Contentment is a bautiful thing

This is something I've been thinking about for a while and recently our Pastor talked about it at church.

Before I share about the title I want to say that I know this blog has been mainly about our struggles with babies and what we've been through can make for a very sad blog. I'm not saying this apologetically because even though I have no official followers (that I know of) my desire is that if and when people find my corner of the blogosphere God will use our story to encourage others no matter where they are at in live (as He's used others in my life), because all this pain can't go to waist!

Having said this I feel we are entering a different chapter in our story. It's almost like I can feel it in the air and I think I need to share accordingly. The blogs I follow are mostly of women that although they have lots to offer in many areas the main thing they offer is transparency and that is what has blessed me the most. I am not a perfect Jesus-lover, wife, housewife, mother, crafter, or woman but I belive that sharing with transparency helps us live the life in community God intended for His followers.

con·tent·ment

/kənˈtentmənt/

Noun A state of happiness and satisfaction.

It's been an interesting journey which has helped me (us) put things in perspective and realize what is truly important. We all have dreams, we all want a good life, a big house with a yard, a paid off mortgage, two cars, a good pay check, a good job, more money, and better things. I don't think there is anything wrong with this desires but I do believe the world we live in has put all material things in the center of our lives and maybe without noticing we have allowed it.

Not too long ago I was not very content with where we are at. I was failing to count our blessings and I was focusing on what I wanted for the future more than all that I have NOW. I just wanted more. So I decided to make some changes. We live in a small two bedroom apartment. We've had a spare bethroom for the past two years so it's been really easy to bring things home and if we don't use them just put them in the storage room spare room. Growing up I remeber we had one of those, one day my mom decided it was time to clean it. It took weeks to go over everything in there! I have a vivid memory of a box that had been sitting there for years and when we opened it there was a pot with dirt in a bag, you never know when you'll need it right? Ever since my biggest fear has been to accumulate so much stuff that I won't even know what I have.

Every time we've moved in the last few years I've made it a point to get rid of anything that isn't been used but somehow I kept buying things that I didn't know where to put! It's amazing how fast a spare room can get out of control. Anyway, after Evan's birth I decided to organize every corner of our house and get rid of anything that wasn't been used (I needed a project). That unfolded a series of unexpected events.

As I cleaned and organized the house felt more and more my own. I realized we really didn't NEED anything and we have more than we NEED. One day I stood in the middle of the living room looking around and thought "I am happy here, this is my home". We had been trying to buy a house but we decided that's not the right move right now and since we decided that I embraced my home and took it upon myself to make the best out of it! This has led me to fing the best way to use what we already have to decorate, come up with inexpensive ways to create more storage space, fill our house with pretty plants and flowers, and only shop for what we truly need or has a specific purpose. I have also been focusing my energy on serving my husband. Cooking more often, keeping a cleaner house, eating dinner at the table, etc.

I cannot tell you how much this change in my perspective has impacted our lives. How good it has been for our marriage, we are happier now than when I was working full time and had more money. We have learned what contentment really is and it is a beautiful thing!

Stick around as I share my projects, my kitchen adventures, and the valuable lessons I've learned from my good friend and mentor S on saving money and living fully.

Our VERY Happy Valentine's Day

Yesterday was a VERY special day. Valentine's is normally not a huge day for us, I mean we do try to have a special dinner or get a little something for each other but it's just not big like Christmas or birthdays. Anyway, yesterday was different, it was a day we both had been looking forward to for about a month. As I said before it was the day after I passed the 20 week mark and when we had an ultrasound scheduled to find out if we're having a little boy or a little lady!

Before I make the big announcement I want to recap our day just because this is sort of our family's diary. If you can't wait or just don't want to read the whole thing feel free to scroll down and enjoy the news!

