1/2 a year

I know, I know all I blog about lately is my son... maybe that has to do with the fact that he is my life right now! 

Anyway, today my baby is 6 months old, half a year of an amazing journey in which I have discovered a different kind of love. I never knew it was possible to love someone like I love this little guy, who by the way is anything but little! Everybody keeps telling me how big he is and everything was put into perspective for me when someone told me their one-year-old is 21 pounds, Ethan was 18 lbs. 10 oz. at his 4 month appointment so he is BIG!

I am beyond in love with him he has such a beautiful character. 

I love to do a "mini" photo session every month, daddy says I torture the boy but I'm taking advantage of him not being mobile or talking yet. I say "mini" because in my had I shot only a couple of pictures and when I download them I find out I took 360 pictures, how did that happen? And then it is sooo hard to get rid of them so I end up with about 50 pictures of the same pose because he looks cute!!!

Here's his 6 month picture (one of many): 

He is exploring everything with his mouth!

It is awesome to see him grow, explore and discover the world. He's rolling back to tummy and tummy to back. When he's laying down he tries to pull himself up. He can sit and stand with a little help. At the rate he's growing he will be running around and talking in about 3 seconds. It is amazing how fast they grow but I have a feeling my boy might be in more of a hurry than most! 

We love every minute with you son, let's discover together!

His First Christmas!

June 27th was the start of a year of firsts that we are enjoying immensely! 

It's been a wonderful couple of days. Daddy had to work on Tuesday but to our surprise he came home an hour early. Once he was home the festivities officially began. 

Our Christmas Eve was full of...

Christmas Jammies

Christmas Crafts,

Family Picture Attempts,

Presents from Daddy, 

Presents from Mommy,

and lots of fun. We are loving this parenting thing! Ethan has such a beautiful temperament which makes everything that much more enjoyable.

Christmas Day was lots of fun too, we...

had a quiet morning,

enjoyed lunch and presents with friends that are family,

took pictures with mommy

and just mom and dad,

it was a special time in which we felt loved and started some Christmas traditions for our young family!

Today is back to normal but our hearts are full and we are looking forward to many more firsts in this little guy's life. 

We love you son, Merry First Christmas!

These mixed feelings

Tomorrow my baby will be 5 months old, I read it and know it but it's still hard to believe! I know EVERY mom says this but I'll say it anyway: they grow SO fast! I look at him and wonder where did my newborn go? I understand that he has been growing since the moment he was conceived but this past couple of weeks it has been so much more evident. Last Monday I looked at him and saw something different. He did not look like my tiny new baby anymore. I saw an older boy looking back at me, not just in size but there was something about his face that looked all "grown up"!  

Yesterday at around 3 pm he woke up from nap time screaming bloody murder, which is totally unlike him. I couldn't figure out what was wrong and teething didn't even cross my mind. Later at bath time I felt his first little tooth coming through, besides the guilt for not having any idea that that was what was bothering my boy I felt so many mixed feelings! Also he started using stage 3 diapers and hes has finally crossed that stage into 6 month clothes. For a few weeks now he has been right where 3m clothes are kind of snug but still fit and 6m clothes fit but are a tad big. Well no more, 3m clothes don't fit anymore!  It all seems to be happening at the same time. Also yesterday he started trying to turn from back to front. He has only turned from front to back twice but he's already trying! 

Growing so fast!

After we lost Evan and reading FB updates that said "my baby is growing so fast and I want to cry!" or "I'm a little sad my baby reached this or that milestone" it would make me angry. I would think how can you be sad that your baby is growing? At least he IS growing! Be thankful for that! I will never see my baby grow, he will never reach milestones, he will never do any of the things your baby is doing, just be happy! I would give ANYTHING to see my boy do what yours is doing! 

