I'm afraid...

I'm afraid of a lot of things lately. Some fears are bigger than others and I struggle to surrender them to God (as I know I should).

One of the most constant fears or worries has been this coming weekend. It's Easter weekend and we are having Bruce's brother and family over. Don't get me wrong I'm excited to see them. We don't have family in town and have struggled to make friends so having family over is something we always look forward to. What puts a damper on the whole thing is that my sister-in-law is pregnant. (Which I'm very happy about). However, I was supposed to be pregnant too! Her due date is October 31st and mine was November 15th. So close! When I found out we both were pregnant I was so excited. I thought our kids would get along great being so close. Now all those plans and dreams are gone.

We never told his family about the second pregnancy. And I'm afraid that at any random moment I will just burst into tears, that I won't be able to handle the pain, that I will have to explain, that I will make them feel bad, that I will be jealous, that I will be a pain. I'm afraid to talk about their baby, to get mad when she complains about morning sickness. I'm afraid about so many things!

Anyway, maybe I should just focus on how happy I am to have a new niece/nephew, to see lil Z and hang out with J&A. Because if I've learned something during this time is to count my blessings and be thankful for what I do have. But I can't help being afraid!