In His hands

"Be still and know that I am God"

Ever since Evan was conceived we've known that his life is sustained by his Creator. After two miscarriages, the first couple of weeks were scary, any slight cramping or discharge would make us wonder if everything was going to be OK. We held on to the quote above. Our pregnancy progressed and at week 12 we got news that something was not right. Read the story here.

A lot of things happened after that post. We've been to a million doctor's appointments and not only is their report the same but it has gotten worse. Every doctor we talk to has a different story, they range from everything will be OK all Evan needs is surgery to he's not growing so he could not survive long enough, and everything in between. Needless to say I'm over their reports and opinions!

Two ultrasounds ago the doctor freaked out because Evan is behind in growth and wanted to admit me right there and then, she didn't even know what for but that was her great solution! Instead of that we agreed to monitor him twice a week. About a week later we had an app with the OB and he said he didn't see the point on monitoring that closely because delivering early will not benefit anyone. Bottom line he's better off inside than outside. That for us represented both, a wake up call and a relief. Wake up call: doctors are not always right and we can use our brain and decide what we think is best for our baby. Relief: we don't have to spend every waking hour at the hospital with doctors and monitors, which, don't get me wrong, I would do a thousand times if that would do my son any good but it doesn't.

When we got out of that last appointment we had a lot of feelings. It was tough to hear the doctors give up on Evan by stating he won't survive. I cried, of course. At the same time I experienced a peace that can only come from my Father. It was as though He was saying "Evan is mine. He is in MY hands. No one else can do anything for him but ME. Know that I am his God." As hard as it has been to surrender our baby boy to God I don't think we've never experienced such peace and joy. We can laugh, and plan, and enjoy.

In very simple words, the doctors can't predict the outcome, they cannot give us a real diagnosis, they can't fix him right now, they can't give us any comfort or answers, they can't see the One who is sustaining our sons life. We, well we can't do ANYTHING other than pray, believe, and love the fruit of our love. Love him so much that we give him back to the One who made him. Love him so much that we cry and hurt and wait. Wait in our God who renews our strength. Wait with expectation of what we know HE is able to do. Wait on a miracle knowing that there is NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM.

Complete and absolute dependence on other than yourself is not fun. But when that other is the Creator, the Prince of Peace, the Healer, the Savior, the Redeemer, the Giver of life, the Comforter...well your life could not be in better hands even if it's no fun!

We cannot see the whole picture, our vision is blured by tears and feelings but HE sees everything and He is carrying us through this valley becase HE is GOD indeed!

Can't wait to hold you little man!

BTW I am 32 weeks pregnant and our little warrior's heart is beating as strong as ever and he is kicking and pushing and punching ad though saying "I ain't going anywhere!".

No, I'm not, but it's ok

So I'm not pregnant but it's all good. I'm learning to wait, trust and live right this moment. Count my blessings and not worry about what I don't or could have. God is God and I am not waiting stinks but I have Him.

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

10 things I am thankful for:

1. Salvation, because of Jesus I get to have eternal life!
2. Jesus, He is the best!
3. Bruce, a lot of people out there wish they had found their life mate so I'm not going to take him for granted!
4. Family, I love them!
5. Food, it's delicious and yep taken for granted sometimes too.
6. My job, it's been a blessing I know also a lot of people would kill to have my job so as much as I dislike it I'm thankful and try to make the best out of it (sometimes).
7. Bruce's job, you have no idea how much I feared he wouldn't find a job he loved (besides firefighting, scaryyyy), but he loves it and is growing in it and he is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G at it!
8. The sun, since I started running I'm rocking a nice tan!
9. My doggies, they bring tons of fun times, smiles and happiness to my life.
10. My bed, I love sleeping on it, it's sooo comfy!

Life is good!

Dear time,

I would really really really appreciate if for just this next week and a half you could pass by a little faster! What? You want to know why? Well you see, there is a VERY GOOD possibility that I could be pregnant. It's too early for symptoms and I don't want to pee on a stick before I actually miss my period which is not for another week and a half. I know I have been selfish in thinking that I don't want to have a baby right now and stuff but the truth is I'm getting anxious! I want to know! And I know I would love it if I were! I know everything is in God's hands and it's ok if I'm not but this waiting time is not my favorite.

Now I have to confess I am a little nervous because once I find out, if I AM pregnant then I will want the first three months to go by fast just to be sure that I won't loose this one but nothing is for sure anyway so I guess I will just turn to the one that holds my life in His hands and rest in the knowledge that He is in control over every single thing that happens in my life.

So time: take your time because He is in control of you too and He is never early and never late!

Sincerely,

Me.

I think I might....

...be getting there...

...It has been a rough first part of the year. Loosing two babies led to grief, tears and despair. It sounds like a long time ago but I am just now starting to feel normal again. Everything happened so fast, I don't think I had time to recover from the first loss when I was pregnant again and a week later had lost another baby. It hit me hard. Lots of questions, lots of righteous questions (why ME?/ I've been sooo good/why do I have to loose babies when there's other 'non-deserving' people pregnant out there/why everybody seems to be pregnant right now when I'm hurting so much)I think I wanted the world to stop and I didn't want anybody else to be pregnant! (Don't judge me I know all these thoughts were/are wrong, don't think God hasn't spoken to me about it, and I'm working on changing it).

I've feared. I've closed up. I've mourned. Less and less everyday and more silently. Sometimes I think "I would have a huge tummy right now", "We would be preparing for the arrival of baby Coy #1", "How would it be?". It hurts to think all this and I try not to entertain those thoughts too long.

I went from being afraid of getting pregnant and loosing a baby again to being afraid of staying pregnant and what comes next. In part selfishly (I don't want to give up my comfortable life for someone that will be completely dependent upon me) and in part because I wasn't still am not sure I am capable of raising a life of my own. How could I if I feel so broken? I think I hit rock bottom when I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted kids anymore, wait, but that's been a life-long dream of mine, how did this happen? I wasn't going to let anything or anyone steal this from me!

God has been faithful (shocking, NOT!). I've been praying and giving it all to him. All my feelings, my fears, my wounds, my desires, everything. I've been being honest with myself. I've been asking God to put His dreams back in my heart. And today I am happy to say that I, for the very first time in the last couple of months, feel a bit of a desire to get pregnant again. I wan to try again! I will not let the trials I've gone through stop me. I have the King of Kings on my side. He defeated death on the cross so who am I to let death stop me from accomplishing the dreams He put in my heart. I WILL hold my children on this earth and I WILL meet my babies in HEAVEN. They are alive and well, dancing before the throne of God, taking walks with Jesus and sitting on his lap (I could not offer anything better than that!), so:

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15:55

I will not let you paralyze me anymore or scare me. God will fulfill His plans for me and I am not going to stop Him by listening to the bs the master liar wants me to believe.

Maybe we'll get good news soon!