Now that we have Ethan I get it. Those moms don't mean anything bad by that, they are not being negative and they are thankful. I see my son so happy and healthy. He was tiny for what seemed like the blink of an eye and I'm sure every stage will seem that way once it's gone. When he leaves behind a size in diapers or clothes, when he turns over or discovers how to use his hands there's a part of me that is proud and happy beyond believe that my baby is healthy but there is always this little part of me that wants to cry because a little piece of my baby slips away with every milestone. It's not easy but I want to make it a point to spend time soaking him in at every stage. Making memories and watching him grow strong. This makes me want to be present making his every stage the best that it can be!

I love you Ethan, keep on growing son!

A plea for the unborn

I know there is a lot of controversy regarding abortion. When does life start? Is it really murder? Don’t I (the mother) get to have a choice over my own body? Is what’s or who’s in my womb a real person? A fetus can’t feel or can they? I don’t want to get into a technical discussion, although I will say just for the record, that I believe with all my heart that life starts at conception and from that moment on we should value, cherish, and protect it NO MATTER WHAT! “That’s easier said than done” you might say. Let me tell you my story.

I write this with no intention to condemn but with the hope that my story will inspire and bless whoever reads it. We lost two precious babies due to miscarriage before we found ourselves pregnant with our sweet Evan Matthew. At our 12 week ultrasound we found out there was something going on with our boy’s body. They couldn’t see exactly what it was but it looked like his intestines hadn’t traveled back inside when they should have. Hearing this made my heart sink to my stomach. As you can imagine we were given the option to terminate the pregnancy which for us WAS NOT AN OPTION. Needless to say we were given this option suggestion every time we had and appointment even though we declined EVERY time.

From then on we prayed and prayed, our friends and family prayed and prayed. We knew we were going to carry OUR baby to term NO MATTER WHAT. We didn’t know what would happen, every ultrasound we hoped to hear that everything was fine and that we didn’t have to worry anymore but that never happened. It was a very difficult time and doctors didn’t make it any easier but we pulled through. Our Evan Matthew passed away in my womb at 37 weeks. It wasn’t what we wanted or what we expected but today I can proudly say I fought for my baby. We knew it was our responsibility. We knew he deserved a chance. We believed that there was a chance the doctors were wrong. More so we know our God has the power to heal him. Who are we to do anything other than protect his life however short it would be?

Also let me tell you something, holding him in my arms was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I LOVE him so much I would not be the same without my Evan and I am at peace knowing that my baby knew his mom and daddy love him.

So as you can see choosing life was NOT easy although not choosing life was never an option for us. I know full well the fear and pain a situation like this can bring but abortion would have only added guilt and more pain to the mix. Today we know that we took care of our son to the best of our knowledge and ability with God’s help. It is our responsibility as human beings to defend our own no matter how small or sick they might be, actually allow me to rephrase that we MUST defend our own WHEN and BECAUSE they are small and sick. We DON’T get to dispose of a HUMAN LIFE because it doesn’t meet the standards we have set.

If you think you are out of options think again, there are many couples willing to adopt and love children; couples that can’t have babies of their own, couples that have a mission to love and care for special needs children. If you think you can’t take care of your unborn baby for any reason look for a family that will and give them both a chance! 

The way I feel right now

Ever since I remember I've wanted 4 kids. When I met my husband that was one of the things we had in common. 4 is his magic number as well. That was before we ever knew how hard it can be to bring kids into this world and I'm not referring to labor and delivery or the financial side of it. In November 2010 we found out we were pregnant for the first time and it wasn't until June 2013 that we got to take a healthy baby boy home after 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth. So you see my point.

After Evan was born it didn't take long for us to want to try again, we just wanted a baby so bad! I got pregnant 5 months later and the whole time Bruce would kind of joke "hurry up so we can get another one in there!". I felt the same way, "let's get this baby out so we can get more!". Ethan was a c-section so we have to wait to avoid complications but during this time that I have been focused on our son rather than getting pregnant many other thoughts and feelings have crossed my mind.