The day started at about 7:30am maybe earlier. I've been having trouble sleeping so I was up at 6:30 a few minutes later my Valentine got up and left the room so I turned on the movie I didn't finish watching the night before (Ocean's 13, can I just say I love those movies). Bruce came back to the room with a plate of strawberries and Nutella which is my favorite thing on earth right now. All I've been eating for breakfast the past month or so is this delicious idea I found on Pinterest:

Source here

Before you judge me I'm aware it's not the healthiest ever but I use whole grain bread, and I like to tell myself that baby needs carbs (bread), fat (nutella), protein (eggs), and fruit (strawberries) so if you think about it is a pretty balanced breakfast right? rigth? ok maybe not but I LOVE IT!

Anyway, he brought the french toast later with a huge Valentine's balloon

He left the room again and came back with a bottle of chocolate milk. This was sognificant because when we met in Brazil and then were in Chile togehter that's how he would let me know he had been thinking of me!

He left the room one more time and returned with this gorgeous orchid that makes me smile every time I look at it!:

After the movie it was time to get ready and get to our appointment. If you've read some of our story you know that our biggest concern wasn't the sex of our baby but what could be wrong. All kinds of worrisome thoughts crossed our minds during the days leading to yesterday, however when we went into the ultrasound room there was peace.

Bruce was convinced it's a girl and I wanted a boy... are you ready for the news. Let me say first that all of our concerns and worries were cleared. Every organ looks good and is working in perfect order. The heart is perfect and beating at 147 bpm. All the measurements are what they are supposed to beand our due date of July 3rd was confirmed! Are you ready now?

Ok without further ado I give you the big announcement:

Yes, Mr. Evan Matthew is having a baby brother!

For our Spanish speaking family!

We are beyond excited for our little man! I am thankful that God heard and gave me the desire of my heart and I am thrilled that in a few months I will be holding my dear son on this side of Heaven! After the appointment the news were of setting in. The news that we're having a boy, that he's healthy, that we will actually be holding a living baby very soon, that ou life is about to change even more for real! For the first time in a very long time we felt free to be excited, to plan, to talk about the future, to shop for baby, and to get ready for what is coming! It was so liberating and even today sharing the news with our friends and family the day was bright and beautiful.

What a wonderful Valentine's Day, it is one that will be hard to top but I don't have a problem with that and I'm sure Bruce doesn't either!

Review and announcement

Time flew by and just like that 2012 was over then I blinked and February was here. I know this is not the most timely picture but this is how we made the announcement to our friends and family. It also is sort of our 2012 in review, certainly other things happened during the year or did they? It really doesn't feel like it, I mean they must have but when something such as a precious Evan and a new addition happen to you in the same year I don't think you notice much more, I didn't.

When we sent this to our friends and family some didn't quite get it so I'll clarify:

WE ARE PREGNANT AGAIN!

The picture on the left with the three hands is our hands holding our Evan's little one and the ultrasound is the sweet new member of the Coy family! Isn't he PERFECT?

We are 19 weeks and looking forward to Valentine's Day which is the day after we pass the 20 week mark and the day they scheduled my ultrasound when besides seeing our little one again we get to find out if it's a little man or a sweet lady. It cannot come fast enough, update to follow!

Evan's birth story

Ever since I discovered the blogosphere I've read several birth stories and always wondered how mine would be. For a while and because I don't have a living child to account for it I never even gave writing Evan's birth story a second thought, till now.

It doesn't matter that he's not here with us he will always be the first child I gave birth to and I will always want to remember what a special moment it was and how God was present even in the midst of the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. So here it goes.

Contractions started on Wednesday May 23rd at around 8:30 pm. As I've said before I wish I remembered exactly when was the last time I felt him move but I don't. I know it was sometime between Monday at 3 pm (that was the last time we saw him on an ultrasound, he seemed so peaceful and happy just moving around mamma's belly) and Wednesday morning. Anyway, contractions started and as a first time mom I wasn't sure whether I was in labor or not. I kept praying that wasn't it. I googled and googled but I still wasn't sure. I was up all night. I walked, I sat, I folded baby clothes, I prayed. 

