My first guest post!

So earlier this month I was contacted by Cortney over at The Mommyhood Project via Instagram. I looked her up and found out she has a very similar story as I do. We both share deep loss and we both want our story to be known so others can have hope. She is hosting a series called Life After Child Loss on her blog and she invited me to be a part of it. 

I was super excited because I think the more people can hear our stories the better. One, because if they are going through what we've gone through they won't feel alone. Two, because when you've gone through such pain you don't want it to be in vain and if my story encourages 1 person then there is some purpose in it. 

I will be sharing Cortney's story next week but for now please go over and read my blog post on her page here. You can also hang around and leave some comment love for her.

Showing my blog some love

So I'm getting ready to make my blog public. I know it hasn't exactly been private but since I started it back in 2011 I haven't acquired any regular readers. My guess is because nobody I know in real life knows about it. It's been a struggle in my heart to let close people know about it or not. It's a lot easier to be vulnerable and open with strangers but it is time. I want my story to be shared and to touch people that may need to hear that loss sucks and it is hard but there is always hope! 

Anyway, in preparation for this step I've been trying to give my blog a face lift and add some features that I think necessary. I spent about two days trying to add social media icons and I just wasn't having any success until I found this you tube video 

Super simple, fast, and clear, right?

I love to design my own stuff but I am not very savvy regarding saving images for the web and re sizing and all that other good stuff so I found these and fell in love with them! I am thankful for talented people that are willing to share their skills with the community. Thank you Pancake Ninja! 

If you are trying to add social media icons to your blog go check these two resources, it will save you lots of time and frustration!

Ethan is 1 little monkey

We had Ethan's 1st birthday party on June 29th. At first we thought about having it at the park but it was going to be way too hot plus all my decoration plans wouldn't have been possible there.

We went into overdrive to get the house ready for the party and I am glad we did! Every little detail I wanted came to fruition and I couldn't be happier with the memories we created for our 1st birthday party ever. I had been dreaming about a 1st Birthday Party ever since I got pregnant with our first back in 2010. Wow!!! It was a long time coming, things don't always happen like you imagine but this party did! 

OK, so on with the program. Let me give you a tour of the party and tell you a a little bit about it.

Right as guests walked in they saw a "one a day" presentation playing on our TV,
I tried to take a picture a day for his first year, I had to cheat on some days but
for the most part they were chronologically accurate.

On one corner of the living room we had the "present table" which
was our ottoman, it turned out great because we sat there to open his presents.

As you walked into the dining room to the right we had a cotton candy and
snow cone station.

Then we had the food station. We served banana chips (ruffles),
monkey tails (hot dogs), and alligator jaws (watermelon). 

Walking into the den we set up Ethan's high chair.

 

To the right of the high chair we had the "cake" table. Tons of monkeys
that spelled ONE and his special one with his candle.

   

Along the den we set up the table for everyone. Daddy had the last
minute idea to use banana clusters as centerpieces and I added
some pictures but I took the picture before I did that.
I loved how it turned out!

We decorated the mantel with his hospital onesie, some pictures, and his first
piece of art (which mostly we made cuz he didn't want anything to do with
the paint). He did stamp his footprint so there. Also we hung his "monthly"
footprints (I had to cheat a bit too, life happens way too fast!).

In the den we have a "window" that opens to the kitchen, we closed the
shutters and I set up his tiny bits picture, a frame with lots of pictures for
everyone to flip through, and our Evan's bear attending baby brother's party.

 

Outside we had the piñata, that was all Bruce. He made a palm tree
and hung coconuts filled with candy, when the kids hit the trunk the coconuts
fell and some busted open. Everybody loved it, it was very original and it worked
like a charm!

We also had a cake for Ethan so he would smash it with his guests, we
didn't make a mess like the first time but he enjoyed it!

   

Our family picture. I wish it had turned out better but in the
heat of the moment that's all we had time for. 

   

"Happy Birthday" time, not too loud so birthday boy wouldn't
get startled because he was having a hard time with all the people
invading his house. Once he got over it he enjoyed the party!

Well, that's it for today. We had a great time and we were very pleased with how everything turned out. We had lots of friends and friends that are family join us to celebrate this very awaited day!

Only Abuela was able to make it in town for the party, she enjoyed it a lot and we were happy to have her. We wish we could have had more of our family here but that's how distance works. 

Happy Birthday sweet boy, I hope you'll like what you see when you look at this pictures!

My baby is ONE today

When did that happen? I know everybody says this, it must be because it's true. It doesn't really feel like a whole year has gone by but my itty bitty baby is turning into a big boy way too fast and right in front of my eyes!

I had been thinking about a theme for his 1st birthday party since he was like 6 months and this is what I came up with:

"5 little monkeys" is the first song I learned in English way back
in kindergarten and to date it brings back fond memories of those years. 

I chose monkeys as Ethan's theme and when my mom was in town before he was born we found this cute beanie baby monkey, so it all fit together. I came up with the play on words (and number) and with daddy's help the party started to come to life!

We have a lot of fun plans for the party. I will post pictures soon! 

Today we celebrated by waking up the birthday boy with balloons and presents.

After the presents we had his cake smashing session. I wasn't sure how that was going to go because he is not a fan of textures but once he got a little bit in his mouth it was over, the cake didn't stand a chance. I took approximately 589 pictures and I was able to narrow it to about 200, it's impossible to pick the best ones they are all super cute! 

