These mixed feelings

Tomorrow my baby will be 5 months old, I read it and know it but it's still hard to believe! I know EVERY mom says this but I'll say it anyway: they grow SO fast! I look at him and wonder where did my newborn go? I understand that he has been growing since the moment he was conceived but this past couple of weeks it has been so much more evident. Last Monday I looked at him and saw something different. He did not look like my tiny new baby anymore. I saw an older boy looking back at me, not just in size but there was something about his face that looked all "grown up"!  

Yesterday at around 3 pm he woke up from nap time screaming bloody murder, which is totally unlike him. I couldn't figure out what was wrong and teething didn't even cross my mind. Later at bath time I felt his first little tooth coming through, besides the guilt for not having any idea that that was what was bothering my boy I felt so many mixed feelings! Also he started using stage 3 diapers and hes has finally crossed that stage into 6 month clothes. For a few weeks now he has been right where 3m clothes are kind of snug but still fit and 6m clothes fit but are a tad big. Well no more, 3m clothes don't fit anymore!  It all seems to be happening at the same time. Also yesterday he started trying to turn from back to front. He has only turned from front to back twice but he's already trying! 

Growing so fast!

After we lost Evan and reading FB updates that said "my baby is growing so fast and I want to cry!" or "I'm a little sad my baby reached this or that milestone" it would make me angry. I would think how can you be sad that your baby is growing? At least he IS growing! Be thankful for that! I will never see my baby grow, he will never reach milestones, he will never do any of the things your baby is doing, just be happy! I would give ANYTHING to see my boy do what yours is doing! 

Now that we have Ethan I get it. Those moms don't mean anything bad by that, they are not being negative and they are thankful. I see my son so happy and healthy. He was tiny for what seemed like the blink of an eye and I'm sure every stage will seem that way once it's gone. When he leaves behind a size in diapers or clothes, when he turns over or discovers how to use his hands there's a part of me that is proud and happy beyond believe that my baby is healthy but there is always this little part of me that wants to cry because a little piece of my baby slips away with every milestone. It's not easy but I want to make it a point to spend time soaking him in at every stage. Making memories and watching him grow strong. This makes me want to be present making his every stage the best that it can be!

I love you Ethan, keep on growing son!

A plea for the unborn

I know there is a lot of controversy regarding abortion. When does life start? Is it really murder? Don’t I (the mother) get to have a choice over my own body? Is what’s or who’s in my womb a real person? A fetus can’t feel or can they? I don’t want to get into a technical discussion, although I will say just for the record, that I believe with all my heart that life starts at conception and from that moment on we should value, cherish, and protect it NO MATTER WHAT! “That’s easier said than done” you might say. Let me tell you my story.

I write this with no intention to condemn but with the hope that my story will inspire and bless whoever reads it. We lost two precious babies due to miscarriage before we found ourselves pregnant with our sweet Evan Matthew. At our 12 week ultrasound we found out there was something going on with our boy’s body. They couldn’t see exactly what it was but it looked like his intestines hadn’t traveled back inside when they should have. Hearing this made my heart sink to my stomach. As you can imagine we were given the option to terminate the pregnancy which for us WAS NOT AN OPTION. Needless to say we were given this option suggestion every time we had and appointment even though we declined EVERY time.

From then on we prayed and prayed, our friends and family prayed and prayed. We knew we were going to carry OUR baby to term NO MATTER WHAT. We didn’t know what would happen, every ultrasound we hoped to hear that everything was fine and that we didn’t have to worry anymore but that never happened. It was a very difficult time and doctors didn’t make it any easier but we pulled through. Our Evan Matthew passed away in my womb at 37 weeks. It wasn’t what we wanted or what we expected but today I can proudly say I fought for my baby. We knew it was our responsibility. We knew he deserved a chance. We believed that there was a chance the doctors were wrong. More so we know our God has the power to heal him. Who are we to do anything other than protect his life however short it would be?

Also let me tell you something, holding him in my arms was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I LOVE him so much I would not be the same without my Evan and I am at peace knowing that my baby knew his mom and daddy love him.

So as you can see choosing life was NOT easy although not choosing life was never an option for us. I know full well the fear and pain a situation like this can bring but abortion would have only added guilt and more pain to the mix. Today we know that we took care of our son to the best of our knowledge and ability with God’s help. It is our responsibility as human beings to defend our own no matter how small or sick they might be, actually allow me to rephrase that we MUST defend our own WHEN and BECAUSE they are small and sick. We DON’T get to dispose of a HUMAN LIFE because it doesn’t meet the standards we have set.

If you think you are out of options think again, there are many couples willing to adopt and love children; couples that can’t have babies of their own, couples that have a mission to love and care for special needs children. If you think you can’t take care of your unborn baby for any reason look for a family that will and give them both a chance! 

The way I feel right now

Ever since I remember I've wanted 4 kids. When I met my husband that was one of the things we had in common. 4 is his magic number as well. That was before we ever knew how hard it can be to bring kids into this world and I'm not referring to labor and delivery or the financial side of it. In November 2010 we found out we were pregnant for the first time and it wasn't until June 2013 that we got to take a healthy baby boy home after 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth. So you see my point.

After Evan was born it didn't take long for us to want to try again, we just wanted a baby so bad! I got pregnant 5 months later and the whole time Bruce would kind of joke "hurry up so we can get another one in there!". I felt the same way, "let's get this baby out so we can get more!". Ethan was a c-section so we have to wait to avoid complications but during this time that I have been focused on our son rather than getting pregnant many other thoughts and feelings have crossed my mind.

For a while I thought we've paid our dues, for sure we won't have any more difficult pregnancies. However, recently I've been following a blog of a lady that lost her twins at 19 weeks and a year later lost her baby boy which of course they did not expect and another lady from a blog I follow just had a miscarriage after many others and a stillbirth. This makes me feel like there is no reassurance of no more heartbreak. Any of it could happen again and I would survive, I know I would but the heartbreak, that, is something I would rather never experience again.

I am in no way ready to be done but there is a part of me that thinks "we got what we wanted, we have a perfectly healthy, easy, and gorgeous baby boy why get ourselves into more potential heartbreak?". One look at Ethan makes all the anxiety and worry during pregnancy more than worth it. I would do it again in a heart beat if only I could know that everything will be OK but I can't know that so I'll leave it to God. He knows what I don't and he will get us through whatever comes just as He has before.