain, that I will make them feel bad, that I will be jealous, that I will be a pain. I'm afraid to talk about their baby, to get mad when she complains about morning sickness. I'm afraid about so many things!

Anyway, maybe I should just focus on how happy I am to have a new niece/nephew, to see lil Z and hang out with J&A. Because if I've learned something during this time is to count my blessings and be thankful for what I do have. But I can't help being afraid!

I choose YOU!

Is there only ONE person for each of us to marry or can you make it work with anybody? This was the discusion my husband, a friend, and I were having a couple of weeks ago. 

We talked about it for a while and we happen to have different opinions and I'm not going to write them all. Where I am going with this is the conclusion my husband and I agreed on. My husband is very practical and incredibly good at putting anything into words. I love this man and his conclusion (which I agree with) made me smile!

So here it is, and I quote: " There are many people with whom it could be easier for me out there and many people that would be better for me in different ways but I don't want them, I CHOOSE YOU, I LOVE YOU FOR YOU, I LOVE THE GOOD AND BAD ABOUT YOU AND I DON'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE!"

What a blessing to know that both, God in His perfection and my husband in his imperfection, love me for ME! I'm a blessed woman!

 My wonderful husband and I

Friday, April 8, 2011

A song that became my prayer

This song touches me so deeply, first because I know my heart hasn't reflected praise at all times during or after my losses (specially the first one) and second because I truly want praise to be my first response no matter what the circumstance in my life is.

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
May this be a prayer that flows from your heart no matter the circumstances you are going through. 
REMEMBER WHAT JESUS SAID: "In the world you'll have trouble. But cheer up! I have overcome the world." Thank you Jesus!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Anniversary and a lost Booger!

Monday was a mixed-feelings day. On one hand it was our two years anniversary happy happy happy! My husband sent me flowers to my office which made me smile. I didn't see him much because he got off work at midnight but the flowers were amazing! A beautiful reminder of how loved I am! My heart still tickles when I see them!

Anyway, moving on to the bitter-sweet part of the day. I got home with flowers, purse, folders and stuff in hand. Booger (our beautiful chocolate lab) was there, as always, wagging his tail waiting for me to come say hi. I had so much stuff in my hands I went in the house through the other door so he wouldn't jump on me.

 Booger when he was a puppy (isn't he cute?)

About an hour and a half later I decided to let him in to keep me company. When I went out he was GONE!!! I tried not to panic, got in the car and started driving around yelling his name...an hour later nothing. Booger was nowhere to be seen! I started freaking out. To make a long story short my husband found him in the pound the next day. 

The good news we found him! The bad news they wanted 50 bucks and they had to neuter him, but we wanted to breed him! Oh well it's the law. So yesterday Bruce picked him up, he was still out of it because of the anesthesia. When I got home I felt horrible, I laid with him on the floor and pet him for a long time. Today he's a lot better slowly coming back to being his crazy self. I love my doggy! So thank God the end of the story is a happy one, our dog is back and we've been happily married for 2 amazing years!

And in celebration of our 2nd anniversary I leave you with a picture of our wedding!

One of the best days ever!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Doctor's appointment

On Friday I got off work at noon. We went to the doctor. A new doctor that is. We didn't like the one that checked me on my first pregnancy. She didn't care too much and on top of it all told me something that didn't make sence at all. She said that I had a septum in my uterus and that was why I lost my first baby. I went to another doctor for an ultrasound and she said that my uterus was perfect, no septum. She also said that if a septum would've caused the miscarriage it wouldn't have been so early in pregnancy.

Anyway so we met the new doctor. She sat and talked to me as if what I had gone through was actually important. I like her already! She wants some more tests done so yey! Saturday I get to be poked again, exciting (not). She also said to not even try to get pregnant until at least July, bummer! :( Apparently it takes the body about 2 cycles to be (hormonally) ready for a pregnancy after a miscarriage. That could be the reason for our second loss although it is not a rule.

So bottom line, God is in control and He has a perfect time for us to have kids. He is never early and never late. For now we will do everything the doctor tells us, see what the test results show us and go from there.