For a while I thought we've paid our dues, for sure we won't have any more difficult pregnancies. However, recently I've been following a blog of a lady that lost her twins at 19 weeks and a year later lost her baby boy which of course they did not expect and another lady from a blog I follow just had a miscarriage after many others and a stillbirth. This makes me feel like there is no reassurance of no more heartbreak. Any of it could happen again and I would survive, I know I would but the heartbreak, that, is something I would rather never experience again.

I am in no way ready to be done but there is a part of me that thinks "we got what we wanted, we have a perfectly healthy, easy, and gorgeous baby boy why get ourselves into more potential heartbreak?". One look at Ethan makes all the anxiety and worry during pregnancy more than worth it. I would do it again in a heart beat if only I could know that everything will be OK but I can't know that so I'll leave it to God. He knows what I don't and he will get us through whatever comes just as He has before. 

Exciting news

So I've had this blog for about two years now. I have been blessed to find encouragement in other people's blogs and I only hope I've touched some lives by writing about my journey. I don't know if there is anybody out there reading me but I thought I would announce anyway!

I LOVE to make things for my home, it is my hobby and my way to put my personal touch to it. I've been thinking about opening an Etsy shop and I finally did! 

www.etsy.com/shop/TheCOYlane

Come visit me, I would love to serve you!

Photo Card

Cute Collage Boy Baby Announcements

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View the entire collection of cards.

Ethan's birth story

My sweet Ethan Andrew is 2 months today. I know everybody says this but I can't believe how fast time goes by. Two months and I haven't had the time to write his birth story. There are other things I could should be doing right now but I want to write this before more time passes by and I forget more of the details I want to remember.

So here we go.

This time around because of our medical history my OB was amazing at caring for us. She wanted to make sure everything was going well. We were blessed with a sensitive and capable OB that genuinely cared for our well being, not only physical but emotional.

Physically it was a textbook pregnancy with no complications. Not even a little bleeding or any cramps. We were able to hear his heartbeat at 6 weeks. Emotionally it was challenging because you can't just forget your wounds and scars. I will talk about those challenges in another post now to the happy story.

At 34 weeks we had a scan in which they told us Ethan was breech. It is not important that early on but now I know God was preparing our hearts for what was coming. We had a scan at 35w and he had flipped (head down) and another one at 36 that showed he had turned again (breech). Scans were done every week from then on with no change to be seen. At 37 weeks we started talking C-section. I was pretty frustrated because that couldn't go more against what we wanted. However, I was reminded that the important thing was that at the end no matter how I was going to hold my son in my arms and all the rest would not really matter. We kept praying but by my 38w check up we had to set a date for the C-section.

My OB had scheduled me for Thursday June 27th which was a week later. We tried to change it so my in-laws could get here but it turned out they were going to get here that morning so we decided to stick with it. So just like that June 27th became my due date. 3pm was the time, we had to show up 2 hours early to get things rolling.

That morning we woke up and didn't have breakfast because I wasn't supposed to eat anything before the surgery. We left the house at 12:30pm, stopped at the bank real quick to deposit a check and headed to the hospital. Before walking in we took a quick last belly picture and in we went.

Daddy getting ready

Minutes before we met him

They took me to a temporary room and hooked me up to the monitors. His heart was beating strong and I didn't have any contractions. Two hours went by and they were ready to take me to the OR. Bruce wasn't allowed in until after I had gotten the anesthesia. They did a spinal first and apparently that didn't work so they did an epidural. That was the worst of it all. I think I prefer a natural vaginal birth than an epidural any day! I felt electroshocks go down my legs and I bawled like a big baby. The worst part was that Bruce wasn't there to hold my hand. I was already very emotional because I had never wanted a C-section to begin with. So if you combine pregnancy hormones, things not going the way I wanted (again), the pain, and Bruce not being allowed in there you get: me crying my eyes out during every second of the anesthesia process. My OB was awesome though she held my hand and let me cry on her shoulder literally till it was all over.