On Thursday at around 7 in the morning Bruce woke up and told me to call the nurse. I called, told her what was going on and she told us to drive to the hospital, I was not quite there but close. We got to the hospital and they kept asking if I was feeling Evan move, I thought I was so I kept saying yes, now I know that what I was feeling were only contractions, the mind is a powerful thing. They connected me to the monitor, contractions where regular and strong, very different from any pain I've experienced before. Then the monitor to listen to his heart, the nurse searched and searched but we kept hearing it, that piercing silence, the loudest most deafening silence I've ever heard. The nurse announced it "I'm sorry, but I think your baby passed away". What? This couldn't be happening. We held each other and cried. What are we supposed to do now? We had called my friend/adoptive mom/birth coach Sharon and she was on stand by, after the final verdict the nurse offered to call her. She was on her way. Meanwhile we called my parents, they were on their way form Mexico City. 

Sharon got to the hospital I will never be able to thank her for everything she was for us that day. She hugged me, cried with me and then was all the strong and sound of mind we couldn't be. You see she is a nurse so she has medical training but more than that she has delivered 7 kids, so if anyone has the experience I needed to go through this was her. They offer pain meds and with confidence she looked at me and said "I think we can do it without them, I'll be there, we'll do it together!". I didn't know what it was to deliver a baby but she sort of transferred her confidence to me.

They did an ultrasound to verify that our Evan was no longer with us, we saw his still body on the screen. We cried some more. The next step was to move us to a delivery room, to check my progress and see where we were in the labor process. When we were settled in our room they checked me, I was 3 cm. Contractions kept on going. They gave me a pill to dilate the cervix, it was going to take about 3 hours to get to 10 cm. I was exhausted but the contractions wouldn't let me sleep.

My friends Leslie and Melanie where there. William showed up. It was awesome to have so many familiar faces with us and know that we were not alone. I heard that throughout the day many friends were at the hospital some came in, some stayed out and prayed, some called, texted or e-mailed. I am grateful for every single one of them.

I took a shower and the contractions continued. Bruce has on one side of the bed and Sharon was on the other. Every contraction they would both hold my hand. My Bruce was the loving, sympathetic, tender support I needed. I would look at him and be comforted in his love and in the peace of having him right there going through it all with me, if not through the physical pain the devastation of having lost our beloved son. Sharon on the other hand was my strong, practical, always loving but firm coach. No matter what was going on around us or who was talking with one look I would let her know a contraction was coming she would focus her eyes on mine and breathe with me. Very calmly but firmly she would ask me to keep my eyes opened, look at her, relax and breathe. Breathing helped a lot, relaxing was hard I was trying to go against every fiber of my body that would want to tense up but when I was able to it helped a lot too.

About half an hour into it they came to check, I had progressed to 5 cm. At some point after that I got nauseated and threw up. They gave me some medicine for that and we kept going. Contractions became more regular and stronger. Melanie was monitoring and she said they were coming every 2 mins exactly. It felt like a lot less. I was so tired I started sleeping between contractions. A contractions would come, I would focus on Sharon, get through it and fall deep asleep, the next contraction would wake me up and it would start all over again. What I remember being the hardest is when in the middle of a contraction what was  going on became very clear. I would think "My baby is death, I'm giving birth to the still body of my baby boy, I can't do this, this is too hard!". Talk about pain! I remember even saying it out loud but Bruce and Sharon pulled me through, "You can do it, you are strong, I know it hurts but you need to do it!". 

They checked me again and I was at 7 or 8 cm. Sharon said I would soon enter into transition ans shortly after it would be over. Not too long after they checked me that last time I started having the urge to push but I wasn't supposed to. Sharon sent for the doctor, she said I was in transition. Every cell of my body was telling me to push and yet I had to fight against it. If you ask me I think that is the hardest part of delivering, thankfully it didn't last long. Finally the doctor arrived he checked again, I remember yelling "I'm going to push!" and I heard the best words I could have heard anyone say at the moment, "Ok, push!". Oh the relieve! After that it was like my body knew what to do and by listening to it I did to. When a pushing contraction was coming I would count "1,2,3" and I would push. It took about three pushes and Evan was out. It was pain like any other, it burnt and then it was all over. 