The week that followed

The week that followed that Sunday was one of the worst if not the worst week ever. Since we hadn't told anyone I had to show up to work on Monday. The miscarriage was not confirmed and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Monday I sat at work swallowing my tears and just praying that what I was going through wasn't real. The days went by slowly. Bruce had to work till midnight both Monday and Tuesday. I don't remember hurting or bleeding too much those days.

Wednesday was horrible I hurt bad and bled all day long. I was at work and for a moment I considered going home but I didn't. The pain came and went as I sat there knowing what was going on yet trying to deny it and believe a miracle was still possible. When I was finally home in bed Bruce held me and I cried my eyes out. So on Thursday I called the new doctor they sent me to get blood work done and advised me to keep my appointment (yes, the one that was on my husband's b-day). I discused it with him and we agreed that it would be nice that I got off work early on his birthday, that way we could be together.

On Friday I called for the blood work results, my HCG level was 113 or something like that but to confirm the loss they wanted to compare it with the results of Saturday's blood work. On Monday I called again and my levels had dropped to 48. Good and bad news: good because the levels were going down and bad because the miscarriage was confirmed. What an awful day! I went home and cried.

My mom called me that afternoon and I finally told someone. We cried together. It was good to finally accept it and face the fact that it was real: I had lost another baby. I believe that one step to healing is facing the situation no matter how hard it is. It wasn't easy because even when I had seen and felt all that blood (if you have miscarried you know what I mean) I still had hope, hope in the miracle I know my God IS able to perform. My hope is still in the Lord.

How it continued

So after the first miscarriage we had mixed feelings. We didn't know if we wanted to start trying again soon or not. But we love each other and you know what married couples that love each other do ;) So by the March 12 I was already peeing on a stick again and, yes, it was positive! We wanted to be excited and stay positive but the fear wouldn't leave. What if it happens again? Will we be able to go through the pain again?

All we could do was trust and wait. We decided we were not telling anyone until we were over the first trimester. I scheduled an appointment with a new doctor (we weren't very fond of the first one). Ironically the app was on my husband's b-day (at that time I thought it would be a nice gift to hear the baby's heart), obviously I didn't know what was going to happen that weekend.

On Sunday March the 20th, we went to church as any other Sunday. I remember being under the weather. Bruce had just told me he had to work that day and i was trying to get over it. So after church I drove him to work and went shopping. If you know me you know that I'm kind of addicted to shopping at the Dollar Tree. I had been tempted to buy those dollar PT just for fun. As someone said on her blog, peeing on sticks can become an addiction! Anyway, I got a couple and went home. I peed on one and there they where two beautiful pink lines!

I watched a movie and at the end when I stood up I felt some kind of discharge. I thought it was normal cuz well I've been pregnant before. I went to the bathroom and all of my fears came true. I was bleeding a lot, now that I think about it while I was watching that movie I felt what I thought was slight indigestion (now I know it was cramps). As soon as I wiped blood I started praying. Asking God to save my child to be with it, to be with me. I called my husband and told him. I still had to pick him up. So I drove to his job and he came out with his boss and his wife. That precious couple held me and prayed for us. I'm so thankful with them!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The beginning of it all

Last November this journey began when I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. It was one of the happiest moments in our marriage. We were so excited but still we didn’t tell anyone until my parents came down to visit, we told them and then my husband’s family. Little by little we started telling everyone around us.

We had our first appointment on January 4 and it was official! We didn’t know what laid ahead. On January 7 I started spotting. I called the doctor and they said that as long as I didn’t have any cramps it was normal. When I got home from work it got worse. It went from spotting to bleeding and I started to get cramps. My husband in an honest attempt to comfort me would say that everything was ok. But every time I went to the bathroom I would wipe more and more blood. I knew something was wrong.

My husband rushed me to the emergency room where we waited for hours. I couldn’t believe how lightly they took what was going on. The fact that my child’s life was at stake didn’t seem to matter much, maybe because so early in pregnancy they are not considered humans (by the doctors, anyway). they are mere products. After what seemed an eternity we were seen by a doctor. They did blood work and an ultrasound. When the doctor came back she said they couldn’t find anything. They were going to hope that my hcg levels would go down and that my body would naturally dispose of everything.

I was devastated. All the plans, all the dreams, everything shattered to the ground. I couldn’t stop crying for days. It seemed so unreal. How could God allow this to happen? I was completely confused.