Anyway, when I was ready to roll they laid me on my back on this weird operating table. Then they finally called Bruce in, it was wonderful to see him. He ran to my side, kissed my forehead and told me everything was going to be ok. I love my man. His sole presence was comforting! I don't think I was out of it at least I never felt I was. Bruce says I kind f was. I remember telling him "this is so weird because I can feel them pulling and tugging  but it doesn't hurt!". Thank goodness I couldn't see what was happening on the other side of the curtain. He did and he later told me it was crazy to see me so calm when my insides were outside!

Dr. P talked to us the whole time. To hear her describe what was happening (not in detail) made the whole experience better. When she saw Ethan she said "I see him", "Oh he's so cute!", "he's almost out", "here he is!". I am so thankful for her! Once he was out Bruce ran to his side and cut his cord. Then a nurse brought him to me and when they handed him to Bruce he sat by my side and got him close enough that I could kiss his beautiful face.

Cutting the cord

Feeding him to increase his blood sugar

First time holding him

He is gorgeous!

The very first time I heard him cry I cried. After a nerve wracking pregnancy and the agony over him being breech and the doubt that lingered in the back of my mind the whole time it was glorious to hear him alive and well! Bruce kept saying "oh, he's beautiful, he's perfect babe!". I agreed.

When they wheeled me out the OR and to the recovery room I saw everyone there, my parents, Bruce's parents, Sharon, Melanie and Linda. It was beautiful to see them all and to confirm how loved we are . Ethan was born here in the States and my extended family is in Mexico City otherwise I'm sure they would all have been there to welcome our newest addition.

I still had the anesthesia effects so I wasn't allowed to hold Ethan for a while but as soon as it was ok Bruce put him on my chest while he was close just in case. By the time I made it out of the OR there was already pictures of our son all over Instagram and Facebook! His arrival was very much anticipated by many.

Although it didn't go the way I wanted it to be and to this day I ask why it really doesn't matter now. Recovery wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The first couple of days it hurt a lot and I would get exhausted just taking a few steps but one look at my healthy son makes it all worth it. I would never choose to have a C-section but now I know how it is and it is not as bad as I imagined.

So this it, our Ethan Andrew's birth story. We are so blessed to have him and beyond in love with him.

His birth announcement

Look who's here!

Being born is hard work!

Mr. Ethan Andrew Coy 

graced this world with his presence on

June 27th 2013

at 

4:28 pm

He weighed 8.6 lbs and was 20 1/2 in

He is the most perfect little boy (I might be bias). He has come to fill our life with sleepless nights, wet clothes, extra loads of laundry, and a love that we never knew before. We are beyond thankful for his life and we are enjoying every second we spend watching him in awe!

Birth story coming soon, I need to go feed him! 

Another day, another year

Today completes another year in our life. Probably the most difficult and painful as well as beautiful and precious. You see a year ago today our sweet Evan's spirit was born into the arms of our Jesus and his little body into ours.

A year ago today our God was good because he healed my son. It most certainly took me a while to be thankful for that healing but today I can honestly say my heart thanks God for delivering my baby from earthly suffering even if it meant breaking my heart.

A year ago today I met the most beautiful baby, held him and memorized his face. What a special time we spent together as a family. I would give a lot to be able to spend just a few more minutes with my precious son.

What a year it has been and today I cried nearly as much as I did that day but I wouldn't have it any other way. I am honored to be my Evan's mama. I will always love him and no one will ever take his place in my heart.

 Happy 1st Birthday my dear Son, we love you more than words can express!

Our life in years

I've heard a phrase that says "Every day is the start of a new year". When I first heard this it didn't make much sense but if you think about it for a minute it's the absolute truth.  365 days from today will be April 4th again and 365 days from tomorrow will be April 5th, a year nonetheless. Our life is changed by certain days that we celebrate or remember (depending on the case) every year and that is how we measure life. We measure our life in birthdays. We measure our education in school years. We measure our time in calendar years. We remember loved ones that are no longer with us every year on the date they passed away. We measure our marriage in anniversaries. Well you get the point.

