Letter to my little man

My dear sweet Evan,

Today is a difficult day for mommy. "June 15th!" I repeated again and again every time someone asked me when our due date was. I delivered you 3 weeks ago and it's still hard to believe everything happened so fast.

May 24th was probably the hardest day of my life. When we "heard" that piercing silence, when we saw your still little body on that screen, when it was finally confirmed that you were no longer with us. Our hearts literally hurt, dad and I held tight and cried. Not because of you, we instanly knew you are better now. That now you have everything we could have never offered you. But knowing that we would never see you alive on this earth was the most painful thought of all.

I think about you every day. I have strech marks that won't let me forget you were here, with me. Those 8 months altough the hardest they were the most beautiful too beacause we got to love, protect and care for you as we never had for anyone. Fighting for your life has been one of our greatest honors. We were privileged to see you grow in mommy's belly. It made us so happy to see you so full of live every ultrasound. We smiled every time we saw your legs kick or your hands cover you face. It was a relief to see that you looked happy. I hope you could feel our love every moment of your very short life.

You are a special little man, you know your name means "Young fighter gift from the Lord" and we agree that every word of that meaning fits you like a glove. You are a champ, you always seemed so peaceful and happy even when we knew your earthly body wasn't perfect. Even when we held you after that peace on your face made dad and me feel much better knowing that you were in peace and that you were not hurting.

It's been a very tough season in our life and it is not over yet. We think of you and it hurts to think about what we are missing. We miss you so much. I miss you kicking around in my belly. I miss the ultrasound. I miss knowing that you were there. I miss rubing my belly to show you love. I miss trying to picture your cute little face and wonderign who you would look like. You looked so much like me, your nose and your hair were just like mine. But let me tell you, you had a lot of your daddy too. Your feet looked just like his, long and skiny. At first I thought your mouth looked like mine but a couple of times now when I see dad's mouth I immediately think of yours! You were the most perfect blend of us two and the perfect picture of how our love looks like.

I love you so much baby. We will never ever forget you and you will forever be a part of our family. We will be sure to tell your brothers and sisters about you. Please know that your life though short has a big purpose that I am sure we will continue to discover. Be asured on our love that though imperfect it's the best we can give. Please say hi to everyone up there. We look forward to seeing you and holding you someday.

With all my love,

Mommy.