They took Evan to clean him and wrap him. Shortly after they handed him to me, he was the most beautiful baby boy I've laid eyes on. The doctors and nurses stood back in perfect silence and utter respect of the moment we were living. His body was far from perfect but he is oh so precious to his mom and dad. We spent two unforgettable hours with our Evan. We had pizza dinner with friends in the room. I was feeling surprisingly well. They moved us to another room and I was finally able to rest some while Bruce and Sharon went to the airport to pick up my parents. When they came back we asked the nurse to bring Evan back to the room. Abuelos got to hold him and meet him. William held him too. It was a beautiful family time that God gifted us with and that I am very thankful for. 

Letter to my little man

My dear sweet Evan,

Today is a difficult day for mommy. "June 15th!" I repeated again and again every time someone asked me when our due date was. I delivered you 3 weeks ago and it's still hard to believe everything happened so fast.

May 24th was probably the hardest day of my life. When we "heard" that piercing silence, when we saw your still little body on that screen, when it was finally confirmed that you were no longer with us. Our hearts literally hurt, dad and I held tight and cried. Not because of you, we instanly knew you are better now. That now you have everything we could have never offered you. But knowing that we would never see you alive on this earth was the most painful thought of all.

I think about you every day. I have strech marks that won't let me forget you were here, with me. Those 8 months altough the hardest they were the most beautiful too beacause we got to love, protect and care for you as we never had for anyone. Fighting for your life has been one of our greatest honors. We were privileged to see you grow in mommy's belly. It made us so happy to see you so full of live every ultrasound. We smiled every time we saw your legs kick or your hands cover you face. It was a relief to see that you looked happy. I hope you could feel our love every moment of your very short life.

You are a special little man, you know your name means "Young fighter gift from the Lord" and we agree that every word of that meaning fits you like a glove. You are a champ, you always seemed so peaceful and happy even when we knew your earthly body wasn't perfect. Even when we held you after that peace on your face made dad and me feel much better knowing that you were in peace and that you were not hurting.

It's been a very tough season in our life and it is not over yet. We think of you and it hurts to think about what we are missing. We miss you so much. I miss you kicking around in my belly. I miss the ultrasound. I miss knowing that you were there. I miss rubing my belly to show you love. I miss trying to picture your cute little face and wonderign who you would look like. You looked so much like me, your nose and your hair were just like mine. But let me tell you, you had a lot of your daddy too. Your feet looked just like his, long and skiny. At first I thought your mouth looked like mine but a couple of times now when I see dad's mouth I immediately think of yours! You were the most perfect blend of us two and the perfect picture of how our love looks like.

I love you so much baby. We will never ever forget you and you will forever be a part of our family. We will be sure to tell your brothers and sisters about you. Please know that your life though short has a big purpose that I am sure we will continue to discover. Be asured on our love that though imperfect it's the best we can give. Please say hi to everyone up there. We look forward to seeing you and holding you someday.

With all my love,

Mommy.

Today...

It's half past midnight and I just saw the date on my computer screen. Today was supposed to be a happy day. You see today I would have been 39 weeks pregnant, a milestone I looked forward to my whole pregnancy. The day when our little one would have been perfectly developed and ready to be met by a world that loves him very much. Today would have been that day, one of the happiest days of my life.

Instead...today I have sad news. Today is a reminder of what I don't have, of what I lost, of what I miss. On May 24th 2012 I delivered the cold and still body of my sweet baby boy Evan Matthew Coy... it's Matthew with 2 t's (I've been miss spelling it a lot lately, sorry baby). Our young fighter gift from the Lord went to be with his Father sometime between Monday May 21st at 4pm and Wednesday May 23rd at 8pm. I wish I could recall the last time I felt him kick but as of now it's all a blur.

I wrote this e-mail on Saturday after it all happened, I know one day I will want to read it again so here it is:

Before I type any details I want to say that yesterday our miracle became tangible to us. I'm not exactly sure of the time but the moment our sweet Evan's heart stopped beating he was healed. Of course not in the way we wanted it to happen but in the perfect way His creator decided would be best not only for him but for us. I'm not saying this to sound spiritual or inspiring, I believe every word with all my heart and that belief doesn't make my heart or arms ache any less, it doesn't make this time any easier and it certainly doesn't stop tears from pouring out of my heart and eyes every time I think of our sweet boy.

