2015's Here and Now {Phase I}

One of the ways in which I have taken my phrase of the year "here and now" is this other phrase "life is too short". I am not too old but loosing Evan has opened my eyes to a world of pain, loss, and uncertainty. I had a VERY nice childhood. I never really went through anything really hard. There wasn't much that I wanted that I didn't get. Life was good and although there was bad in the world none of those bad things could/would ever happen to me. Well, that is long gone. Now I know that bad things happen and they most certainly can happen to me. I'm not immune to life. This knowledge is both good and bad. To be honest I struggle with not spiraling into a constant state of worry but I don't ever want (can) be as naive as I used to. Life is short.

As I said this phrase can go in many directions and I will be sharing them as I discover them. I hope you will join me in this adventure and maybe we'll learn a thing or two in the process. I am going to be open like I never have been (stepping out of my comfort zone is something I suck at and am working on).

I have never worked hard for anything in my life. Maybe NEVER and ANYTHING are strong words but I'm going for the dramatic effect here. If it gets hard, I quit. If it's not instant, I quit. If I have to step too much out of my comfort zone, I quit. I have good excuses for quitting or so I keep telling myself. Well, no more. I am... afraid to type this... I am determined to accomplish at least 1 hard thing this year. Life is too short and I don't want to look back at the end of my life and think of all the excuses I made. Please don't think I am sharing this so I will get nice comments out of you. I am sharing because as much as I hate it I think accountability will be a good thing for me. 

So, first up is getting in shape. I know, I know couldn't be any more cliche but I don't like the extra pounds I carry around. For the last three years I've had legitimate excuses to not do anything about it. I don't have those excuses anymore. I have decided to make time for something that is important, not only for me but for my husband and for my boys. February 9 I am starting a program with shakes and exercise. Doable 30 mins. a day work outs, healthy meals, a shake for breakfast (thank goodness because I struggle with breakfast), an accountability group, improving my lifestyle and the anticipation of seeing great results in just 21 days. I am excited and ready to tackle my first challenge of this year! I know I can do it!

Stay tuned maybe I'll be brave enough to post "before" pictures, insert big maybe here.

I've been pondering...

The other day I saw something on a friend's Facebook page that made me think a lot. She has gone through quite a bit of loss and she posted that she was having one of those days in which you just miss what you've lost. I can totally relate! She also said that when we mourn we tend to paint a picture in our heads about what would have been. Of course, that picture is always better than our reality or at the very least it is a good picture. However there is no way to know that if such and such hadn't/had happened then our life would be better (or as good as we picture it in our dreams).

This is how this reflection applies to me: When I think of Evan I think what he would be like now. I wonder how he would be with his brothers. I imagine our big family of 5 enjoying life all together. I get tired just thinking how crazy it would be to have two toddlers and a baby. I think that I would be able to say that I have 3 under 3. You get the picture. HOWEVER... and this is where my friend's reflection made me think differently... what if life were completely different to what I imagine.

What if Evan had been healthy or healed on this Earth? Maybe our view on having babies wouldn't have changed. Maybe we would have waited longer to have another baby. Maybe Jason wouldn't be here, maybe even Ethan wouldn't be here! 

What if Evan would have lived with the health challenges that we knew he had? We would have spent hours upon hours in the hospital with him. He would have had surgery(ies). We would have been too worried, concerned and busy to even think about getting pregnant again. Maybe that experience would have made us too afraid to even have more kids. We would be missing out on our Ethan and Jason!!! 

My heart breaks when I think of that. Granted we wouldn't know what we would be missing but now that we know the thought of it is almost unbearable! Nothing says that if Evan had lived our life would be exactly as it is + him. Maybe our story would be completely different. 

Now, this doesn't make me miss my baby any less but it does make me want to enjoy my boys a lot more. It makes me want to cherish the good times and work through the hard ones. It makes me want to live life here and now. It makes me want to create memories every chance I get. It makes me proud, happy, and thankful that I have my Evan in Heaven and my Ethan and Jason in my arms.

I won't say that I wouldn't change a thing because, if I had a choice, I would choose to have all 3 right here with me. That is just the honest truth, but knowing what I know now I can accept and intentionally enjoy the life I do have!

2014

What a year!

We started it with a bang with a visit from our cousins in January, they were the first ones in our extended family to meet Ethan. It was such a sweet time just hanging out and catching up!

Mid January we took our first (and last) trip to Mexico as a family of three. My friends and family got to meet Ethan. We went to the beach, threw his 7 month monster party and dedicated him to the Lord. We spent some much needed time with dear friends and family!