The hat was a nice thought but he wouldn't keep it on!

What is this???

I think I like it!

Yeah, I like it so much I'll dive in it!

Now I'm having fun!

Staple monkey face, not sure were he learned to do it
but I sure don't want him to grow out of it!

Then we went out for breakfast and off to Explora (a kid's museum in town). Ethan and Daddy had a blast learning and discovering together. My heart is full just from seeing those two enjoy things together and each other!

Fascinated with the shooting water

Water is his favorite thing to play with

Bubbles!!!

This is how he shows love, I love you too my boy!

Abuela had a good time too.

To end the day we took his official 12 month picture with Daddy's 49ers hat, almost a monthly tradition.

Won't keep it on long enough for a picture but this works!

We had a really fun time celebrating his 1st year of life and we pray we get to celebrate many more!

My dear sweet boy,

It's been an honor and a privilege to see you grow during this past 12 months. For the most part it's been easy, not because I am a super mom but because you are a super baby. We lucked out with you, every transition and every milestone have been dictated by your readiness. There hasn't been any major drama or difficulty. Of course you've had hard days and I have too but nothing compared to the horrors some people warned us about. You've spoiled us!

I love to watch you play and see all the silly things you come up with. Sometimes I feel my heart is going to burst out of my chest with love. I don't understand how I can love a tiny person so so much. You have changed our life and I am thankful that you are growing strong and healthy.

Keep on growing my love, soon you'll be joined by your brother on Earth and we all will have a blast!

Love, 

Mommy

*Party post coming soon!

Big boy's mama

Ethan will be 11 months on Tuesday, I know right? How is that possible if he was born just yesterday???!!! 

Since I am pregnant and due in September we had to start the weaning process earlier than we had originally planned. My doctor talked to me about the risk of contractions while breastfeeding. Since I don't have a history of preterm labor and I haven't had contractions she said I could continue to breastfeed as long as that continued to be the case. We discussed that further along in the pregnancy contractions are more likely to happen. I wanted to be prepared and not have to wean him cold turkey if anything happened.

We started about a month ago taking all the breastfeeding sessions during the day. It was a breeze, it was a little bittersweet that he didn't even seem to notice. I guess he was ready for it. The first couple of days he would  "attack" me when I was close but other than that he was fine.

The plan was for Bruce to start doing the night feeding at 11 months and then the morning one at 12 months. However today went differently. Ethan woke up at 7:30 am, Bruce got him and brought him into our room. I thought he would for sure go for his milk right away but he was content playing. We decided to give him his sippy cup and see how he did. He drank about half and was fine after that. Again, he didn't seem to notice!

Tonight, Bruce suggested we just kept on with the theme and he fed him his night milk. When I started writing this post I was sitting on the couch hiding. Bruce came out and Ethan made a little noise but right now he seems to be asleep so, so far so good. My baby is growing into a big boy. Now I wonder if I can grow into a big boy's mama and be OK with that little bit of his babyhood been gone. It has, after all, been something we've shared for 11 months! 

Grow on my sweet boy, your mama will be OK!

Two years

Today is our Evan's second Heaven Birthday.

Two years ago today we held his little body in our arms in what was one of the most bittersweet days of my life. If you would like to read the full story you can go to the label with his name.

As you can imagine I miss him terribly and it hurts. My heart wishes I had been planning a birthday party instead of wondering how this day was going to go. Last year although I was already pregnant with Ethan being sad seemed like the most natural thing. After all it had only been a year and my arms were still empty.

This year felt different. In the days leading up to today I wondered how I was going to feel and more so how I was supposed to feel. It has been two years, I have my almost 11-month-old Ethan and am 5 months pregnant with our 3rd baby boy. So I should probably be focusing on my blessings, right?

I do, most of the time I do, but it's not like any of my boys will ever take my Evan's place in our family or in our heart. I still miss him. It's still hard. My heart still hurts and tears still roll down my cheeks.

Today I felt lost. It felt like it shouldn't be just another normal day but at the same time we are not throwing a birthday party and he is not here for us to make him feel special. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to feel?

I'm not sure. I do know I don't want to forget. I don't want it to feel like I'm forgetting. I don't want the world to forget. It is a very strange feeling and at times very confusing. I feel the need to be sad so I remember him. I need to cry to show he's still in my heart and mind.

I love you baby and I miss you more than words can express!

It is a...

We've known for a couple of weeks now. We had our 20 week ultrasound on May 5th, we were 19 weeks 6 days and that's exactly what baby measured. I'm not sure what that says about this baby but none of my kids before had measure so exactly. Anyway, I think it would have been really difficult to hide it if we didn't want to find out. It was pretty obvious and we are super excited. We are having... 

... another boy!!! Everybody was rooting for a girl. There are no girls on my husbands side of the family and only 1 girl on mine but not this time. We couldn't be happier. Bruce says we make boys, so far he's right. 3 boys and counting!

Not only are we happy because this will save us a ton of money (we pretty much have everything for baby) but also because Ethan is getting a partner in crime. We pray they will grow close together and be the best of friends although he doesn't really know what is going on right now. 

I am also secretly happy that I remain the only girl and that I get to be loved by yet another guy. I love my boys, big and small!!!

I gotta go now one of them just woke up from his nap.