We had an appointment on Monday with the cardiologist and his heart was doing perfectly fine as it had been the whole time. After that we met with the OB and we agreed that we would plan a c-section for week 39. On Wednesday night about 8pm I started to have contractions, I was awake all night as they became more regular and intense. At around 7am we decided to head to the hospital, they where going to hook us up to a monitor to check his heart and my contractions but they couldn't find his heart. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that his little heart was no longer beating. We held each other and cried trying to suck the news in and make decisions. We called Sharon, she came in and was everything we couldn't be at the time. God has been so good by putting the Cooks in our life. Who knew that my husband's boss' wife would guide me through labor, I don't think that's a common occurrence but God doesn't have limitations as on how he gives us what we need. Our OB came in to confirm with yet another ultrasound that Evan was no longer with us. Let me mention that we suspect that this OB is a believer, he advocated for Evan's life from the moment we met and he always referred to him by name, God's provision yet again. After that second ultrasound we started discussing what was next. They admitted me into labor and delivery to get things going. Although I had been having contractions all night I wasn't dilated at all do they gave me some pill and waited. It didn't seem like it for me because contractions just kept getting worse but I progressed to 5 cm fairly quick Melanie was documenting my contractions and when she said they where 2 mins apart I found it hard to believe since I felt I was hardly getting any breaks from the pain. Let me tell you that delivering Evan has been probably the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. I had to focus on breathing through every contraction but sometime they would get so painful that I would lose focus and only think of what was really going on. Nurse Sharon did a great job keeping me on track and helping me do what needed to be done. And Bruce did a wonderful job holding my hand, being loving and even breathing with us through every contraction. I couldn't have asked for better people to be by my side during this time. It seemed like an eternity but I finally got to the point were I was allowed to push. What a relief! It took a couple of contractions and several pushes but we did it and Evan was out been wrapped and handed to us. The peace and quiet in the room were amazing, all the doctors and nurses stood back just watching in utter respect of the moment we were living. For a while there it was only the three of us, our Evan is beautiful. Bruce was in awe of how much he looked like me. His nose is like mine, my dad's and my grandma's! He had  beautiful dark hair and perfect little lips. After he got cleaned up and wrapped up they handed him back to me and I could see his feet a tiny copy of his daddy's feet! What a wonderful experience to see the fruit of our love in one little person! After we got cleaned up we got to spend some more time with him, what a precious boy, he looked so peaceful and beautiful. It was hard to stop looking at him, I wanted to memorize every feature so I will never forget his face.

After we spent quite a while with our son the nurses took him to take some pictures, then they took pictures of all three of us. Melanie brought us dinner so we said good bye to our man, we ate and visited for a while. They moved me to another room and later my parents flew in from Mexico City. We hugged and cried and they got to meet their grandson. It was such a beautiful moment in which all of us in that room where focused on our Evan. We held him, I didn't want to let go, I couldn't stop looking at his cute face, it was a precious time that I will treasure in my heart for as long as I live. Time came to say good bye, only to his body, only for now, only until we meet in Heaven. I kissed his forehead as much as I could. I put him on the onesie and hat I had packed for him. I wrapped him up real tight and put him in the little basket they had brought him in. I told him to say hi to his siblings for me, I told him how much I loved him, and I said good bye. That might have been harder than delivering him.

We were blessed that every doctor and nurse were so caring and compassionate. We didn't have to struggle with anyone and no one tried to minimize what we were going through. We know those are answered prayers. Today a genetics specialist checked Evan and against all odds came to talk to us, he let us know that the diagnosis was a ruptured large omphalocele, which means that most of his liver and intestines were outside and that at some point they were covered by a membrane but it had ruptured leaving his organs exposed to the amniotic fluid for too long which they believe was the cause of death. He also said that although this condition is sometimes associated with other syndromes in his case it was an isolated event. After that talk we were discharged. Adding to the list of hard things we've had to do was walking out of that hospital with an empty belly and empty arms. Thank God for thoughtful friends who send a bouquet of roses to fill that emptiness.