I've been thinking about this because today is our 4 year wedding anniversary and even though at the end of 2012 I wrote a post on what we went through in that year, the "wedding anniversary measure" casts a different light on the same events. It's like a spotlight that points at a different character in the story. In the darkness of the theatre what this one light points at fills me with thankfulness, joy, humbleness, and oh so much love.

I know some men that would've probably walked this walk with as much dignity and integrity as he did, but I also know many others that would've walked away at the first sign of hardship. Not my Bruce. A couple of nights ago we were talking in bed and I thanked him for sticking by me and Evan when everything was so hard and painful he said "I cannot even fathom leaving you because our son was sick or passed away, that's something that never even crossed my mind as an option". Now I don't care how many faults this man has, this statement alone shows something far more important, it shows his heart. Bad habits can be changed, but a heart like this is worth pure gold.

This 4th year of marriage was probably one of the hardest we will ever walk through but I will always remember it as the one that showed my husband's true colors. The year that could have torn us apart but instead brought us closer together. The one God used to strengthen our love for each other and increase our admiration for each other. It wasn't an easy one but it was well worth it and I wouldn't chose anyone else to have lived it with.

Right now sitting in bed, typing these lines I am overwhelmed by love not only my Bruce's love but God's love for me that He would give me such a man for a husband... and now I look forward to what this new year will show me about him. We are writing a whole new chapter in which we live the role of parents of our sweet boy here on earth. I can't wait to fall even deeper in love with the father of my children as I see him interact, teach, and love our son as only he can. What an adventure and what good company I am in! Bring it on!

My gorgeous anniversary flowers!

Life as of late

I've been MIA since the end of February when I wrote my last post. I'm not sure if it's just me or life seems to go by a lot faster lately. It seems like I wake up do a couple of things and it's night again! Anyway, I'm trying to make the best out of these last months before Baby Ethan makes his arrival.

My mom was in town for a couple of weeks, which was a great treat! She cooked authentic Mexican food for me, took me shopping for all things baby and shared in the whole pregnancy experience which is hard them being so far away.

 As I mentioned in my last post I started organizing our house some time ago. I thought I was done or close anyway but then all things baby started invading the house and I realized there's still more to do. Last week I cleaned and organized our closet, it took almost all day and all of my energy for the day. Now I'm working on the kitchen but I'm not too inspired for that one. The space is limited so I'm doing my best to maximize it but I'm not sure I'm doing it right, we'll see how that turns out. Trying to keep only what you truly need is easier said than done for sure!

I've been also working on several projects around the house I will post at least one of them soon, maybe tomorrow. Right now I'll try to get myself out of bed and finish the kitchen.

Contentment is a bautiful thing

This is something I've been thinking about for a while and recently our Pastor talked about it at church.

Before I share about the title I want to say that I know this blog has been mainly about our struggles with babies and what we've been through can make for a very sad blog. I'm not saying this apologetically because even though I have no official followers (that I know of) my desire is that if and when people find my corner of the blogosphere God will use our story to encourage others no matter where they are at in live (as He's used others in my life), because all this pain can't go to waist!

Having said this I feel we are entering a different chapter in our story. It's almost like I can feel it in the air and I think I need to share accordingly. The blogs I follow are mostly of women that although they have lots to offer in many areas the main thing they offer is transparency and that is what has blessed me the most. I am not a perfect Jesus-lover, wife, housewife, mother, crafter, or woman but I belive that sharing with transparency helps us live the life in community God intended for His followers.

con·tent·ment

/kənˈtentmənt/

Noun A state of happiness and satisfaction.