We also found out that our family would grow by two feet making it the 3rd year in a row in which we would have a baby. I know what you're thinking... Ironically, this year we also got rid of both our TVs!

In February we closed in and moved into our very first home. We've spent most of our time this year remodeling it and making it pretty!

In June we celebrated Ethan's 1st birthday. It was awesome to see how many people came together with us to celebrate the life of our sweet boy. We are happy to have so much love in our lives. Also, my mom was able to be here for the party!

September brought the sweetest addition to our family. A little surprise that has filled our home with even more joy, cries, dirty diapers, laundry and so much love! Thankfully my parents were able to stay with us helping with the boys. It's a blessing to have retired parents! We love you Jason Allan!

In November we received Bruce's parents and sister in our house to celebrate Thanksgiving together. We hadn't seen them in a long time so it was great to spend time with them and see how much they enjoyed the boys!

Christmas was family time. Just the four of us, no schedules, no rush. Just us, making memories, loving on each other, missing our Evan and enjoying our Ethan and Jason. Opening presents, wearing matching pajamas, sitting by the fire, enjoying our home and our little family!

Although, I think I'm safe to say that this year brought more ups than downs. It has also been the year in which I have missed Evan the most. I've noticed his absence more but that has made me realize how much I need to enjoy Bruce and the boys here and now.

I am looking forward to 2015 and what it will bring for our little family. I am excited to continue on this journey with my husband and kids. I hope next year brings lots of joy to my dear friends who are reading this. Let us keep on doing life together! I love you!

I miss him!

So, it's been a while! It's been a busy couple of... months. Two boys, holidays, kitchen remodel, parents and in-laws visiting. It's made for a crazy but very enjoyable time! Also, I was going through sort of a writers' block spell. I didn't have anything to write about till now.

I've been feeling kind of strange lately. There are lots of feelings going on in my heart and my head. I've been missing Evan a LOT which makes me feel a little guilty because, well, I have two AMAZING, healthy, growing kids. So here is the thing having Evan makes me appreciate Ethan and Jason more but having them makes me miss him even more. I miss what I never had. I miss seeing him grow. I miss him playing with his brothers. I miss his little steps around the house. How is it possible to miss something/things you never had? The more I see my boys grow and develop, do new things and reach new milestones the more I miss seeing Evan doing the same things, reaching the same milestones.

The holiday season doesn't make it any easier. It's like there's a a piece of our family missing. It's like we are not complete. I try to balance how much I miss my boy in Heaven and how much I want and do enjoy my boys!

Anyway, I don't have much more to write I just... miss my Evan! 

I love you sweet boy and I miss you a lot. You will always have your special place in my heart and in our family!

He's here: Jason's birth story

Our Jason Allan is here! 

It's been a week since Jason was born, where did time go? I'm not sure why but I feel I've recovered a lot faster this time around. Maybe because I was under a lot less stress, maybe my body already knew what to do. I had a repeat c section and everything went very smoothly.

Let's start from the beginning. At 36 weeks we had an ultrasound to check were he was size wise and his position so we could know what to expect (haha). The ultrasound showed a healthy 7 lbs baby, head down "ready" for delivery (we did want him to wait till 39 weeks to be born). From then on we planned on having a VBAC, which my OB was on board with. We had our awesome birthing coach, Sharon, and our photographer lined up. We started our weekly check ups, he stayed head down up until 38 weeks 5 days. 

We were 39 weeks on Tuesday 16th, on Wednesday 17th we had our routine appointment and that's when we found out things had changed. His heartbeat was way higher than it had been the previous week so for good measure the Dr. did an ultrasound just to find out that he had turned! I had felt my tummy different the night before but I really didn't think he could have turned that far along. 

I know some may say my reaction was a little over dramatic (yes, I cried). I knew in my heart that it wasn't the worst news ever because guess what I have gotten the WORST news ever before and it doesn't compare. However, it was the fact that things were, once more, not going our way. We've wanted nothing but natural deliveries from the beginning and it just isn't happening. The doctor gave us some options to try to turn him back around, one of them being a procedure called Version (the doctor manipulates baby from the outside, turning baby manually with "little" risk form mom and baby). We considered it and decided that's what we would do.

For some reason we couldn't get to a place of peace with this decision. The procedure, which was going to take place at the OR, was scheduled for the next day September 18th. I could barely sleep and there in the middle of the night I decided Jason's safety was more important to me than being cut open not having things go my way. In the morning I told Bruce what I thought and he agreed. We decided to skip the version and have a good old fashion c section. We still had Sharon and our photographer there (I'm so glad we did). We had amazing support and gorgeous pictures taken. I'll do a picture post as soon as I get them back!