I am doing well physically, I haven't had any pain or weakness. Which is good because I think I'd rather cope with only one kind of pain at the time and my heart hurts enough as it is. Bruce is hurting just as much but he has been an awesome support. Seeing him look at his Evan has been one of the most precious things I've ever witnessed and the love and tenderness he's shown toward me have been above and beyond anything I could ask for. I am blessed with such and amazing husband and daddy of our kids. We know this is the beginning of our grief because no matter how many kids we get to keep on this earth no one will ever take the place of our Evan. We will always miss him and have him in our hearts. Our Evan was a fighter, he survived beyond what was expected against all odds and we are so very proud of him. We are also thankful that we have the privilege of being his parents, that we could fight for his life, protect him, hold him and love him. He came into our life to bring us lots of joy and dreams but also to be used to strengthen our love. To draw us closer together and to God. We are broken but we still have hope and we don't plan on giving up any time soon.

It's been two weeks since the hardest day of our life. My heart is still broken and the pain is still here. Life is slowly going back to normal and I'm lost as to what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. I'm not quite ready for normal yet. Most days I have to make myself get out of bed and take a shower and get dressed and eat. If I didn't I would sleep.

I miss you little man, mommy loves you so very much!

In His hands

"Be still and know that I am God"

Ever since Evan was conceived we've known that his life is sustained by his Creator. After two miscarriages, the first couple of weeks were scary, any slight cramping or discharge would make us wonder if everything was going to be OK. We held on to the quote above. Our pregnancy progressed and at week 12 we got news that something was not right. Read the story here.

A lot of things happened after that post. We've been to a million doctor's appointments and not only is their report the same but it has gotten worse. Every doctor we talk to has a different story, they range from everything will be OK all Evan needs is surgery to he's not growing so he could not survive long enough, and everything in between. Needless to say I'm over their reports and opinions!

Two ultrasounds ago the doctor freaked out because Evan is behind in growth and wanted to admit me right there and then, she didn't even know what for but that was her great solution! Instead of that we agreed to monitor him twice a week. About a week later we had an app with the OB and he said he didn't see the point on monitoring that closely because delivering early will not benefit anyone. Bottom line he's better off inside than outside. That for us represented both, a wake up call and a relief. Wake up call: doctors are not always right and we can use our brain and decide what we think is best for our baby. Relief: we don't have to spend every waking hour at the hospital with doctors and monitors, which, don't get me wrong, I would do a thousand times if that would do my son any good but it doesn't.

When we got out of that last appointment we had a lot of feelings. It was tough to hear the doctors give up on Evan by stating he won't survive. I cried, of course. At the same time I experienced a peace that can only come from my Father. It was as though He was saying "Evan is mine. He is in MY hands. No one else can do anything for him but ME. Know that I am his God." As hard as it has been to surrender our baby boy to God I don't think we've never experienced such peace and joy. We can laugh, and plan, and enjoy.

In very simple words, the doctors can't predict the outcome, they cannot give us a real diagnosis, they can't fix him right now, they can't give us any comfort or answers, they can't see the One who is sustaining our sons life. We, well we can't do ANYTHING other than pray, believe, and love the fruit of our love. Love him so much that we give him back to the One who made him. Love him so much that we cry and hurt and wait. Wait in our God who renews our strength. Wait with expectation of what we know HE is able to do. Wait on a miracle knowing that there is NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM.

Complete and absolute dependence on other than yourself is not fun. But when that other is the Creator, the Prince of Peace, the Healer, the Savior, the Redeemer, the Giver of life, the Comforter...well your life could not be in better hands even if it's no fun!

We cannot see the whole picture, our vision is blured by tears and feelings but HE sees everything and He is carrying us through this valley becase HE is GOD indeed!

Can't wait to hold you little man!

BTW I am 32 weeks pregnant and our little warrior's heart is beating as strong as ever and he is kicking and pushing and punching ad though saying "I ain't going anywhere!".