It's been an interesting journey which has helped me (us) put things in perspective and realize what is truly important. We all have dreams, we all want a good life, a big house with a yard, a paid off mortgage, two cars, a good pay check, a good job, more money, and better things. I don't think there is anything wrong with this desires but I do believe the world we live in has put all material things in the center of our lives and maybe without noticing we have allowed it.

Not too long ago I was not very content with where we are at. I was failing to count our blessings and I was focusing on what I wanted for the future more than all that I have NOW. I just wanted more. So I decided to make some changes. We live in a small two bedroom apartment. We've had a spare bethroom for the past two years so it's been really easy to bring things home and if we don't use them just put them in the storage room spare room. Growing up I remeber we had one of those, one day my mom decided it was time to clean it. It took weeks to go over everything in there! I have a vivid memory of a box that had been sitting there for years and when we opened it there was a pot with dirt in a bag, you never know when you'll need it right? Ever since my biggest fear has been to accumulate so much stuff that I won't even know what I have.

Every time we've moved in the last few years I've made it a point to get rid of anything that isn't been used but somehow I kept buying things that I didn't know where to put! It's amazing how fast a spare room can get out of control. Anyway, after Evan's birth I decided to organize every corner of our house and get rid of anything that wasn't been used (I needed a project). That unfolded a series of unexpected events.

As I cleaned and organized the house felt more and more my own. I realized we really didn't NEED anything and we have more than we NEED. One day I stood in the middle of the living room looking around and thought "I am happy here, this is my home". We had been trying to buy a house but we decided that's not the right move right now and since we decided that I embraced my home and took it upon myself to make the best out of it! This has led me to fing the best way to use what we already have to decorate, come up with inexpensive ways to create more storage space, fill our house with pretty plants and flowers, and only shop for what we truly need or has a specific purpose. I have also been focusing my energy on serving my husband. Cooking more often, keeping a cleaner house, eating dinner at the table, etc.

I cannot tell you how much this change in my perspective has impacted our lives. How good it has been for our marriage, we are happier now than when I was working full time and had more money. We have learned what contentment really is and it is a beautiful thing!

Stick around as I share my projects, my kitchen adventures, and the valuable lessons I've learned from my good friend and mentor S on saving money and living fully.

Our VERY Happy Valentine's Day

Yesterday was a VERY special day. Valentine's is normally not a huge day for us, I mean we do try to have a special dinner or get a little something for each other but it's just not big like Christmas or birthdays. Anyway, yesterday was different, it was a day we both had been looking forward to for about a month. As I said before it was the day after I passed the 20 week mark and when we had an ultrasound scheduled to find out if we're having a little boy or a little lady!

Before I make the big announcement I want to recap our day just because this is sort of our family's diary. If you can't wait or just don't want to read the whole thing feel free to scroll down and enjoy the news!

The day started at about 7:30am maybe earlier. I've been having trouble sleeping so I was up at 6:30 a few minutes later my Valentine got up and left the room so I turned on the movie I didn't finish watching the night before (Ocean's 13, can I just say I love those movies). Bruce came back to the room with a plate of strawberries and Nutella which is my favorite thing on earth right now. All I've been eating for breakfast the past month or so is this delicious idea I found on Pinterest:

Source here

Before you judge me I'm aware it's not the healthiest ever but I use whole grain bread, and I like to tell myself that baby needs carbs (bread), fat (nutella), protein (eggs), and fruit (strawberries) so if you think about it is a pretty balanced breakfast right? rigth? ok maybe not but I LOVE IT!

Anyway, he brought the french toast later with a huge Valentine's balloon

He left the room again and came back with a bottle of chocolate milk. This was sognificant because when we met in Brazil and then were in Chile togehter that's how he would let me know he had been thinking of me!

He left the room one more time and returned with this gorgeous orchid that makes me smile every time I look at it!:

After the movie it was time to get ready and get to our appointment. If you've read some of our story you know that our biggest concern wasn't the sex of our baby but what could be wrong. All kinds of worrisome thoughts crossed our minds during the days leading to yesterday, however when we went into the ultrasound room there was peace.