This time the anesthesia worked right away. I walked into the OR at around 9 am and at 9:25 we had a healthy crying baby in our arms. Daddy was by my side the whole time, as soon as baby came out he ran by his side. He cut the cord, watched them clean him up and swaddle him and as soon as he was able to he brought it to me. He let me kiss him and meet him for a few minuted before they were taken to the recovery room where I would join them about half an hour later.

In the recovery room I got to see Jason. Once the numbness in my hands was gone I was able to hold and nurse him. Over all it wasn't a bad experience, of course I would have preferred to have a natural delivery but God knows why that didn't happen again. I am just thankful that our boy is alive and healthy. I am recovering well. 

Thanks for reading and for sharing in our joy for the new addition to our family! Now on to discovering a whole new world as a mother of a rambunctious toddler and a newborn. I will be documenting our adventures here so stay tuned!

And his name shall be

Naming a human is no easy task! 

A few years ago on a road trip we took to Oklahoma, right around the time we had started talking and dreaming about having babies, we came up with 4 names for the babies we were dreaming of having. Two boy names and 2 girl names. Evan Matthew and Ethan Andrew being the boys' names. 

When I was pregnant with them, the minute we knew they were boys we also knew what their names would be. It was who they were even before they were conceived. It is also amazing to me that both the boys have lived to the meaning of their names:

Evan Matthew is our "young fighter" and Ethan Andrew is definitely "manly, strong and enduring"!

We were ready to name a girl after that but to our delight we got another boy! 

Coming up with another boy name wasn't easy. We just couldn't seem to agree on one. We both like names with good meanings and I prefer names that are less likely to be shortened. After going through many names we finally agreed on one we both liked but for some reason it just didn't seem right and we didn't have a middle name. Even when we had decided on a name and told our families we didn't want to make it public because "what if we change our mind?". 

Anyway it was only about two weeks ago that we made it official so here it is...

Jason Allan Coy

Jason means "that who heals" and Allan means "Fair and handsome". So of course I know he is handsome (not that I am biased or anything) but maybe he'll be a doctor too!

Also, just now as I type this I was thinking (with no intention to stretch the meaning) that this pregnancy has been by far the easiest and least stressful of all. By no means am I completely "healed" from my previous experiences but I do feel that having Jason's pregnancy go so well has given me back a little piece of something that I had lost along the way. Perhaps the hope that a pregnancy can actually go as intended, with no complications and more peace than worry. 

Maybe, in that way, Jason is already living up to his name. Doesn't sound too crazy or does it?

Different kinds of love

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. It may be weird but I thought I would share anyway since it has been VERY real to me especially the past few months. You may be able to relate.

There are different kinds of love, well that's obvious you may think. Of course I don't love my husband the same way I love my kids or my parents. Yeah that's very clear and easy to recognize. But what about the love for our kids. I've discovered that I love each of my boys in a different way. Granted, all 3 of them are in different places right now and I am inclined to think that's were the difference lies.

Evan died and it was horrible, extremely painful and devastating. I loved seeing him in my belly on the ultrasounds. I enjoyed feeling him and dreaming if how he would be, what he would look like. I miss him terribly and what I miss the most is that I never got to really know him. He never took a breathe outside my womb, we never heard his voice. We never got to see his personality develop. We didn't get to really know him and I think that's what makes our love for him different.

Ethan is here with us, he has been for almost 15 months now, when did that happen? Since he was born we've spent countless hours getting to know him. Celebrating his milestones, nursing him when he's sick, disciplining him, working to mold him, getting frustrated at him, and then forgiving him. He has filled our house and life with a joy and chaos that we never knew before. We've had to learn to put his needs before ours. We've been intentional about spending time with him, teaching him, enjoying him. Our life changed in a very different way than it did when Evan was born. A way we didn't expect and we hadn't experienced before.

We loved Ethan when he was in my tummy but all the time we've invested in him and the time we've had to get to know him has changed that love. We don't love him the same way we love Evan. In a way the love seems deeper and greater but it's only because we know him in a way we never knew our Evan.

Same thing with baby. We love him very much but we don't know him yet. We haven't spent nearly as much time caring for him as we've had his brothers. I'm sure our love for him will change the moment they place him in our arms and will change even more as we spend time with him.

I guess this is why parents wonder, will I be able to love my second child as much as I love my first? It's not because you don't love them already it's because you don't know them and it's hard to imagine loving someone else as much.

It doesn't matter though if it's different kinds of love, I LOVE my boys and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world!