Bruce was convinced it's a girl and I wanted a boy... are you ready for the news. Let me say first that all of our concerns and worries were cleared. Every organ looks good and is working in perfect order. The heart is perfect and beating at 147 bpm. All the measurements are what they are supposed to beand our due date of July 3rd was confirmed! Are you ready now?

Ok without further ado I give you the big announcement:

Yes, Mr. Evan Matthew is having a baby brother!

For our Spanish speaking family!

We are beyond excited for our little man! I am thankful that God heard and gave me the desire of my heart and I am thrilled that in a few months I will be holding my dear son on this side of Heaven! After the appointment the news were of setting in. The news that we're having a boy, that he's healthy, that we will actually be holding a living baby very soon, that ou life is about to change even more for real! For the first time in a very long time we felt free to be excited, to plan, to talk about the future, to shop for baby, and to get ready for what is coming! It was so liberating and even today sharing the news with our friends and family the day was bright and beautiful.

What a wonderful Valentine's Day, it is one that will be hard to top but I don't have a problem with that and I'm sure Bruce doesn't either!

Review and announcement

Time flew by and just like that 2012 was over then I blinked and February was here. I know this is not the most timely picture but this is how we made the announcement to our friends and family. It also is sort of our 2012 in review, certainly other things happened during the year or did they? It really doesn't feel like it, I mean they must have but when something such as a precious Evan and a new addition happen to you in the same year I don't think you notice much more, I didn't.

When we sent this to our friends and family some didn't quite get it so I'll clarify:

WE ARE PREGNANT AGAIN!

The picture on the left with the three hands is our hands holding our Evan's little one and the ultrasound is the sweet new member of the Coy family! Isn't he PERFECT?

We are 19 weeks and looking forward to Valentine's Day which is the day after we pass the 20 week mark and the day they scheduled my ultrasound when besides seeing our little one again we get to find out if it's a little man or a sweet lady. It cannot come fast enough, update to follow!

Evan's birth story

Ever since I discovered the blogosphere I've read several birth stories and always wondered how mine would be. For a while and because I don't have a living child to account for it I never even gave writing Evan's birth story a second thought, till now.

It doesn't matter that he's not here with us he will always be the first child I gave birth to and I will always want to remember what a special moment it was and how God was present even in the midst of the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. So here it goes.

Contractions started on Wednesday May 23rd at around 8:30 pm. As I've said before I wish I remembered exactly when was the last time I felt him move but I don't. I know it was sometime between Monday at 3 pm (that was the last time we saw him on an ultrasound, he seemed so peaceful and happy just moving around mamma's belly) and Wednesday morning. Anyway, contractions started and as a first time mom I wasn't sure whether I was in labor or not. I kept praying that wasn't it. I googled and googled but I still wasn't sure. I was up all night. I walked, I sat, I folded baby clothes, I prayed. 

On Thursday at around 7 in the morning Bruce woke up and told me to call the nurse. I called, told her what was going on and she told us to drive to the hospital, I was not quite there but close. We got to the hospital and they kept asking if I was feeling Evan move, I thought I was so I kept saying yes, now I know that what I was feeling were only contractions, the mind is a powerful thing. They connected me to the monitor, contractions where regular and strong, very different from any pain I've experienced before. Then the monitor to listen to his heart, the nurse searched and searched but we kept hearing it, that piercing silence, the loudest most deafening silence I've ever heard. The nurse announced it "I'm sorry, but I think your baby passed away". What? This couldn't be happening. We held each other and cried. What are we supposed to do now? We had called my friend/adoptive mom/birth coach Sharon and she was on stand by, after the final verdict the nurse offered to call her. She was on her way. Meanwhile we called my parents, they were on their way form Mexico City. 

Sharon got to the hospital I will never be able to thank her for everything she was for us that day. She hugged me, cried with me and then was all the strong and sound of mind we couldn't be. You see she is a nurse so she has medical training but more than that she has delivered 7 kids, so if anyone has the experience I needed to go through this was her. They offer pain meds and with confidence she looked at me and said "I think we can do it without them, I'll be there, we'll do it together!". I didn't know what it was to deliver a baby but she sort of transferred her confidence to me.

They did an ultrasound to verify that our Evan was no longer with us, we saw his still body on the screen. We cried some more. The next step was to move us to a delivery room, to check my progress and see where we were in the labor process. When we were settled in our room they checked me, I was 3 cm. Contractions kept on going. They gave me a pill to dilate the cervix, it was going to take about 3 hours to get to 10 cm. I was exhausted but the contractions wouldn't let me sleep.

My friends Leslie and Melanie where there. William showed up. It was awesome to have so many familiar faces with us and know that we were not alone. I heard that throughout the day many friends were at the hospital some came in, some stayed out and prayed, some called, texted or e-mailed. I am grateful for every single one of them.

I took a shower and the contractions continued. Bruce has on one side of the bed and Sharon was on the other. Every contraction they would both hold my hand. My Bruce was the loving, sympathetic, tender support I needed. I would look at him and be comforted in his love and in the peace of having him right there going through it all with me, if not through the physical pain the devastation of having lost our beloved son. Sharon on the other hand was my strong, practical, always loving but firm coach. No matter what was going on around us or who was talking with one look I would let her know a contraction was coming she would focus her eyes on mine and breathe with me. Very calmly but firmly she would ask me to keep my eyes opened, look at her, relax and breathe. Breathing helped a lot, relaxing was hard I was trying to go against every fiber of my body that would want to tense up but when I was able to it helped a lot too.

About half an hour into it they came to check, I had progressed to 5 cm. At some point after that I got nauseated and threw up. They gave me some medicine for that and we kept going. Contractions became more regular and stronger. Melanie was monitoring and she said they were coming every 2 mins exactly. It felt like a lot less. I was so tired I started sleeping between contractions. A contractions would come, I would focus on Sharon, get through it and fall deep asleep, the next contraction would wake me up and it would start all over again. What I remember being the hardest is when in the middle of a contraction what was  going on became very clear. I would think "My baby is death, I'm giving birth to the still body of my baby boy, I can't do this, this is too hard!". Talk about pain! I remember even saying it out loud but Bruce and Sharon pulled me through, "You can do it, you are strong, I know it hurts but you need to do it!". 

They checked me again and I was at 7 or 8 cm. Sharon said I would soon enter into transition ans shortly after it would be over. Not too long after they checked me that last time I started having the urge to push but I wasn't supposed to. Sharon sent for the doctor, she said I was in transition. Every cell of my body was telling me to push and yet I had to fight against it. If you ask me I think that is the hardest part of delivering, thankfully it didn't last long. Finally the doctor arrived he checked again, I remember yelling "I'm going to push!" and I heard the best words I could have heard anyone say at the moment, "Ok, push!". Oh the relieve! After that it was like my body knew what to do and by listening to it I did to. When a pushing contraction was coming I would count "1,2,3" and I would push. It took about three pushes and Evan was out. It was pain like any other, it burnt and then it was all over. 

They took Evan to clean him and wrap him. Shortly after they handed him to me, he was the most beautiful baby boy I've laid eyes on. The doctors and nurses stood back in perfect silence and utter respect of the moment we were living. His body was far from perfect but he is oh so precious to his mom and dad. We spent two unforgettable hours with our Evan. We had pizza dinner with friends in the room. I was feeling surprisingly well. They moved us to another room and I was finally able to rest some while Bruce and Sharon went to the airport to pick up my parents. When they came back we asked the nurse to bring Evan back to the room. Abuelos got to hold him and meet him. William held him too. It was a beautiful family time that God gifted us with and that I am very thankful for.